God is SO nice to have given me a relief period, which I think my last post was about. It was AWESOME to breathe better, but I am on the decline again. Well.. I was on the decline -- I'm down now lol. I started coughing a little, and then that progressed, along with heavy breathing, low oxygen, fevers, bla bla bla. It's all in God's hands.
This is the first time I've been dependent on oxygen all the time. I had to wear it all day and night. Thankfully I can take it off for short periods, like going to the bathroom, now without it going too low. I'm currently on IVs, too.
We went to the docs yesterday, which was much less of a struggle than I had anticipated. My sisters are sooo good to me -- and Vicky put time in find a chair that I could get pushed in (basically a wheelchair) to borrow. (Thanks Lai family!) And my Aunt Onion (yes, Onion! haha we couldn't pronounce Yvonne when we were little, so this became her official title) came along to help my dad and I. (Thanks Onion!) I held my oxygen tank, and Onion pushed me up the hill, into the building, to the elevators, to the office. When I got up there, I did a pulmonary function test which came out lower than we would hope. I'm supposed to do the test 3 times -- it's just breathing into a machine as hard and long as you can -- but I couldn't complete it the second time, so we didn't try for a third. According to the test, my lungs are functioning at 24%. No bueno. But I kind of think it's not completely accurate because I'm not feeling well, so of course it'll be lower. Anyway, after that I saw the doc and we talked. She changed on of the IV meds I'm on, and I'll see her again next week.
We got home, and my doc called saying I was a little dehydrated according to the blood work results she just got, so she was going to start me on IV fluids along with the meds to hydrate me. The nurse came to show us how to work the IV drip, and it was easy. Well.. I should say easy...er said than done. When we hooked it up, it didn't work correctly and after an hour and a half, none of the fluid had gone in. OY!
Along with everything going on last night, before we found out about that I'd be on an IV drip (which means I have to stay home and be connected to the IV pole thing), I was scheming to be able to go to school tonight. I texted someone I know who's on campus at the same time, and he said he'd be willing to push me in the chair to my class from the handicap parking lot. I was psyched. I thought I'd be able to do it! And, not going to lie here, since my dad was so against me going to school, I wanted to go all the more haha. But then the IV drip thing happened.. and I knew I wouldnt be able to go. I was upset. I'm really emotional lately lol but I was tired and now something as easy as going to school, I'm being held back from. I was on the verge of crying when my sister from another mister, Nisha, came over with boston market for dinner! YUM! There was some talk about serious topics, and of course arguing, between my parents and I, but then things calmed and Nisha and I just hung out and played video games. We all sat down to eat a little later, and then had a fun talk at dinner. I am SO thankful for last night -- I think it's so nice how God sends people to help you feel better.
Onto today.. I didn't sleep very well last night. I had put my oxygen down to 1 liter when we got home because in the car I was off oxygen and my levels were staying at like 92 -- PRAISE GOD! But at home I started getting a headache even though my levels were still 92 93. So then I bumped it up to 2 liters.. and then last night I felt like I needed more while I was sleeping so it's back up to 3 liters.
Tomorrow is the meeting and testing with the lung transplant team -- which DOES NOT mean I'm getting a lung transplant any time soon -- but it does mean that my doctor thinks I will need one at some point and so I have to go for an evaluation consisting of breathing tests, blood work, exercise endurance, etc. I just feel kind of blah about it. Like any second I'll wake up from this dream and be breathing like I used to. I can picture myself walking into the dance studio I used to go to, and shaking off this nightmare. I can picture myself laughing and thanking God that this was all just some crazy dream because how did I get here? I used to dance 6 hours a week.. I used to be this hyper little thing.. I wasn't irresponsible; I didn't slack on my meds or therapy and now as a result of that am in the position I'm in now. I just don't quite understand and sometimes it just doesn't feel like it could be real. I was thinking today how my attitude is so much more defeatus. (I'm pretty sure thats a word.. and if not.. it is now haha) . When I'm sick I usually feel like - ok be the warrior in Christ that I'm supposed to be! -- and now I just feel like.. God.. is this really your plan? If it is, I'm totally down for it. But am I somehow inflicting this upon myself?--- Not only that, I feel SO disconnected from God.. I havent been reading my Bible like I should, or like I need, and my prayer times have been so short its ridic. I'm trying to get back to really being focused and dedicated, but I feel like I'm doing it out of my own strength and not His -- hence the feeling of disconnection. What I can hold on to though, is that FEELINGS aren't concrete. I can FEEL a certain way without it actually being true. And the truth is that God doesn't let go of me. He's there even when I feel like He's not. And He loves me even when I feel like I'm somehow doing something to keep us seperated. I am sealed by the Holy Spirit -- I am not seperated from God. And what I absolutely love is --- whether this is real or a dream, self inflicted or God's will, feels right or not, God is still God. He is in control and He is my Protector, my Refuge and my Strength.
Unfortunately, this isn't a dream.
Fortunately, Jesus is stronger than reality.
It's ok that this is real, because God is love.
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