Sunday, January 22, 2012

Speaking to my heart

Hello! Pretty uneventful week physically for normal people lol but it was pretty busy for me.  Had a docs app on Wed - got my injection!  Thursday I went to get bons with Dani -- LOVE her !  AND after we got cinnabons, I went to the post office, and walgreens!  And I was ok!  I know it sounds silly since those places aren't big trips, but it was a lot for me, and although I was tired after, it was a good tired.  I also made a lot of phone calls that day, too.  I felt soooo accomplished!  I LOVE actually doing stuff!  Friday I was wiped.  I haven't been sleeping great cause my rib, but Friday night was particularly sleepless.  I didn't get to sleep until 6am, and then woke up at 9am for church.  BUT this is the part I love...

You know when you can't sleep, and you get soo frustrated?  Or is that just me? Haha regardless, I was NOT frustrated!  I just layed in my bed and chatted with God... it was so nice.  So peaceful and calm.  LOVE him!

Anyway, church Saturday was really good as usual, however, I might have been a little delirious from sleep deprivation hahah my friend and I were belting out oldies songs after church! haha!  Later that day, Vicky and Juju came over, too.  Love them!  Which reminds me... if you follow me on facebook, I did NOT mean to type Proverbs 28:17 as my status!  Not disregarding it because everything in the Bible is important haha but murderers and their convictions were not on my mind!  HAHA!!  What I meant to type was...

Proverbs 23:18
    "You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed." NLT

What God caught me with about this verse is the second part.. "your hope will not be disappointed".  So many times I feel like surrending to God's will somehow hinders my hopes and dreams.  The devil sneaks that little lie in telling me that giving my all to Jesus means giving up my heart's desires, which Scripture tells me isn't true.  In fact, God says that when we delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).  There are so many things in life, finances or jobs or health issues that try to make me think I need to get up and steer my own boat instead of letting God be in control.  And what does that even mean?  Everyone always says "Oh, just let God take control."  Ok... what does that mean on my part?  Do I sit back and not do anything?  I can't just turn my brain off.. I wish I could give a formula to follow this seemingly easy instruction on giving up control.  I can't, obviously.  But this week God has impressed me, yet again, and so if I had a formula, it'd look like this:

                                 1) Take a breath (hahah :P)
                          2)  Remember that God is GOD!  We can't comprehend that.  He's
                               ALREADY figured out everything, don't worry.
                          3)  Talk with Him, a lot.
                          4) LISTEN!  A conversation is NOT just one way.  It would be awesome
                           to audibly hear God, and it's the greatest when he speaks to your heart,
                              but don't disregard the Bible.  The Bible is part of the conversation. 
                              When you talk, you use words right?  God already prepared his words
                              for you in the Bible.  Open it up and see! (Especially when you don't
                              feel like it! haaha that's a biggy for me)
                           5) Remember.. "your hope will not be disappointed."

I know it sounds so simple.. But God just really touches my heart with that.  Tonight I was at a table with a friend and someone we'd just met.  I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation and didn't really know what they were talking about some of the time because my life revolves around my health now.  As I sat listening, before the devil could even take his shot at me, Jesus reminded me "your hope will not be disappointed".  It's ok that I don't have an interesting life right now.  My future hopes are still standing.  It's ok that I feel tired right now, my hopes are still awaiting me.  It's just so .. nice of God.  He keeps his promises and holds my hopes so dear to him that he promises that they won't be disappointed.  Now, that may mean that they are fulfilled differently than I thought, or that he'll change those hopes.  For example, I have never said "Man, I hope I get a lung transplant!" ... but how many times have I asked God for breath?  How many times I have I prayed "Lord, I just want to breathe."  And here comes the possibility of transplant -- a way for me to breathe -- a hope not disappointed.

My hopes are on my Saviour's mind, because God is love.

Friday, January 13, 2012

me? a farmer?

Hello! So this week lots was going on.  First off, I wasn't feeling well, but let's skip over that part haha.  On to the important stuff - I had pre-transplant testing and meetings.  Now I just want to make this as clear as possible -- my lungs are NOT so bad that I need a transplant NOW, however, they seem to be on the slide in that direction, hence why I'm doing PRE-transplant stuff -- to be prepared if and when that day comes that I do need a transplant.  With that said, the testing I had to do was to determine my "score" -- how badly I need a transplant, and whether I get accepted into the program as a good candidate for lung transplant or not.  The tests were all pretty normal or easy.  It wasn't easy to do pulmonary function tests (did that in November), but it was a normal test.  The ABG wasn't normal for me, but easy -- I just sat there praying while they took blood from my artery.  I also had to get a ct scan and a UGI -- which were both easy and somewhat normal.  What worried me the most was the right heart cath test.  (Warning: if you get queezy easily, don't read this part.)  They insert a cathiter from near your leg area and push it up into your right heart.  My friend Nicole is also getting a lung transplant, but she's ready for hers right now (Pray for her, please!), so she's gone through all the testing already and really helped me out by telling me what it was like.  That REALLY took a lot of pressure off me, and I only felt a little bit worried as the testing date approached.  

Before the day of the right heart cath, I did the UGI and ct scan, and spoke with the financial rep, nutritionist, psychiatrist, and surgeon.  While we were speaking with the surgeon, we were talking about my port, and it came up how I have a "vegetation" on my port.  Remember when I was in the hospital and they thought it was a blood clot?  Praise God it wasn't!  So folks, it turns out I'm a farmer and making vegetations!  haha but apparently my home made vegetation is a little more problematic than we thought.  The surgeon said to absolutely speak with the cardiologist that was going to do the procedure BEFORE they go in.  So... by the grace of God, the people actually called me!  HAHA I didn't even get a chance to call them, God had them call me first!  I told Mario, the man who called (by the way, if you're reading this Mario, which I doubt you are but still.. you have a reallyyyyy nice phone voice!) about the tissue on the port and he reviewed my ct scans and said he'd speak with the cardiologist and call me back.  He called back with his apologies saying the cardiologist has postponed the procedure because they are afraid the procedure would dislodge the vegetation and give me a heart attack, or stroke!  REALLY don't want that!  I was so happy I didn't have to get it done, and God gave me the thoughts of how he took care of me in the hospital with it.  His hands are all over the little farm in my heart and the peace that only comes from God was comforting me. 

It was a little nerve racking to think that I needed to get a test done for the transplant evaluation, and I couldn't because it could kill me.  What do we do?  God thankfully blocked me from thinking that.  All I thought as soon as my mind would venture there was, "He's got it covered."  Thank you, Lord!

My mom was really worried about it, even though she didn't tell us that until today.  Today we met with my transplant pulmonologist, who unfortunately is leaving her position to go into a different field.  She was AWESOME, like for real, and a huge blessing!  Anyway, we met with her today which I had been looking forward to all week haha and when she came in the room, the first things she said were about the right heart cath.  She said that they are wavering that test for me, and that they've done that in the past, because they aren't going to risk my life to get this test done.  THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!  She also said my case is being presented this coming Friday (a week from today)!  Pray for that please! 

We were all relieved that I don't have to do the test, and that it's not a hindrance in moving forward in the transplant stuff.  However, when I do get the transplant (again, not getting it now), they'd like to take the port out the same surgery because it can harbor bacteria from CF, and ya don't want new lungs exposed to that.  BUT if they vegetation is there, they can't take out the port because that would definitely dislodge it.  They said I might need some kind of surgery where they go into the heart and remove it, but that it's a big surgery and they would not do that the same time as the lung transplant.  So.. here's the prayer request prayer warriors -- that HIS will be done!! Of course, I would really like if that means that he dissolves this "vegetation" and that the next time I get a scan to see if it's there, it wouldn't be and the docs would be astonished!  And I know he can do that!  I prayed it wasn't a blood clot, and the next thing I know, it's not!  But... like I said before -- God gave me that comfort that HE's got this.. So if it's His will that He make it disappear, that's what I'll pray for.  If he's got something else in mind, that's what I'll pray for.  Also.. please pray for me to stay strong and faithful in being His servant in this.  Thanks everyone!!

Also, I just have to say how I LOOOVEEE how God lifts me up.  The name of Jesus is powerful!  I was having a miserableeee day yesterday.  Horrible, horrible mood, and not breathing well or feeling well at all.  And in that bad mood, and not feeling well, I slacked on my duty of being his servant.  I was angry at everyone, had road rage (evn though I wasn't the one who was driving haha), etc.  I was so sorry that in this trial, I didn't seek his face, but instead complained and got angry.  And yet, today, he still lifted me up, and helped me remember my priorities and my joy, and still remained my Protector <3 bahhh Jesus <3

Oh!  and how nice is it that this risky clump of tissue on my port actually saved me from having to do the procedure I was scared of?! Is that Romans 8:28 or what?! "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."  BAHH! If THAT's not working everything together for the good, I don't know what is!

Jesus even uses my "vegetations" to help me because God is love.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

not my usual happy entry.

 Sometimes God's will doesn't involve the plans you think are best.  When that happens, to be frank, it stinks... a lot.  Thankfully, we are assured that HIS plan really is best, even while we're still going through the heartache of his grace being sufficient instead of our own plans being fulfilled.. which is weird because we shouldn't be feeling heartache, but joy.  How awesome is it that God is SO great that just His grace is completely sufficient for us?  Still... our minds trick us into thinking that our plans could be better, and it's disappointing (GOD IS NOT DISAPPOINTING, just the circumstances are disappointing.)  I love how the Word always offers a hope, too.  " 'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord." Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that HE knows his plans.  Well.. maybe I should stop being so vague and just tell what's going on.

I want to be healed.  I want one of those Acts miracles in my CF.  To breathe like I never have before, to have new and working lungs -- without having a transplant.  Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO thankful that God has provided transplant as a possible treatment for me.  Really.  Cancer patients can't get transplants, and I feel so terrible that they can't turn to that if they need it.  But... I don't want to be so incredibly immune suppressant (sp?) the rest of my life.  If I'm breathing, I want to be serving.  And the way I long to serve, I wouldn't be able to do because of my lack of immunity.  I want to go on mission trips.  And I know, I can be a missionary here.  But I want to go help build a home, or a church, or wells or something.  I want to go into hospitals and pray over sick people.  I want to nurse people, and help them.  I semi-know what they're going through with IVs and all, and I know what hurts and what doesn't, and the anxiety related with everything, and the way to reduce said anxiety.  I want to help the sick, not be the sick.

I've prayed before that I would be completely healed.  I think I've prayed it wholeheartedly, totally expecting, like twice.  Which is terrible because we are supposed to pray with expectation every time we pray.  But it's almost like I'm not letting my guard down for it since God's answer was not right now the past times.  Anyway, I prayed it last night.  It was on my mind, and I tried my hardest to pray with the most expectation that I could.  And I did.  I fully expected to stand up after that prayer and walk out of my room with my new supernatural gift of breathing from Christ.  I started to fantasize about what it'd be like.  What would my reaction be?  Would I jump and dance, now being able to with this new energy and breath?  Would I just cry?  Would I fall down in worship?  Would I run out of my room and call my doctor?  How awesome would it be to call my doctor and ask for an x-ray because I don't have CF anymore.  She'd look at my last x-ray showing damaged, dysfunctional lungs, and then see this new x-ray with healthy beyond healthy lungs.  How cool!  But.. God's answer, like it was to Paul, was that his grace is sufficient for me.  And that maybe, even though that's how I feel like I'd be serving (missions, nursing, etc) He wants me in a different mission field.  So that's where I'm at right now.  Trying to pray not to be healed, but instead for him to show me what he wants me to do.  Trying to sincerely pray for his will, not mine.  It's really hard.  I can feel myself almost in a purposely apathetic mood because I don't want to be upset about it.  Thank God for his love and grace that is holding onto me.  I think it's so nice that I don't even want to like... face God... at the moment and he's just patiently waiting for me.  It's not that I'm angry, I'm just still accepting his answer.  So please pray for me, and please no one get the wrong idea here about God.  God's plans are way better than I could even think -- remember the 31%?!  He ALWAYS outdoes me!  But, there's a time for everything, and this isn't my time to be healed yet. 

He's SO nice, too, because I am breathing better.  The past 2 weeks I've had easier breaths, and more energy.  Like significantly noticeable.  I don't have to do my therapy the very second I wake up just to breathe.  I still have to do it, of course, but it's nice not to struggle so hard from the second I open my eyes.

Anyway, I felt like I should write about this.. and I didn't really want to.  I started off the blog saying - this is going to be short.-- And typed not even a paragraph, but then God reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 -- and he used this entry, that I didn't want to type and wasn't going to expand on, to comfort me.  Thanks Jesus <3

So.. please pray for me that I would have a heart for whatever Jesus wants me to, and to be able to serve in an environment that's safe and fulfilling. And that I would love God more.  Thanks everyone and happy new year!

P.S. sorry if this was like.. a downer.

My God has bigger plans because God is love.