Sometimes God's will doesn't involve the plans you think are best. When that happens, to be frank, it stinks... a lot. Thankfully, we are assured that HIS plan really is best, even while we're still going through the heartache of his grace being sufficient instead of our own plans being fulfilled.. which is weird because we shouldn't be feeling heartache, but joy. How awesome is it that God is SO great that just His grace is completely sufficient for us? Still... our minds trick us into thinking that our plans could be better, and it's disappointing (GOD IS NOT DISAPPOINTING, just the circumstances are disappointing.) I love how the Word always offers a hope, too. " 'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord." Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that HE knows his plans. Well.. maybe I should stop being so vague and just tell what's going on.
I want to be healed. I want one of those Acts miracles in my CF. To breathe like I never have before, to have new and working lungs -- without having a transplant. Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO thankful that God has provided transplant as a possible treatment for me. Really. Cancer patients can't get transplants, and I feel so terrible that they can't turn to that if they need it. But... I don't want to be so incredibly immune suppressant (sp?) the rest of my life. If I'm breathing, I want to be serving. And the way I long to serve, I wouldn't be able to do because of my lack of immunity. I want to go on mission trips. And I know, I can be a missionary here. But I want to go help build a home, or a church, or wells or something. I want to go into hospitals and pray over sick people. I want to nurse people, and help them. I semi-know what they're going through with IVs and all, and I know what hurts and what doesn't, and the anxiety related with everything, and the way to reduce said anxiety. I want to help the sick, not be the sick.
I've prayed before that I would be completely healed. I think I've prayed it wholeheartedly, totally expecting, like twice. Which is terrible because we are supposed to pray with expectation every time we pray. But it's almost like I'm not letting my guard down for it since God's answer was not right now the past times. Anyway, I prayed it last night. It was on my mind, and I tried my hardest to pray with the most expectation that I could. And I did. I fully expected to stand up after that prayer and walk out of my room with my new supernatural gift of breathing from Christ. I started to fantasize about what it'd be like. What would my reaction be? Would I jump and dance, now being able to with this new energy and breath? Would I just cry? Would I fall down in worship? Would I run out of my room and call my doctor? How awesome would it be to call my doctor and ask for an x-ray because I don't have CF anymore. She'd look at my last x-ray showing damaged, dysfunctional lungs, and then see this new x-ray with healthy beyond healthy lungs. How cool! But.. God's answer, like it was to Paul, was that his grace is sufficient for me. And that maybe, even though that's how I feel like I'd be serving (missions, nursing, etc) He wants me in a different mission field. So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to pray not to be healed, but instead for him to show me what he wants me to do. Trying to sincerely pray for his will, not mine. It's really hard. I can feel myself almost in a purposely apathetic mood because I don't want to be upset about it. Thank God for his love and grace that is holding onto me. I think it's so nice that I don't even want to like... face God... at the moment and he's just patiently waiting for me. It's not that I'm angry, I'm just still accepting his answer. So please pray for me, and please no one get the wrong idea here about God. God's plans are way better than I could even think -- remember the 31%?! He ALWAYS outdoes me! But, there's a time for everything, and this isn't my time to be healed yet.
He's SO nice, too, because I am breathing better. The past 2 weeks I've had easier breaths, and more energy. Like significantly noticeable. I don't have to do my therapy the very second I wake up just to breathe. I still have to do it, of course, but it's nice not to struggle so hard from the second I open my eyes.
Anyway, I felt like I should write about this.. and I didn't really want to. I started off the blog saying - this is going to be short.-- And typed not even a paragraph, but then God reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 -- and he used this entry, that I didn't want to type and wasn't going to expand on, to comfort me. Thanks Jesus <3
So.. please pray for me that I would have a heart for whatever Jesus wants me to, and to be able to serve in an environment that's safe and fulfilling. And that I would love God more. Thanks everyone and happy new year!
P.S. sorry if this was like.. a downer.
My God has bigger plans because God is love.
No comments:
Post a Comment