supa supa supa long.

This is going to be long.. Just a heads up.  Also.. I've been in the hospital a week and a day.. so if you thought I was chatty and unorganized in my writings before... woohoooo this is going to rock your world. Pretty sure I'll be all over the place.

So last Monday night my parents and I were talking about me probably needing to go on IVs soon and I was going to call my doc Tuesday morning.  Tuesday morning I woke up feeling like I reallyyyy needed a breathing treatment, which has become the new norm.  Did the treatment, went back to sleep, woke up two hours later with low oxygen levels, kept turning to oxygen up, but couldn't sustain a good oxygen level, and our machine maxes out at 10 liters.. I was on 9.  So called the doc, packed, got the o2 tanks (my parents did everything basically except the me calling my doc part and picking out my clothes haha) and off we were.  I got admitted, started IVs. the usual hospital stuff.  The next day or a few days later (I have my days mixed up now) everything seemed to be ok, and by that I mean nothing to be immediately alarmed about in an emergency type way.  I was still needing a lot of oxygen, and wasn't really feeling better yet, but it usually takes about 5 days for me to turn around with the meds. Despite all this, I just felt like I couldn't breathe well.  I asked my mom to do therapy on a particular section of my chest because I felt like it was wheezy and I couldn't clear it.  Again, nothing too extreme here.  My oxygen levels were improving as long as I stayed on 10liters, my heart rate was high, but in my normal range, but I just felt like I couldn't breathe.  I had coughed up some blood, but I've done that before and altho it was more than I had coughed up before.. still nothing to freak out over, and I don't freak out easily anyway.. but I just really felt like it was hard to get a breath, and had to hyperventilate hardcore in order to breathe...

So ladies and gentlemen, this girl - who doesn't "freak out easily" - had her first legit panic attack.  Yep.. not fun.  We had done three nebs, and upped my steroids and oxygen, and I just couldn't get the breath in easier, hence bringing on a panic attack.  They gave me Xanax!  Actually.. I requested it lol never ever had that stuff before but figured if it worked like Percocet, I'd like it.  Disclaimer - I'm really not a druggy.  Anyway, it worked a little I guess, but it didn't really do very much or accomplish what I was hoping. After that episode of breathing/anxiety, I seemed to be ok.  The docs told me I was allowed to walk the halls early morning, or at night (which for anyone who knows me, that means at night haha) so that I don't come in contact with any other patients.  My mom and I went for a walk that night.  Lots of heavy breathing, but I did it, and it wasn't awful by any means.  We get back to the room and I'm in a good mood from walking and have some energy, so naturally my parents and I decide to play the best game ever -- boggle.  As we're playing I had to go to the bathroom (i'm peeing like... well, what pees A LOT? insert that here.) and I coughed lightly, more like clearing my throat.. and coughed up lots of blood... and kept going.  Apparently I'd be prettayyy good in a vampire film -- hint hint in case Edward is suddenly single -- altho I am team Jacob, so maybe that'd be awkward... Anyway, earlier that day I had gotten a CT scan and it showed blood in my left lung, then this happened, and so I was brought down to ICU.  Apparently there are more than one ICUs, and I was in the least sick one.  Anyway, after I think two days? there I got moved back to a regular floor, praise God!

Now God is good all the time.. but in my selfishness, I don't always see it.. Here's where he starts to just lavish me.

I was SOOO happy to have the heart monitors off.. they aren't a big deal, but they drive me absolutely insane. I'm on the reg floor now, have NO heart monitors, am out of ICU.. all good things!  We go to our room, and I immediately forget all the ways in which God so clearly provided, and protected me this trip (and forever).  I'm nervous about the floor nurse touching my port and doing it incorrectly.  He comes in, knew just what he was doing.. in fact.. he's my favorite nurse thus far out of all my hospital stays!  The ONLY one I truly trust with it.  Moving on, after that, he says --" it's hot in here, if you want the temp changed, i'll call the techs."  Ok... hold on.. a little history.. we have NEVER gotten anyone to be able to change the room temp to be a comfortable temp for me in any of my stays here.  My dad even bought me a cute little pink fan this time because it gets SOO hot.  So we're figuring it'll be like every other time someone's offered that or we've complained... nothing ends up happening. WRONG.  TEN MINUTES later, a guy comes in.. 20 MINUTES later.. my room is bliss :] so nice and cool -- aka freezing for everyone else haha sorry mom and dad!  but it was SOO nice.  Then another nurse comes in and says we have to put the heart monitors back on because my heart rate is too high... NOT the end of the world here people.  I cried.  I had JUST gotten rid of my arch enemy heart monitor and now here comes the next.. and my heart rate really was within normal for me.  After some explaining, and the floor doc looking it up, it turned out that I didn't have to wear them because my history showed this was normal.  Then my dinner gets delivered and i'm listed as a diabetes diet -- this is kind of confusing, so bear with me .. I have diabetes, yes.  But since it's caused by CF -- it's not type 1 or type 2 - it has it's own classification, and I need as many calories, as much salt, and fat and bla bla bla as I can get because of the CF... so restricting my diet to a normal diabetes diet actually really hinders me.. ok.. again, not the end of the world and I'm totally up in arms, ready to fight.  Again, it gets worked out.  God brought me out of the ICU, protected, provided, (and so many other things seen and unseen), and I'm barely into the room and already forgetting all that!  But just like our merciful Jesus, he didn't get angry... He poured out more.  I was in my room a half an hour.. 30 MINUTES.. and God cooled my room, gave me a trustworthy nurse, fixed numerous misunderstandings.  Then to top it all off, my soul-sister from kindergarten and her boyfriend surprise visited me and brought me Crumbs cupcakes (still debating which ones are sweeter.. them or the cupcakes ;P) but seriously, they (the people, altho the cupcakes didn't hurt haha) were such a nice pick me up.. one that I didn't even know I needed, but the Lord did and put it on their hearts to come at that exact time. There's so much that God is doing, and it's just so ... bahhhh. 

So anyway, is this a best selling novel yet? No?  Just a novel then.  Anyway, yesterday I had another panic attack.  Coughed up some blood, but nothing that caused alarm, and it stopped.  But then I got a pain/tightness in the left side of my chest and felt veryyy breathy.  Sure enough my o2 levels were dropping a little -- still within an ok range, but it was interesting they were dropping from where they were when we hadn't changed how many liters I was getting.  Anyway, they did an EKG to make sure my heart was ok, and then they said they wanted me to take Xanax.  I cried. Again. I'm such a mush now!  I felt like they thought I was crazy, like oh well, whatever she thinks she's feeling is just her being anxious... I didn't want to take it because I didn't think it'd do anything anyway (OH and I forgot.. after the first dose that didn't do much, they gave me a higher dose right before ICU.. and I went completely loopy like I had just woken up from anesthesia -- I don't remember much but my mom tells me I was pretty..chatty haha) so I definitely wasn't taking a higher dose again.  Anyway, the docs came in and listened to my concerns and told me that wasn't the case at all!  I was embarrassed to tell anyone I was feeling that way, so I had just been telling God, but then when they asked.. I figured i'd tell them.  That was something else God did.. he gave me such reassurance through what they said, perfect timing, perfect words.  I am SO thankful for all the docs and their hearts.  Anyway, what they said was that when something is going on in the body, the rest of the body reacts and tenses and can cause more damage to whatever actually is going on.  With the Xanax, it relaxes the body to lessen the risk of causing more damage.  SO relieved about that.  (And if all else fails, I can just remind everyone that before they told me where the bleed in my left lung was, I told them where I thought it was based on how I was feeling even when all my levels were ok.. and it was exactly where I had said .. so that makes me feel better, too.  Not losing my mind people!  Or not completely, at least. :P)

This time, the Xanax worked.  I'm still debating if I liked it haha it did make me pretty woozy, and I slept most of it off, but it was SUCH nice sleep, and it relieved all my muscles that normally ache from working so hard to breathe.  My headache, and my shoulder knots, and my back... all just relaxed and I could get comfortable in any position.. sooo nice. 

Finally we are at today... WHICH HAS BEEN SO GOOD!  I woke up early, not feeling tired/weary.  We are starting to decrease my steroids, and I didn't have any hardcore shortness of breath episodes again, and no blood at all today.  I sat up in the chair for a few hours, had a good breakfast, and felt at ease with my IVs as my fav nurse was my nurse again today.  I even went for a walk!  YEP!  It wasn't that pleasant haha.. but I did it.  It's a really weird feeling to have your legs and body be so weak when just last week you were home walking around (minimally but still).  But what's even harder to grasp.. is that my legs/body aren't the problem.  They could have kept going.. But my lungs were just like nope.  It's my lungs that start to feel weird, and of course I breathe sooo heavily that Darth Vader has nothing on me.  But it's just weird. I know I've used "weird" way to much in these few sentences but that's the only way I can explain it.  Weird.  I'm trying to build my muscle and strength back in my body.. but my lungs aren't cooperating.  I keep trying to phrase it in a way that explains it... but I can't so I'll just stick with... weird.

BUT I didn't take as long to recover as I thought, and I'm proud that I did it.  AND my lungs did feel exercised after -- which I really like, even if the work for it is rough.  I guess I'm really starting to learn the meaning of being a fighter.  I love that song Fighter by .. Gym Class Heroes?  (sorry if i'm wrong!) -- Give me scars, give me pain, and they'll say of me this one's a fighter. -- And this isn't even the worst of it.  But I'm going through fighting.

And what I love about the fight especially... is the Lord fights for me. (Exodus 14:14)  And that even when I'm feeling like the fight is winning, He reminds me that "His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor His delight in the legs of the warrior,  The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love." (Psalm 147:10-11)

It's not my strength that keeps God delighting in me. It's not my fight that keeps him lovingly, yet defensively protecting me.  It's not my effort that makes the Lord eager to pour out his goodness on me, to bring me through, to lead me to rest..to lead me to victory.  It's his unfailing love.

The fight will end victoriously for me because God is love.