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Bla.. so I don't feel good. shocker. lol sorry to sound blaa. First things first.  I want to thank everyone for their prayers, and encouragement!  I always feel terrible when I say I don't feel well because I feel like I'm somehow letting you guys down.  But the truth is that your prayers ARE heard, and your encouragement DOES boost me!  So even when we don't see the results we wanted or expected, God is still moving.

Today my therapy kicked my butt.  I couldn't even fully breathe in my nebulizers because I was choking so much that my mom even told me to take a break.  But God is SO nice.  I wanted to go to church, although now all my wants are kind of disappearing behind my fatigue --- sleep is definitely winning out over things --- anyway, I was so tired and not feeling well after my therapy, I was tempted to lay back down and sleep.  But I kept praying God please.. because I knew that going to church would be good for me -- to be among other believers, and the presence of God -- THAT's what I need!  And God helped me!  He gave me the energy and motivation to get ready and go! 

My oxygen has been low today, which is weird because I feel like my cold/allergies/whatever was making me normal-people sick, has gotten better.  So as the sickness got better, my CF got worse?  I don't know.  I wore oxygen when I got home from church, and just felt blah.  I didn't want anyone to ask how I was feeling today.  Not because I'm upset about it, even though I am a little, but because it's my life now.  That's practically the ONLY thing I talk about, and it's because it's the only thing I have to talk about.  I go to school, and then come home.  My life is now scheduled around my disease.  It's dumb.  And yet, I can't do much about that. 

I cried at the doctors this past week.  They asked how I was feeling and I just sobbed.  I'm so done with having CF.  And yet, I'm not.  Obviously God has a plan for this.  He wouldn't continue my suffering if it wouldn't somehow bring him glory.  So since I'm still in this situation, it means the glory He will receive from it has not yet been completely fulfilled.  So yes, I hate CF.  I'm becoming very fed up with it.  And yet, I still want it because I would not want to change God's plans.  The days I am weak, he provides my strength.  The days that I am frustrated, he lets me vent to him.  The days that I can't even vent because I'm so done, he just sits with me.  My God is SO nice.

He's also teaching me to be less vain.  I don't exactly like the way I look anymore.  My face has gotten huge, and I'm getting a hump on the back on my neck -- no, I lied.  Not getting -- I have one.  I feel like the hunchback of notredamn's little cousin or something.  It's not HUGE, but it's huge to me.  I can feel it just sitting there, and I can only put my head back so far now.. But what bothers me most is that OTHER people can see it.  OTHER people can see my huge face and hump.  Where is my fear?  Why am I having such a fear of man rather than God?  Ah.. seems to me like all those prayers where I asked God to open my eyes are slowly, and gently being answered.  And how sweet of God to gently answer that prayer.  He knows that ultimately my looks mean NOTHING -- but he knows that to me, they definitely have a significance.  So he eases me into learning.  He protects my feelings and heart as he teaches me.  Thank you, Jesus <3

Enough complaining..

You know in the movies there's the hero?  You can picture him with his sword at his side, ready for battle, standing tall, arms to fight and yet protect.  That's God.  He IS the knight in shining armor.  He IS the protection you can just cradle into.  And I love it.  I love how he really is more than enough.  <3


This suffering will not last a second more than it needs to because God is love.