LOTS of rambling on

It's that time again... time to blog!  And now that I actually have time to blog.. brace yourselves because these might get a little lengthybut maybe not.. we'll see haha.  Anyway.. I'll make this entry a short one.. not because there's not a lot to say... but I'm pretty tired and only have 20 minutes to relax until my next treatments and therapy.  So... basically I'm doing fine in the hospital.  My oxygen beens running a little low, so I'm on oxygen most the day, but I can take it off sometimes.  I've been here for 3 days now, and I don't feel a change in my breathing, but my cough is looser, and I'm not hacking up a lung all the time anymore!  I just wanted to remind everyone that I'm not dying over here.  This wasn't an "o my goodness, she can't breathe! admit her to the hospital!" type situation.  I have been breathing badly, and recently having symptoms that it's getting worse.  I got so used to the way I was breathing, that I didn't realize that I should NOT be breathing like this.  My doctor, however, recognized it right away, and acted on it, which is good.  I am excited to be here because for the past year or so we've been treating my CF infections and I'd get "better" and then just get sick again sometime not too long after. The past few weeks, though, I've lost weight, and my oxygen has been a little lower than normal.  So, here in the hospital, they reviewed my over-night tube feed regimen, and came to the conclusion that if we changed the regimen, I might benefit more from it.  Who knows, but it's worth a shot! So we're working on that.. and I'm on IV antibiotics for my lungs.. doing therapy 3 times a day... andddd.. just trying to turn this around.  It's been good so far.  The nurse even switched our room the first night we were here, to a room with a beautiful view of the GW bridge and Hudson river. How nice is God?  I'll post a picture on here another time.  Anyway.. God has just been holding on to us, protecting us and guiding us.  But that shouldn't be surprising.  hahaha.  Anyway. I wrote wayyyy more than expected (shocker, I know.).  I'll try to blog tomorrow and tell about how sweet Jesus is, but it's going to be a busyyy day tomorrow, so we'll see.  Anyway, thank you for all your prayers!!

This road isn't a dead end because God is love.

P.S.S.

or really it should be P.P.S. but still.  I didn't make up the phrase Soak up the Son -- heard it on star 99.1 and love it!

I wanna soak up the Son :]

Hello!  Looooonnnggg time no talk.  I haven't been writing on here.. obviously.  But I wanted to tonight because God is just SO nice.  So... This week is VBS (Vacation Bible School - a camp-like outreach at church where kids come from 8am-1pm ish and do crafts, have snack, and learn about God in lots of fun ways -- it's totallyyyy free and it's for ages kindergarten through 5th grade -- the teens, 6th grade through 12th, meet at night for their own youth night fun with snacks and games too!  Feel free to go, or send your children!  225 Middlesex Ave, Metuchen, NJ -- phone number 732-548-4279)  And I was psyched.  I LOVE it!  It's tiring, but so much fun.  I was worried, though, because my breathing hasn't exactly been up to par.  I want to serve the Lord, and serve these kids, but I don't want to do it and do a bad job because I can't breathe.  Anyway, needless to say people started praying!  Praying that I could breathe and have energy and strength, etc.  I got my therapy done early Sunday night so I could go to bed early and wake up nice and early Monday morn.  The plans.. got a little .. changed.  I guess I caught some kind of stomache bug.  I was feeling SO sick last night.  Not breathing wise, normal people wise haha.  I couldn't hold anything down (sorry for being gross) and my blood sugar kept dropping, which meant I kept needing to have soda, which meant I kept.. not holding it down.  Bla bla bla.  It was rough.  Have you ever felt so sick, but it's not like you can put a finger on what exactly is hurting?  It was almost like that, and my mom even had to calm me down a few times because I felt so sick I started to panic a little.  Anyway.. between 3 and 4 am, I could finally take tiny sips of gateorade and hold it!  As soon as we knew I was ok for a little fluid, I took two pills for anti-nausea.  God used them!   Praise God!  I REALLY hated feeling so sick, but God took it away!  I was still sick though, had to be careful not to drink too quickly, and then took my temperature.  104.1F.  Oy.  Sooo something was definitely wrong haha.  Anyway, after being up all night, I called one of the VBS directors at 6:30am to say that I really couldn't go.  She was SO nice!  It's such a blessing for people to be soo understanding and kind.  She told me not to worry and please feel better.  So I spent the day on the couch basically.  And God just awed me.  It seems as though he didn't answer the prayers of so many people, myself including.  But really, I think it's just the opposite.  What if God used the VBS prayers to protect me?  No, I didn't get to go to VBS, but all day I've barely coughed at all, even during my therapy.  My oxygen levels have been low lately, 92, sometimes 91 and I'll need oxygen.  Today they were steadily 94.  The pains in my chest were removed.  It's as if God KNEW I was going to get this sick, and he knew that people would pray for my breathing in doing VBS, so he used VBS to get them to pray specifically for that, so that now, I didn't suffer while I was sick by adding breathing complications to it.  I spoke with my doctor's office today, and they asked if I was coughing more than usual.  I replied "No... less actually.." How awesome is Jesus?  By His stripes we are healed!  And I love that by His scarred hands, we are protected.  This could have more than easily turned into a hospital trip, but it didn't.  And God even added in some plus's for me.  My doctor feels I got so sick, ironically, from a reaction to being on antibiotics.  So he said to stop them.  When I'm on the antibiotics, I can't be in the sun.  Even sometimes on a gray day, if I sit outside, I'll get a burn.  It's been ok because I breathe better in the air conditioning anyway, but I want to be in the sun sometimes.  And now I can!  AND it's one less pill for me to take, and figure out the timing of and everything.  Bahh.. God's so nice!  Anyway, as of right now my temp is 99.4, I can eat, my headache isn't as bad, but my stomache's still upset and I'm feeling a little tired/groggy.  But compared to last night, woof!  I just love how God really does plan everything, even though we forget he does.  And how he spends time with us, even when we're just laying on a couch.  Bahhh.. I can't wait to feel better and enjoy the outdoors with God -- I can't wait to soak up the Son! :P

I am shielded because God is love.
Psalm 3:3 "But you, O Lord, are a shield around me"

P.S. Thank you all for all the prayers!

bahhh

How nice is God?!  Last night I couldn't sleep.. the pain in my side hurt in basically every position -- except if I layed flat on my back -- a position, try as I might, I can't sleep in.  So around 3 I fell asleep for about a half hour, and around 4 I just decided to bear the pain.  Except -- God had made it so much less than it was.  It REALLY hurt when I would lay on either of my sides, but then.. God made it bearable!  It still hurt a lot but was mild enough that I could at least fall asleep!  Thank you Jesus!  And throughout all the coughing, with my nightfeed in and everything, I didn't get sick!  ANNDDD you know how when you're so tired and you can't sleep you just get frustrated and like mad at the world haha that didn't happen!  God instead gave me Jesus glorifying thoughts, reminding me of the sword in Jesus' side, and how much he loved me to endure pain like that.  How awesome.  And then today, I just felt so in the center of God's hand.  I was breathing better than yesterday and not coughing as much -- which was awesome.  I said to my mom -- I love not totally not breathing haha I was in such a good mood -- and I got to give a Bible to my professor, and I had enough breath to walk to the class to give it to her, and just bahhh .  I love feeling held by God -- even though I know he holds me all the time lol -- I got my x-rays done and my mom was nice enough to come with me!  and drive!  lol I didn't feel like driving, and then she treated me to taking me to a shoe store and we I got shoes that I've been wanting.  Ah.  Good, good day.  Time for bed now.  Bahhh God :]

He holds me in the palm of His hands because God is love.

Long, but good!

Bahh -- where to begin?!  Well.. Cuatro de Mayo was great.  Yes, that's correct, CUATRO de Mayo -- JULIANNA'S FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!  She is SO stinkin' cute!  She wasn't really sure about the cake, and when she touched the icing, she got grossed out haha but she knew exactly what to do with the presents!  And her best friend, Addy, was right there to help her celebrate and play with her new toys!  HAHA they are way too precious -- I can't even take it hahah.  Mothers' Day (today) was also really great!  Nicole was soooo generous in making us all a huuuuge dinner!  (Thanks Nicole!)  And little Juj was quite the entertainment in talking, smiling, and being so cute!  Ah, I still can't believe she's real -- and we get to love her!  On Jujy's down times, aka botty drinking moments, the dogs were more than enough to pay attention to -- Cody: the wild westie!  ready to jump on everything, and kill any squirrel that dare cross his path, Pip- the tiny but mighty! definitely the hyperactive out of them all (even Cody!, now THAT says something!), and Sprocket: the calm, snuggly, old fellow who thinks Cody and Pip are crazy seperately, let alone together!  Haha it was really fun having the whole fam together. 

Health wise-- I'm not breathing well, and starting yesterday I've had a pain in the side of my chest.. not sure if I pulled a muscle or broke a bone -- but hopefully I'll find out tomorrow with an x-ray.  The enemy has REALLYYYY been eating at me.  The deceiver loves to... well.. deceive.  And that's exactly what he's been doing.  I am so tired, especially in the mornings -- even if I got more than enough sleep, and it's really hard to wake up to know that as soon as my eyes open, the coughing begins.  I am SO thankful for my sound mind --- and I keep praying God maintains that!  My body however, doesn't agree with my mind most of the time.  I want to go out and do things, or exercise to try and feel better.. and my body is kinda just like -- haha yeaaa right, we are going to lay here instead.  So that's a little frustrating.  And nights are the worst for me.  I end up staying up too late, who knows why, and it's just like leaving the door open for Satan to come and be my "comforter".  These past nights (and some days)  I have been feeling awful..  This is not where I saw myself at 21 years of age.  I definitely didn't imagine that my health could even get this bad.  And then I start snowballing -- well if it's this bad now, how am I going to be in a few years?  Am I even going to make it to a few years?  I've always wanted to get married -- that's not in the picture now.  etc, etc, etc... Bla.  During one of these depressive moments, I decided to read some letters from a book that I HIGHLY reccommend.  "His Princess Warrior" by Sheri Rose Shepherd.  Has anyone ever seen the "everything skit"?  Where the person is just getting so hit by the things of the world, and then Jesus steps in and is the barrier between her and the things trying to tear her down?  And then Jesus stands up and all the sins fall -- Jesus breaks their bondage?  It's awesome --if  you haven't seen it, even if you have, look it up on youtube - it's called the everything skit.   Anyway, I know it'll still be a struggle, but that's what I feel like Jesus started to do for me.  He reminded me that it really isn't about me, and not like oh you shouldn't be thinking of yourself -- but reminded me that HE has bigger plans, and even though my little plans seem so great to me, HE alone is the lover of my soul, and He does love me.  He just.. comforts me.. I can't explain.  But here's the letters I read.

"My Princess Warrior
Faith is the only thing that will hold you together when the world around you seems to be falling apart.  I want you to learn to live your life fueled by faith; there is nothing too big for me to handle for you, My beloved.  I am your God who will move a mountain if it stands in the way of My will for you.  My power will be seen in your circumstance when you begin to believe I am who I say I am, and I will do as I promise.  You are Mine, and I hold in My hand all you will ever need.  I love you, but I cannot force you to live by faith - it is your choice.  Only you can make the decision to believe and experience the mighty works I want you to see.
Love,
Your King who has faith in you"

Bible References: 
"He replied, 'Because you have so little faith, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you.'" Matthew 17:20-21

"What is faith?  It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen.  It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Hebrews 11:1

"My Princess
You are not called to follow others, My beloved Warrior.  I have appointed you to lead them to Me.  Life will become a great adventure if you will step out to the front line and fight for those who are too weak to fight for themselves.  Don't look back on what you have lost; look forward to the great victories that are in front of you.  You don't have to hide behind your fears and insecurities any longer.  I can and will turn your pain into passion to change the world around you.  As you find your way to the front line, hide this truth in your heart: 'This fight is not just for you, it is for all those you dearly love.'
Love,
Your King who fights with you"

Bible References:
 "He will say to them, ' Listen to me, all you men of Israel!  Do not be afraid as you go out to fight your enemies today!  Do not lose heart or panice or tremble before them!" Deuteronomy 20:3

"Together they will be like mighty warriors in battle trampling their enemy into the mud of the streets.  They will fight because the LORD is with them, and they will put the enemy horsemen to shame." Zechariah 10:5 (TNIV)

Last but certainly not least.. The Lord used..

"My Princess
You are never alone on the battlefield, My beloved Warrior.  I would never expect you to handle this life alone.  That is why I sent My Holy Spirit to comfort you during combat.  When you are overwhelmed by the spiritual warfare around you, I want you to call My name and I will come to your rescure.  I will destroy the works of the enemy and carry you to a place of restoration.  I hear your heart's cry from heaven.  Not a single tear that has fallen down your cheek will be wasted.  Your heart poured out to Me will cleanse your soul and joy will be yours once again!
Love,
Your King who wipes away your tears"

Bible Refences:
"But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I prayed to my God for help.  He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears." Psalm 18:6

"He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21

Bah.. My sweet Jesus.  That's who loves me, that's who comforts me, that's who saves me. Speechless.

I am speechless.. because God is love.

blaaa.

another late night -- or should I say early monring -- blog.  I don't mean to sound complainy -- but frankly today stunk.  Had stuff on my mind all day.. didn't do much.. slept.. ate.. read some Bible.. watched TV and a movie.. tried to get into bed earlier-- but haven't been able to sleep and now my blood sugars going low so I have to stay up .. blaaa don't feel good. and I feel bad that I'm so .. weary.  Like my previous post said -- I should be rejoicing!  But I'm just too.. tired and bla.  Thankfully God is a God who will stay with me through my bad moods.  I love that song that says "I will be here when you feel like being quiet."  It's so true .. Thank Jesus that we can just curl up in Him even when we are complaining and not giving Him the praise He so deserves -- He still calls us to Him and wraps us in His arms.  "I'm restless, til I rest in You, O God" -- Audrey Assad, Restless.

I can curl up and cry to my Saviour because God is love.

complain, complain, REJOICE!

Bla... so I don't feel very well.  I had a rough day, and on top of that -- my poor little lungs are so tired.  I am constantly breathing SOO hard, I really could be Darth Vader -- but I'd have to be Darth Vaderette -- Luke, I am your mother... hahah anyway.. I'm coughing what seems like constantly, too.  I can feel my body getting tired, and everything is starting to frustrate me.  I went to class today, though.  Thanks to God, of course.  I walked in and one of the girls who sits in front of me was like "Are you ok..." and then the teacher got nervous and came over to me and asked if I was all right, and told me not to push it, that if I needed to, I could leave anytime.  God seriously blessed me an understanding professor!  I came home after, tried to eat something but barely could -- the coughing makes me feel like I've just done 205357 crunches, and nauscious (sp?).. After that, I took a 3 hour nap which was nice.  Woke up to lil Pip literally jumping all over me, and then Sprock wanted to snug.. on top of me -- he isn't the lightest little dog haha but I love them both.  I woke up and did my therapy.. which frustrated me to no end.  I know I'm supposed to cough, but lungs were literally tired before I started my therapy.. And then on top of that.. (if you have a weak stomache, skip this part cause it's gross.)  the therapy stirs up the mucus so you can cough it out, but sometimes I can't cough it out.. So I can just feel it like vibrating in my chest every time I breath in, and then I naturally try to cough it out cause I HATE that feeling .. blaaa .. I ate a little salad and a little chocolate afterwards.  Watched TV, read some Bible, and now came upstairs to sleep.. but I just don't feel well, so I can't sleep, hence I decided to blog.  But enough complaining!

Praise God!  He has surrounded me with Christ lovers to encourage me!  I can't tell you how much I needed the body of Christ last night, and today to help me through.  I thank God for them sooo much!  How nice of God too, that HE is all we need, but He understands how we feel, so although He's going through everything with us, He still gives us members of the body to lean on and give each other confirmation in our decisions.  Bahh.... And how awesome is He that He, Himself, encourages us with His Word.  Today .. I honestly felt, and still feel a little bit, like I just want to be done.  I emailed my docs, and one of them said to start antibiotics, and another treatment.. and I just felt soo... done.  Not defeated, but like I just wanted to give up.. I'm already on pills and treatments and the works.  New pills come with new problems... Antibiotics upset my stomache.  So maybe I'll breathe a little better, but my stomache kills.  I'm just trading in problems.  And the treatment -- I JUST came off.  If we keep using it as a rescue every single time, it's going to stop working.   I was done.  And then I read 1 Corinthians 1.  And Paul talks about how he's happy he only baptised a handful of people, so that no one can say they were baptised in Paul's name.. he goes on to say that his gift isn't for baptising, it's for preaching the Good News.  And God just used that.  My gift may be long suffering.  Am I going to just give up because it gets frustrating?  Let me say it again.  My GIFT may be long suffering.  Gift - not curse.  Am I weak in my gift?  Yes.  But in my weakness, Gods strength is made perfect.  Would I like a different gift? hahah perhaps... but THIS is what God has chosen for me for now, and I should rejoice in it!  Aren't we called to rejoice in our sufferings because we are relating to Christ's sufferings?  Yes!  And by far, Jesus suffered much more than I!  And He did it for me -- and still chooses to endure this suffering with me.  What an incredible God we serve.  As I'm typing this, I know it's not even fulling hitting me how great this is, and certainly itsn't hitting me how great Jesus is.. I can't wait til the day I fully see Him and grasp more of His Holiness.  And how nice too.. that I don't feel well, and I can't sleep, and God gives me this time to take my mind off of how I'm feeling this exact moment, and focus it instead on Him.  Makes me want to laugh, but that's just like God -- "He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21

I can rejoice in suffering because God is love.