So... God is SO nice! Shocker, right? haha no but seriously -- I AM BREATHING! :D
We noticed that the xolair injections started to kick in at my last injection 4 weeks ago, but then I got a cold and that set me back a lot. My doc put me on IVs just for 5 days, and I've gotten 2 more doses of xolair since then (I get one every two weeks) and I am NOT coughing a lot, and I HAVE energy, and I can do stuff!!! It's so awesome! Yesterday I had a midterm and had to walk up stairs to get to the building it was in. Normally, I'd be needing oxygen and hardcore choking after that, but I walked up them fine! I was definitely breathing hard, but I didn't feel like I needed oxygen and I didn't cough!! Then last night, God was so nice to give me a creative costume idea (baby gaga hahah) and awesome friends (celeste and deej!) to go to a halloween party at a restaurant place in piscataway. It was so much fun, I won second place, and as we were leaving Celeste goes.. you havent coughed like all night. ITS SO GREAT!! And today, I didn't have to ask my parents for thousands of favors. I hate having to ask for soooo many things because I'm too tired or out of breath to do/get things myself. AND TODAY I DIDNT HAVE TO!!! UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS I WENT AND I'M OK!!!! BAHHH!!! :D Now obviously, I definitely still have CF hahah and it's still not great.. but boy what a change from it's been!!
Anyway, as I'm enjoying my day and thinking how awesome it is to actually get air when I take a breath, I thought -- did I even thank God yet? I was just like one of those lepers (idk how to spell that haha).. Anyway, in the Bible, Jesus heals a group of people suffering from leprosy and only one comes back to thank him. And I always thought wow, how ungrateful. But maybe they werent ungrateful.. Maybe they were just human, and in that human-ness, blinded by their own thoughts/ideas. In other words, they were selfish. I know this word usually means greedy, or other things, but selfishness is simply thinking of yourself before everything else, even before God. It's SOOOO easy, I'm finding out, to be so caught up in something, or the possibilities in front of you, that you forget to thank God for the gift right now. It's like someone gave you a million dollars, and you get so caught up with what you can buy, or invest in, or pay your debt or whatever, that you run away without even thanking the person who gave you the million dollars! How insane would that be?! God has given us much more than that --- he's offered and is still offering for those who havent accepted yet, eternal life. We are all going to live eternally, it just depends where. Eternity in life --- heaven, with streets of gold, praising God, no sickness or sadness. Or the alternitive. Agony, NO relief, pain, loneliness -- hell. But I just think it's so incredible, and I take it for granted SOOO MUCH that on top of that, which I don't fully understand, God still gives us relief on earth.. I still sin, he still forgives me and blesses me. And gives me BREATH!! I was praying the other day -- God please I just need relief. And He brings it. Relief... that word has never meant so much. And even things that we consider to be small blessings are great ones. So, tonight God is reminding me to be like the one leper who came back. He was thrilled and couldn't wait to go live his life now, but he knew that first, He should thank God. His priorities were straight. So now I'm passing that on to whoever reads this. Yes, God wants us to enjoy and delight in the blessings he gives us!! It gives him joy to give us these things! But let's joyfully thank him for the gifts. Don't get swept away in the excitement because the excitement can wait! And how much greater it will be to thank God first and then be able to celebrate and enjoy your blessings with him!
I can thank God for relief, breath and many blessings because God is love.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
...
Bla.. so I don't feel good. shocker. lol sorry to sound blaa. First things first. I want to thank everyone for their prayers, and encouragement! I always feel terrible when I say I don't feel well because I feel like I'm somehow letting you guys down. But the truth is that your prayers ARE heard, and your encouragement DOES boost me! So even when we don't see the results we wanted or expected, God is still moving.
Today my therapy kicked my butt. I couldn't even fully breathe in my nebulizers because I was choking so much that my mom even told me to take a break. But God is SO nice. I wanted to go to church, although now all my wants are kind of disappearing behind my fatigue --- sleep is definitely winning out over things --- anyway, I was so tired and not feeling well after my therapy, I was tempted to lay back down and sleep. But I kept praying God please.. because I knew that going to church would be good for me -- to be among other believers, and the presence of God -- THAT's what I need! And God helped me! He gave me the energy and motivation to get ready and go!
My oxygen has been low today, which is weird because I feel like my cold/allergies/whatever was making me normal-people sick, has gotten better. So as the sickness got better, my CF got worse? I don't know. I wore oxygen when I got home from church, and just felt blah. I didn't want anyone to ask how I was feeling today. Not because I'm upset about it, even though I am a little, but because it's my life now. That's practically the ONLY thing I talk about, and it's because it's the only thing I have to talk about. I go to school, and then come home. My life is now scheduled around my disease. It's dumb. And yet, I can't do much about that.
I cried at the doctors this past week. They asked how I was feeling and I just sobbed. I'm so done with having CF. And yet, I'm not. Obviously God has a plan for this. He wouldn't continue my suffering if it wouldn't somehow bring him glory. So since I'm still in this situation, it means the glory He will receive from it has not yet been completely fulfilled. So yes, I hate CF. I'm becoming very fed up with it. And yet, I still want it because I would not want to change God's plans. The days I am weak, he provides my strength. The days that I am frustrated, he lets me vent to him. The days that I can't even vent because I'm so done, he just sits with me. My God is SO nice.
He's also teaching me to be less vain. I don't exactly like the way I look anymore. My face has gotten huge, and I'm getting a hump on the back on my neck -- no, I lied. Not getting -- I have one. I feel like the hunchback of notredamn's little cousin or something. It's not HUGE, but it's huge to me. I can feel it just sitting there, and I can only put my head back so far now.. But what bothers me most is that OTHER people can see it. OTHER people can see my huge face and hump. Where is my fear? Why am I having such a fear of man rather than God? Ah.. seems to me like all those prayers where I asked God to open my eyes are slowly, and gently being answered. And how sweet of God to gently answer that prayer. He knows that ultimately my looks mean NOTHING -- but he knows that to me, they definitely have a significance. So he eases me into learning. He protects my feelings and heart as he teaches me. Thank you, Jesus <3
Enough complaining..
You know in the movies there's the hero? You can picture him with his sword at his side, ready for battle, standing tall, arms to fight and yet protect. That's God. He IS the knight in shining armor. He IS the protection you can just cradle into. And I love it. I love how he really is more than enough. <3
This suffering will not last a second more than it needs to because God is love.
Today my therapy kicked my butt. I couldn't even fully breathe in my nebulizers because I was choking so much that my mom even told me to take a break. But God is SO nice. I wanted to go to church, although now all my wants are kind of disappearing behind my fatigue --- sleep is definitely winning out over things --- anyway, I was so tired and not feeling well after my therapy, I was tempted to lay back down and sleep. But I kept praying God please.. because I knew that going to church would be good for me -- to be among other believers, and the presence of God -- THAT's what I need! And God helped me! He gave me the energy and motivation to get ready and go!
My oxygen has been low today, which is weird because I feel like my cold/allergies/whatever was making me normal-people sick, has gotten better. So as the sickness got better, my CF got worse? I don't know. I wore oxygen when I got home from church, and just felt blah. I didn't want anyone to ask how I was feeling today. Not because I'm upset about it, even though I am a little, but because it's my life now. That's practically the ONLY thing I talk about, and it's because it's the only thing I have to talk about. I go to school, and then come home. My life is now scheduled around my disease. It's dumb. And yet, I can't do much about that.
I cried at the doctors this past week. They asked how I was feeling and I just sobbed. I'm so done with having CF. And yet, I'm not. Obviously God has a plan for this. He wouldn't continue my suffering if it wouldn't somehow bring him glory. So since I'm still in this situation, it means the glory He will receive from it has not yet been completely fulfilled. So yes, I hate CF. I'm becoming very fed up with it. And yet, I still want it because I would not want to change God's plans. The days I am weak, he provides my strength. The days that I am frustrated, he lets me vent to him. The days that I can't even vent because I'm so done, he just sits with me. My God is SO nice.
He's also teaching me to be less vain. I don't exactly like the way I look anymore. My face has gotten huge, and I'm getting a hump on the back on my neck -- no, I lied. Not getting -- I have one. I feel like the hunchback of notredamn's little cousin or something. It's not HUGE, but it's huge to me. I can feel it just sitting there, and I can only put my head back so far now.. But what bothers me most is that OTHER people can see it. OTHER people can see my huge face and hump. Where is my fear? Why am I having such a fear of man rather than God? Ah.. seems to me like all those prayers where I asked God to open my eyes are slowly, and gently being answered. And how sweet of God to gently answer that prayer. He knows that ultimately my looks mean NOTHING -- but he knows that to me, they definitely have a significance. So he eases me into learning. He protects my feelings and heart as he teaches me. Thank you, Jesus <3
Enough complaining..
You know in the movies there's the hero? You can picture him with his sword at his side, ready for battle, standing tall, arms to fight and yet protect. That's God. He IS the knight in shining armor. He IS the protection you can just cradle into. And I love it. I love how he really is more than enough. <3
This suffering will not last a second more than it needs to because God is love.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
crazy long poem.
"Take out your pen and paper", my professor said.
"Finish this sentence with as many things that come into your head."
The chalk glided across the board as we waited to see
Just what the tough sentence to finish would be.
We smiled when the words finally made their debut,
Complete "I am..." with what you perceive to be true.
It started off easy, I am born again.
Redeemed and saved, Jesus calls me his friend.
I am short certainly wasn't a surprise
Hopefully my light for God is as obvious as my size.
The list went on, our goal was to write at least 15 decriptions
Trying to be true to what we thought was an honest depicton
I found myself writing words that described my own war
Bringing revelation, which is exactly what this exercise is for.
I am a fighter. I am strong by the Spirit.
O God, give me direction, and ears to hear it.
I am perseverent. I will not give up.
O God, restore me when I want to, keep refilling my cup.
I am smart. I won't let my mind go to waste.
O God, only You keep me sound, come to my rescue with haste.
I am tired. My body doesn't work as it should.
O God, relieve me of my sadness, remind me You use this for good.
I am frustrated. In my lack of physical ability, I feel lazy.
O God, remind me of how you work in stillness; how there's purpose to even lillies and daisies.
I am joyful. My Jesus ransomed me!
He conquered death, and set me free!
I am blessed. I have everything I need.
And yet, I still can't wait until that day
When Jesus finally says "breathe."
How does a normal breath even feel?
I'd imagine too good to even be real.
That day when God says, "This trial is over. It's achieved my glory.
Now go breathe. My daughter, there's still more to this story."
"Run, dance and praise as you so desperately desire."
Lord, let me not forget who You are, but always lift you higher.
Forgive me for the "I ams" that don't reflect you
Forgive me for my selfishness that ignores a kingdom view.
But God, I just can't get this off of my mind.
I am so many things, not just one word can define.
Whether through miracles, medicines, or transplants,
you provide everything I'll be needing
So that one day I can fill in the blank...
I am... breathing.
I will breathe easily one day because God is love. <3
"Finish this sentence with as many things that come into your head."
The chalk glided across the board as we waited to see
Just what the tough sentence to finish would be.
We smiled when the words finally made their debut,
Complete "I am..." with what you perceive to be true.
It started off easy, I am born again.
Redeemed and saved, Jesus calls me his friend.
I am short certainly wasn't a surprise
Hopefully my light for God is as obvious as my size.
The list went on, our goal was to write at least 15 decriptions
Trying to be true to what we thought was an honest depicton
I found myself writing words that described my own war
Bringing revelation, which is exactly what this exercise is for.
I am a fighter. I am strong by the Spirit.
O God, give me direction, and ears to hear it.
I am perseverent. I will not give up.
O God, restore me when I want to, keep refilling my cup.
I am smart. I won't let my mind go to waste.
O God, only You keep me sound, come to my rescue with haste.
I am tired. My body doesn't work as it should.
O God, relieve me of my sadness, remind me You use this for good.
I am frustrated. In my lack of physical ability, I feel lazy.
O God, remind me of how you work in stillness; how there's purpose to even lillies and daisies.
I am joyful. My Jesus ransomed me!
He conquered death, and set me free!
I am blessed. I have everything I need.
And yet, I still can't wait until that day
When Jesus finally says "breathe."
How does a normal breath even feel?
I'd imagine too good to even be real.
That day when God says, "This trial is over. It's achieved my glory.
Now go breathe. My daughter, there's still more to this story."
"Run, dance and praise as you so desperately desire."
Lord, let me not forget who You are, but always lift you higher.
Forgive me for the "I ams" that don't reflect you
Forgive me for my selfishness that ignores a kingdom view.
But God, I just can't get this off of my mind.
I am so many things, not just one word can define.
Whether through miracles, medicines, or transplants,
you provide everything I'll be needing
So that one day I can fill in the blank...
I am... breathing.
I will breathe easily one day because God is love. <3
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