We will return after these (looooong) messages.

Heelllloooo!  So for probably the thousandth time I'll say ... I'm going to try to keep up on here more. hahah let's see how that works out this time.  I'm not really sure if my lack of commitment to this is a downfall or benefit to you guys :P
 
THIS IS A SUPER, SUPER, LONG POSTTTTT!  It's more for me to just be able to write and get the long update out of my system so that I can return to shorter posts after this one.  For those of you who skip this post, I completely understand.  For those of you who attempt to read it.. may the force be with you, young blog-walkers. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! lol Spent Christmas with the fam and loving on my little stogey Logey (btw Vic, if you read this and it bothers you that I call him that.. please let me know lol and if it does, sorry in advance!) and of course little Juj!  I still seriously can't get over the personality on that tiny girl!  It was a really, really good time.  New Years Eve June, Patti and Ben came over and played games, ate and celebrated.  Good times, good times.

I also made ginger bread cookies for the first time in my life!  This may come as a shock to some people .. but let's face it -- I'm no baker. lol even this time I didn't even really make them .. although I helped!  My friend Jay brought EVERYTHING except the cookie sheet over so that I could make cookies.  How nice was that!  I basically just watched and helped out here or there, but everything came out really tastey and we even made a mini wrestling ring out of the ginger bread! SO cool!  Thanks Jay!

So now up to the more present... This is the first semester I'm not taking classes in five years.  Can you believe I've been in college for FIVE YEARS?!  Not going to lie, it gets kind of disheartening seeing kids younger than me graduating before me -- but thankfully God gave me that "forever student" kind of heart -- i loveee learning and if I could, I'd take classes forever, even after my degree, just in random things that would be interesting to learn about.  I took American Sign Language last year but can't take the second course of it because it was suchhhh a struggle to get there and maintain my grade.  I am an A - B student although I'll admit there are a few B-s in there :[  But nothing kills me more than working my butt of to get to the class, doing A work, and receiving a lower grade because I missed material and didn't know it for the quiz, or missed a quiz completely, etc.   This past semester was the roughest yet.. I got an F on a quiz (I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!! much less handle it lol) and I cried in front of my professor lol. It was because I was late and missed half of the quiz, so I got a 0 for that section... I then did some extra credit work with the help of a few friends (Thanks Rienna, Liam, Jay and Ben!) and hoped for the best, which obviously is an A for the final grade. My prof was skeptical about accepting extra credit, but thank God because he did!  I got an A!! I know I only take 1 class a semester.. but I love seeing "term GPA: 4.0" yeaaaa budddy!

Anddddd although I was disappointed that I wouldn't be taking classes this semester (it was really my fault for not following up with an advisor about my classes sooner.. and now the ones I need aren't online.. if they even were in the first place?... in my defense, I pull the "I have a lung disease" card) God is a God of hope and hope I got!  I only have 6 classes left to get me associates in psychology!  lol I know its just a baby degree but just think... in 7 more years I could get my bachelors! hahahaha

And the biggest news of all is - drum roll please - I'm going crazy.  Well not really.  And some of you may say that happened a long time ago :P but I feel crazy at least.  I was never very emotional, or so I thought, and now.. that's all I am!  I could cry, and do cry, over anythinggg!  I even turn off Happy Feet after the greatest part which occurs in like the first 10 minutes of the movie... For those of you who don't know what part that is.. it's when that little rapper penguin sings "don't push me cause I'm close to the edgeee..." Anyway... I think this whole transplant thing has broken me a little bit.. or a lotta bit.  I'm kind of being forced to think about things, and be real with my emotions, like I never have before.  It's not even all stuff regarding transplant.  The other night I had an epiphany about my self esteem -- uhhh what's going on here?  Anyway.. Friday night my church small group met again -- yayyy! -- I had missed a lot because I've been sick so much, and was sooo happy to get back!  But being the bipolarish girl that i am now, it came time to go, and I was happy.. oh wait no i wasnt!  I was upset .. for no reason other than my self pity accompanied by exhaustion.  I was about to call it quits on going, when God just really put it on my heart that I needed to go, and I knew what He was up to.  I knew that staying home would make me fall deeper in my momentary depression, and that He had something planned for me if I went... so I did.  And sure enough, He did.  I was instantly cheered by the greetings and kindness from people I had missed so much.  Their generosity made it a lot easier on me... I HATE asking people other than my family for help, and I'm still not quite used to lugging around oxygen with me... But I guess what I was forgetting was that in a way, these people ARE my family, too.  We ate some realllyy good soup and bread, and then started the study of the night.. and surprise, surprise, God refreshed me in His Word.  It was EXACTLY what I needed, and He reassured me of things that were floating in the back of my mind.  I left my house crying, and came home beaming.  I LOVE how nice God is!

I guess that's really it for now lol I wonder if anyone actually read this whole thing.  If you did, please remind me to mention you in my next one or something with major props to you lol this post was more for me to rant and get it out of my system so that I can get back to shorter, more normal posts hahahah. 

Also, brace yourselves for poems.  I wrote one the other day, and feel more coming on.  Introducing Emily - Emotional Poet Extraordinaire (sp?).

God is still nice to me even when I'm an emotional wreck because God is love.

just keep swimming, it's harder than you think.. or is it?

in this hurricane, so much is blowing about
there's so much pain and heartache, i can't help but doubt.
the water's rising fast, and my float is not inflated
this life is turning out to be way too complicated
i'll be completely honest, please try to understand
growing up i never thought CF would have the upper hand
i hate that i am boring now, my life revolves around my disease
all my conversations consist of sats and PFTS
i'm trying my hardest, but i can't help but look to the past
i just didnt know my healthy years would dissolve so fast
i watch as my friends graduate, move out and find their heart
meanwhile im just waiting for my life to restart
i havent admitted this, so please be gentle with me
but there's a lot of feelings and thoughts in my head,
that i don't let you see.
so here i am about to drown, struggling my hardest just to swim
and then my sweet Jesus reminds me, all i have to do is look at Him.
He knows the storm I'm in, and knows I easily forget
that His plans don't stop here, he's not done with me yet
He won't leave me or forsake me, He holds my hand when I'm scared
And every time I focus on him, this heart somehow gets repaired
The sweet name of Jesus brings peace to my mind
Suddenly it's ok to leave the past behind
Every doubt i have, every concern, every worry
God addresses directly, and they vanish in a hurry
Sometimes I close my eyes in fear, i hold them shut so tight
I forget if I just open them, my life is flooded with His light
You see, it wasn't until Peter took his eyes off Jesus, that he began to sink
So maybe staying afloat is a lot simpler than I think.


I can do my than stay afloat because God is love.

Mission Impossible

Hello!  I'm just going to jump right in -- God has been gently teaching me that I really do fully rely on Him.  I know that I do -- but it's more like head knowledge and he's been helping me experience heart knowledge as well.  We can all say that we know we fully rely on God -- but how much do we actual realize it?  Welllllll... I am SOOO happy that I serve a God who is so nice to me.  His teaching methods are the best out there.  Do you learn visually?  Are you more hands on?  Or do you learn better by reading about the topic?  Let's review Jesus' teaching style -- visual: check. hands on: check. Reading: check!

I want to be used by God and for God.  But sometimes that just seems so impossible; at least in the ways I want to do it, like missioning and witnessing, etc.  God has made SO many promises to those who love and follow him, it's hard to remember them all -- thankfully, it's not in God's character to forget the promises he's made to us. 

Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."

I was at the train station and saw a man waiting to get on the elevator with us.  God pointed him out, and I got that feeling -- that one that's from the Spirit telling you that you have to talk to that person.  I LOVE that!  Long story short, we got to the main floor, and I hadn't talked to him -- it was noisy, and crowded, not the best place to strike up a convo about God when you're half deaf and can barely hear the person who's crammed next to you yelling into your ear.  OH by the way, I was in my transfer chair because I wasn't breathing well enough to walk around NYC (we were on our way to Ripley's Believe it or not -- really fun!) .. Anyway we make it to the main floor, and I asked the guy if he's ok and he said something about no but he's trying or something, and proceeded on his way.  I couldn't let him just walk away!  God told me I was supposed to talk to him, and now I risked not only whatever plan God had for me and this guy's convo, but also disobeying the Lord!  I have been praying to be sensitive to the Spirit's leading ... and now I'm not going to go when He leads?  The guy was round the corner a little ways down.. so.. I jumped out of my chair and said to my family "I'll be right back!", grabbed June's arm and said "Come with me!" and we ran down the hallway around the corner.

Yes, I said it. Ran.  (well, it was probably more like jogging for a normal person, or maybe a brisk walk lol but for me it was running.)

We got to the guy, stopped him, talked to him, and prayed with him.  And I wasn't out of breath.  At all.

Remember -- I couldn't even walk around two minutes ago without getting breathy and walking veryyyyyyyy slowly.  June said she knew it must have been God leading because she couldn't believe how well I was breathing after what she calls my "sprint" hahah.

I thought it was awesome -- how amazing for God to use me -- a sinner, not worthy, only redeemed by Jesus' blood (thank you, Jesus!), and still after being redeemed -- I continue to fall short every day -- and that's who the Spirit led, that's the person's prayer God answered in being sensitive to the Spirit -- what a gracious God we serve!!

But wait, it gets better -- I fully believe the phrase "no one is handicapped in God's eyes".  You were created to fulfill his will and purpose and if you're walking with him, no disability can prevent you from doing so.  HOWEVER, again .. this was more head knowledge than heart knowledge and although my head knows, my heart was feeling otherwise. 

The way I want to serve Jesus is too risky for my health, or too physically demanding for me right now... So my heart tells me that I'm handicapped.  That it's impossible to serve how I desire to. 

Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things..."

God called me to serve that day in a way I desire to.  He called me to do something that would be deemed risky for my health (meeting a stranger, getting close, etc), and that seemed physically impossible (run/jog down the hall and talk with that guy).

I wasn't coughing.  I wasn't out of breath.  My oxygen wasn't low. 

God equipped me for what he called me to do. 

Hebrews 13:21 "...may he equip you with all you need for doing his will.."

He did, and he does. Why?  Because nothing is impossible with God.

What is God equipping you to do? 

The impossible becomes possible because God is love.

Anyone down for a game of Guess Who?

Hellloooo!  So.. God is awesome -- shocker. lol lately, when I get sad or anxious, or whatever, I ask God to remind me who I am.  I have accepted the salvation offered to me through Jesus Christ's blood and I am now a child of God.  I am protected in the shadow of His wings, and I can trust His plans for my life.  It sounds wonderful, and on a day when I'm really feeling pumped for Christ, it's like YEAHHH BABBYY!!! But in those moments when I'm on the edge of despair - it feels like I'm too weak to fight back.  That's a lie from the devil - and I know it is -- which is why I ask for God to remind me who I am .. I am not a little weakling -- because my Daddy is STRONG and I am his!  Have you ever noticed how character traits are passed down to children?  If a father is a die hard mechanic -- his kids usually know a lot about cars.. or ever see a reallyyyy tall guy?  his kids are usually not shorties..  anyway -- the point I'm making is that God created us in HIS image -- and He certainly isn't one to give way to satan -- He doesn't cower under satan's attacks or temptations or lies.  He stands strong - which is what He's called us to do -- the Bible says to put on the full armor of God!  How awesome!  And although no weapon formed against the followers of Jesus will prosper (Isaiah 54:17), God still equips us with weapons!  The full armor of humanly warfare?  NOPE!  The armor of GOD!  (Ephesians 6:10-18) .  It really is amazing that we have access to that.  But... satan didn't just start his carreer in deceiving yesterday.. so he's pretty well versed at what he does -- and back to those moments when I'm overwhelmed -- he makes me feel like there is no possible way I am strong enough to suit up.  Picture a knight and all the armor they wear.. and then picture little ol' me, trying to even stand up wearing all that!  No way.  And that's the image I get in my head - just what the devil wants, and opposite of what God wants/the truth.  See, the truth is, God's armor IS NOT too heavy for me to carry - in fact if it were a physical outfit -- it'd be manufactured out of those "easy to breathe" fabrics.  But there's more, because of God doesn't give minimally, but abundantly -- so despite the truth that His armor is NOT to heavy for me, He knows that I'm being deceived and believing that it is -- so He offers to help me suit up, to help me stand up, and to lift the "heavy weight".  How nice!  But here's where he really struck me yesterday....

I am totally prideful and selfish -- I would definitely say those are the two sins that I unfortunately lose to the most often.  (God's helping me though!)  Anyway, I tend to make everythingggg about me somehow - without even realizing!  Including asking God for strength in times of need.  I tend to try to do things out of my own strength instead of God's.  "Lord, remind me who I am" -- yes, it is good to be reminded of who you are IN CHRIST, but last night God reminded me of something else too..

"Lord, remind me who I am" is not nearlyyyyy as powerful as "Lord, remind me who YOU are."  Praise God that He is the one who walked on water, and calmed the seas.  That He is maker of the universe, that He breathed the stars into existance, and that He is the creator of alllll the things we know, and sooo much more we haven't even discovered.  And most of all.. that He is who He knows himself to be -- not just who we think he is .. In other words, we are limited in our comprehension, so therefore we limit God.  We often put Him inside a box, or doubt, but even if we don't do that -- our brains can only understand so much .. and God defies the limits of our brains.  LOVE IT!

So.. when you're having a bad day, tired, sick, feel like crying, or just feel weak or overwhelmed -- ask God to help you remember who you are in Him - worth His life - but more so, ask God to help you remember who He is for you.

P.S. if you guys get a chance, youtube "I AM" by Mark Schultz -- that's the song God used to remind me of just a few things about Himself.

God graciously reminds me who He is because God is love.

they tried to make me go to rehab and i said.. yes, yes, yes!

Hello again!  As most of you probably know, today I had a transplant visit.  Everytime I go it's a little different, but essentially I do some kind of test, and then meet and talk with my transplant pulmologist.  Today followed that outline, too.  Here's my day.

Wake up.  Too early. lol let me tell you, my poor mother has really got the gift of cheerfulness when I'm walking around like an attitudey zombie, and my dad is frantic to leave on time .. which we didnt.. shocker. lol but we made it there on time and my first test was the cardiopulmonary stress test aka ride a bike with stuff connected to you.  They put a head thing on me -- has anyone seen mean girls? if so, you know that part when regina is getting ready for prom and decorating her head brace?  it was JUST like that except it didnt connect to my neck, and i wasn't getting ready for prom, and i try to be a nice girl :P -- anyway they put that on me, and then connect a mouth piece to that and obviously that goes in my mouth lol and then they put the little heart monitors on me, and a pulseox (detects my oxygen levels), and the lady took my blood pressure every two minutes.  I was really blown away by how much they can detect, and monitor, and adjust!  SO cool!  So I had to sit at rest for 5 minutes to get my baseline, and then I did a 3 minute warm up and then they slowly increase the pressure.  I don't actually know how long I was on the bike for but the lady said I did really well!  The assessment is what really excited me, though.  I'm hoping I understood everything correctly but here goes..

She said that I have a lot of lactic acid.  That basically there's two types of like muscle energy in your muscles - type 1 is long lasting; where you can exert energy forever basically - this is the kind that burns your calories.  type 2 is for short bursts of energy, like standing up or sprinting.  Type 2 gets tired VERY quickly.  So when you don't exercise for a long time because you're sick or whatever, your type 1s diminish and theres more type 2s.  So your muscles get tired really quickly as a result.  And as a result of that, you produce lactic acid.   They way your body gets rid of lactic acid is by binding it with carbon dioxide and exhaling it.  Hence .. the more lactic acid you have, the breathier you are.  Soooo she said I have a lot of lactic acid -- which means that I could try to exercise and might become less breathy!  I'm SO souped! 

Next was my 6 minute walk test -- I do as many laps around these two cones as I can in 6 minutes.  Last time I did it, I was on oxygen and my levels still dipped to 85.  Today I did it without oxygen, and only dipped to 87!  I did have to take a ten second break this time, but I still did really well!

The concesus was to start exercising slowly.  They don't want me to jump in to something my body can't handle.  And to use a little bit of oxygen while exercising so that if my levels drop, it won't hurt my body, and I'll be able to exercise a little longer than without oxygen.  So I am happy!! lol

My weight is back up to 100.4! woo hoo!  And my transplant doc was happy that I had gotten all my vaccines and stuff done.  My wisdom teeth are scheduled to be pulled and.... I DON'T HAVE TO GET A CARDIO CATH!!!!

For those of you who don't remember, or haven't heard -- there was that huggee uproar about the blood clot on my port, which God turned into a "vegetation".  The cardio cath is when they put a catheter into your right heart and check around, but that's right where my "vegetation" is and there were majorrrrr concerns/risks of dislodging it with the cath, so they held it off.  The newest opinion from the cardiologist and the cath techs was that it would probably not dislodge and the test could more than likely be done without anything happening.  I was happy about this because I don't want a dangerous thing in my heart, but at the same time, I REALLY didn't want that test -- it just really freaked (and still freaks) me out for some reason.  So today my doc says well of course there are risks with every procedure, but there is thought to be very little risk of dislodgement with this procedure.  And I'm thinking oh great... she's going to say so let's schedule the cath.  Then the next thing I know, she says, but if it's a concern to you, we don't have to do it.  It's not a test that is absolutely vital for transplant, it's good to have, but if it's going to be a big concern, let's skip it for now and if it ever comes up as an issue we'll discuss it then.

THANK YOU GOD!!! I was not expecting that turn in the conversation and my mom, dad, and i all breathed a sigh of relief!

After that, we just talked about things like if I could wear nail polish and some less important things like antibiotics :P  (by the way, I was very happy to hear I CAN wear nail polish !)  We finished off well and then were on our way home!

It's hard because after today, I feel like I don't want to be on the transplant list -- which by the way I'm not yet.  I can be put on if things get worse, and in case of emergency, I can be added onto it within an hour.  But for now, I'm not getting worse, THANK YOU JESUS!, and I really feel like if I exercise and stuff, I could really postpone my need for transplant for awhile.  I am super excited to exercise (even though when I know I won't love it so much when I'm struggling to do it.. but still) andddd I'm going to start going to rehab -- pulmonary rehab that is :P -- and I'm really excited about that too!

Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement -- definitelyyy helped make my day so great today!

I had a REALLY great day because God is love.

a stroll down memory lane

Hello all!  Just a heads up -- this post is really more for me than it is for you lol I'm hoping God can still use it for you, of course!  But I was chatting with a friend, and telling them stories about how awesome God has been.. and so i just wanted to type some to remind myself how sweet Jesus is to me.  I know some are more vague than others .. but they hold significance to me no matter how short the sentence lol -- if you want to hear details .. feel free to message me cause that's what I'm called to do -- share the goodness of God!  (I just didnt wan't to force my details on ya!  After all.. I can talk quiteeee a bit! haha)  Anyway.. God is the nicest :]


Dear God,
Remember when...

... you heard my heart's cry for independence and answered by placing a CF specialty hospital right down the road from the hotel I was going to stay at during a road trip with a friend?  That was the only reason I was allowed to go, and you planned for it before I even started planning the trip.. probably before I was even old enough to talk.

... you turned my life-threatening, port disabling, big surprise upset, blood clot into a non-threatening vegetation?

... you put your hand on mine, and held in my fragile, flimsy IV long enough until they deemed it ok to come out? 

... and you not only held it in, but eased the pain during infusion.  I cried out to you, and you heard me.

... you brought me safely to Ohio, and amazed all the doctors, nurses, and myself with the surgery, and how quickly you recovered me?

... you gave wisdom to the one nurse on my team to start me on flu medication even when all the other doctors said that it wasn't the flu?

... it was the flu and you had already smoothed my pathway to recovery by starting me early on the meds?

...  you filled my lungs and let me sing praises to your sweet name like never before?  That was so awesome!

... I was scared to be knocked out, and called your name right before the drugs hit me and just as you promised in the Psalms, held my high?

... you surrounded me with nurses who were believers?

... you gave me praise music to recover to?

... I was upset and stubborn, not wanting to get my port, and scared of it.  And you reminded me who I am?  you made me remember that "you make me wanna be brave"?

... when I sinned against you and you forgave me?

... you sat with me in my bad mood?

... you let me cry to you?

... I didn't want to talk, so you sat with me quietly?

... you reminded me that you're going to make me run without growing wearing, and walk without fainting.. literally. (Isaiah 40:31)

... I was having a terribleeee day at work, and you played my favorite song on the CD player?

... you died for me even when I didn't love you?

Thank You, Saviour!

I have a God who cares about every little (and big!) detail and takes care of them because God is love <3

Sunday Night: The eclipse

So... I'm only going to share one story in this post because I want to get it out before I forget but I'm really tired and lazy today lol.  Anyway, Sunday my mom and I were planning on going to my sister's house.  I was going to skip church and go, and my mom was going to go to church and meet me there.  However, schedules got busy and my mom decided to just miss church and go in the same car with me.  We went, and thank you God, had SUCH a great day!  I haven't been feeling great, but Sunday I barely coughed while I was there!  AND we went in the pool - which by the way was 91 degrees! AND how it fills my heart to hear little Juju crack up and say "AMPTIE EM! how do you do that?!" (i was floating on my back and apparently that's just the funniest thing!) Anyway, after a wonderful day, it was time to go.  My mom and I hopped in my car and left.. but didn't get far.  God's grace, on the other hand, extended far beyond my belief.

As I'm on the parkway right before the bridge I was merging into the second lane.  (Like, I was in the 3rd lane on the right, and wanted to get to the second lane that's close to the left.)  As I'm attempting to make my move, I feel my car die.  You know that feeling when your car just loses power?  Yep.  I look at my speed and altho my foots all the way down trying to accelerate, I was losing speed.  This all happened so quickly.  But I can at least now say that I am a true Gorsky - quick Gorsky trivia: when something BAD is happening, my mom and dad's voices and attitudes get OVERLY calm lol -- but back to the story -- As soon as I realized what was happening I said "Mom, my car died" and she said "WHAT!" And I said "I have no gas" meaning I couldn't accelerate.  She said "Get to the left shoulder!!" which is what I was trying to do - but before she even finished the sentence, my power steering died too.  Now I know it is possible to drive without power steering -- but considering I have trouble opening doors and jars, for me to power steer would REALLY be the strength of Jesus! (No, that didn't happen. lol) I couldn't control the car anymore, and we were still at 50mph, with other cars whizzzinggg on both sides of us a lot faster than that.  Some person who I could have words for, but choose not to lol decided to speed up right when I was trying to get across the left lane to the left shoulder and we almost hit him... ALMOST.  We made it the left shoulder, and called the police.  I wasn't scared.  I wasn't frustrated.  I wasn't upset in the least.  God's peace. 

My mom called the police and they said they'd send a tow - and JUST FYI in case you ever break down on the parkway -- it's a restricted driving area -- which means GEICO, or whatver insurance you have can't send out their guys to get you -- the state is contracted with specific towing companies to come get you and insurances will reimburse up to the closest dealership of your car -- but anyway -- they said the tow would be there in 30 minutes.  Not even 5 minutes after that, a state officer pulls up on my side from prkway south, and asks if we broke down.  I said yes, and he said I'll swing around that side.  So he does, asks what happens and we told him everything, including the tow was coming in 30.  He says let me just check on that for ya.  He goes back to his car, comes back and says yea, the tows on its way.  Before he even gets back to his car -- the tow truck was there!  We found out the miles the insurance would reimburse for was 5 miles.  It was 6.1 miles to our house.  So close and yet so far.. and SO expensive! But we has such a nice tow guy, he called his boss and they brought us to our house without the additional cost!

There is SOOO much to be thankful for.  And all I can keep thinking is .."I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by mercy".  The Bible makes it clear that there is ACTUAL warfare going on.  In Daniel an angel speaks of actual warfare with spirits.  Now I know I've probably read and watched one too many spiritual warfare fictions, but have any of you read "This Present Darkness" by Frank Peretti?  (If you haven't.. I SERIOUSLY reccommend it! That's actually the book that got me into reading!)  Anyway, not to give it away but at one point in the book, theres a woman who is the enemie's (the Devil) target, and she's driving.  And there are angels fighting spirits, and other angels surrounding the car, guiding the car, and protecting her.  And that's what came to my mind -- I had no control over that car, and if it had been angled slightly a different way, we would have hit the car in the left lane. 

There are SO many possibilities of what COULD have happened, but there's only ONE answer of what DID happen - my afflictions were eclipsed by mercy. -- I was shielded.

BAHHH and that is so like Jesus to be sweet and gentle to us, and strong and protective for us.

I was and am protected because God is love.