Not going to lie, the whole life-support time I was a little depressey. All I could do was sit and think , which is never a good thing for me, and every time something improved, or went well/smoothly.. there was always something else to come right after that was added to the trauma. I eventually started missing out on the blessings God gave me because I was already trying to brace myself for what bad was going to follow.. NOT the way God wants us to live.. and TOTALLY the way to get depressed -- fast.
I love how God's Spirit lives in me though, not through my own work, but through the grace and salvation of Jesus. He promised that a Counselor and Comforter would come be with us, and in those moments when I totally lost myself, His Spirit still clung to me and any smile, or hint of joy, was solely His Spirit shining through my darkness.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I handled everything relatively well considering the circumstances (again.. only bc of God), but after being on the 3 life supports for 11 days, I lost it. The 11th night, I just sobbed out to God like I never have and wonder if I ever will again. Remind you, I couldn't actually make any sounds because of the trach, even crying sounds and certainly couldn't speak -- but that night, I was so upset that there was such a pressure build up inside my body, you could hear me cry, and even hear my words to God.. At that point, I really was neutral about living or dying, I just needed God to do one or the other because I couldn't take it anymore. (not sure if i wrote about this already.. if i did.. my bad!) And i cried, and cried, and told God exactly how i felt -- I KNEW he could get me lungs, and i KNEW he could even just heal me right there... but he was choosing not to do either and I didn't know why. I didn't know why he was allowing me to need machines to support me, with seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel getting any nearer. God.. just do SOMETHING!
And that was one of the nights He spoke to my heart again.
So compassionately he said "Just a little while longer.. Just wait until the prayer meeting."
I wasn't thrilled with the answer, obviously, but how could I not calm down when his comfort is so peaceful, and loving, and indescribeable.
2 days later, my 13th day on life support, there was a prayer meeting at two different churches that sought out God and fervently prayed for my rescue, for my relief, for my new lungs. 4 hours after they finished praying, we got the first call for potential lungs.
I KNEW this was the night! It had to be! And surprisingly, I just relaxed and went to sleep while waiting to hear back if the lungs were a good match. But before I did, I had to meet an anesthesiologist (did i spell that correctly?), sign some consent forms, and talk to God. All I kept praying was "God, just like you brought the Israelites ALL the way through when you parted the Red Sea.. bring us ALL the way through tonight."
God put his armor on me that night. There were so many things worry about including a respone that the lungs aren't a good match for me, or arent good at all (which unfortunately is very common to hear on your first, second and sometimes even more calls for lungs), and yet he reminded me of the Israelites when they were being chased by Pharoah (again.. spelling?). God intended on parting that Red Sea and bringing them all to safety the WHOLE time! But they got distracted, took their focus off of the God who just triumphed and demolished their days of slavery, and instead panicked. THEY caused themselves unneccessary worry.. THEY made themselves miserable, and scared, and put THEMSELVES through a situation, and emotional draining, that never needed to occur because God was going to save them whether they worried or not.. but how much nicer would it be if they had trusted God rather than worried? (although I can totally see why they did haha) And that's what God was telling me and protecting me from on transplant night. "Don't even entertain the idea that you're not getting lungs tonight" and so I didn't. I just kept praying "Bring us all the way through.. bring us all the way through.."
It made me so aware that sometimes God's blessings amidst the storm are missed because I stop looking at him. He brought the peace and calmness and I traded it in to worry. But with transplant.. he reminded me -- THE WHOLE TIME he knew he was going to bring me all the way through. The whole time.. even in my doubt, even when it looked reallyyy grim to everyone, even when i wasn't nice to God, he was setting everything up for my rescue. Know that God is for you. And know that even amidst the storm, his blessings rain down harder.. but it's our choice whether to get soaked in blessings, or start to drown in wavey trials.. Which will you choose?
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. "Plans for good, and not for evil. Plans to give you a hope and a future. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you," says the LORD. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes." Jeremiah 29:11-14
God had a plan to give me hope, a future, an end to suffering, and a great restoration the whole time because God is love.
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