The Lord loves me even though I'm so oblivious...

Hellooo! Long time no blog, sorry about that. Transplant and revelations about it are always on my mind... I can't help it.  Tonight my revelation was that God loves me even though I'm soooo oblivious lol

The desire and prayer of my heart throughout my life was (and still is) "Lord, show me your glory"

After getting transplanted blessings have just been flooding my life. It's completely wonderful and completely overwhelming all at the same time. My life is filled with dreams that I had nixed off long ago.  As my death sentence became more and more real, I stopped having dreams for the future. (I often refer to Casting Crowns' "Let Me Dream for You" song to explain this better - look it up.. not only is it sooo good.. it's SOOO true!). Life is more incredible than I could ever have dreamt it to be.  I wasn't restored, things aren't back to normal, and I don't feel "good". God made my life like I have never, ever known it.  My health is better than it has ever been.  I dont have to struggle, work, or think about breathing.  Life isn't normal.  I no longer have to do hours of breathing treatments and chest therapy that I had been doing since I was 5 months old, I don't have to have a "feeding tube" in my stomach because of being malnourished, and I don't have to sleep sitting up, do IVs, or have anymore broken ribs.  I don't feel good... I feel AMAZING. 

So many blessings, and so many of God's promises were brought to fruition through transplant and I don't even know about all of them, or all the work God did in the unseen to orchestrate everything that He did.

I know I've said that a million and a half times.. but here's where I'm going with it this time ----->>>>

My lungs failed.. My life support had stopped working properly a couple of times.. I was in pain even my nightmares couldn't dream up.. I was ready -- even asking God why he was keeping in this state and not just letting me die...

I didn't realize it then.. but as strong and visible as death was, Jesus had already claimed that hospital room to be filled with His Glory.  And just when the hand of death was ready to strike, the Lord put up his shield of protection and came "like a flash of lightning" letting death and everyone else know that He was in the battle from the beginning and He was NOT backing down now.  

The LORD will FIGHT for you, you need only to be still -Exodus 14:14

So tonight I'm listening to Third Day's "Show Me Your Glory" and thinking back about all of this. I can still remember like it was just yesterday asking him why he was making me endure all that was happening. But unlike when it was happening, I can hear his soft and compassionate voice answering my heart's plea...

"Because I'm showing you My Glory."

The Lord is true to his promises no matter what storm we are in.  Although it may seem impossible to keep fighting through the storm, remember.. Jesus still has control of storms, and He himself FIGHTS for you.  But most importantly... The Lord holds true to his promises.

My heart's desire was to see His Glory.. And he held true to his promise.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". Psalm 37:4

God gave me my hearts desire because God is love.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_e3aJLRsdc    (<<--- Third Day youtube video for "Show Me Your Glory")

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8nsJZx8eWw (<<--- Casting Crowns youtube video for "Dream for You")

What's my name again?

Hello again! Today, ladies and gentlemen, we will be talking about one of the most common questions that gets asked everyday: what's your name?

Names hold more value than we give them credit for. Most parents take a lot of time and effort deciding what to name their child.  Heck, it took me a week just to name my dog!   But a name holds a special importance.. Baby name dictionaries give meanings for this name and that name, being named after a relative is a high honor, and some names even are believed to shape a person's personality!  

I like my name a lot and frankly, without tooting my own horn here, I feel it matches who I've been my whole life.  Emily; hard worker.  (P.S. I totally recommend looking up your name, too!  Although it's kinda besides the actual point of this post, it's still really fun!)

As I've mentioned a bunch of times now, post transplant life presents new and very different issues than I'm used to dealing with.

Example: Pre transplant, when I didn't like someone or didn't want to talk to someone, I had an excuse not to because I couldn't really breathe to talk anyway, and I was so super tired all the time that no one minded when I'd just walk away, or lay down in the middle of them talking.  (Of course this had its downfalls because the people I REALLY did want to talk to got the same treatment.  I bet you're wondering which category you fell under, aren't you? :P) Being so hindered in communicating with others kind of left me in a state of hazy awkwardness when I could breathe.  Not breathing conditioned me into behaving a certain way socially, but breathing brought different expectations and a land in which I had forgotten many of the cultural rules.  This culture shock brings about many other difficulties like gossip, attitudes and exaggerating situations.. all of which I do NOT want in my life, let alone in my personality.

Anyway, so I'm post transplant 1 year, 1 month and 24.5 days.  I am 24, soon to be 25 (woohoo!) years old, and I know my name.  Or do I?

Being so firm in the LORD while waiting for lungs in my protected little bubble was much easier than standing firm in the LORD in such a complex world.  There was not much to distract me when I lived on my couch, but now... there's everything.  Serious props the the normies out there for living in such a distracting world their whole lives. 

The person I am today is a lot different than the person who lived in that bubble for so long, and that's both a good and bad thing.  But I get to make decisions on more than just my vent settings now.. Decisions about a life I never thought I'd have - a life of abundance that I had given up on, but God didn't.  

All these distractions, all these decisions, just the fact that I'm different than before all make knowing who I am harder.  What are truly my interests?  What do I like now?  How do I react to things? How do I represent Christ? Is this ok or not ok?  Exploring who I really am now is quite a tedious task!  And I won't lie, it's scary but intriguing to try to figure out who you are. 

And I'm failing.  BUT, I'm not fretting.

God knows my real name.  In fact, God is the one who gave me my real name -- I just don't know what it is yet.  See, when people went and committed their lives to following Christ, God gave them new names.  The disciple Peter's given, earthly name was Simon.  It was God who gave him his real name.  The same goes for Paul; his original name was Saul. God changed their hearts, and then changed their names.  

I don't know what my real name is and frankly, I don't need to right now because during a time of thinking about who I truly am -- God pointed it out to me.. not my name, but who I am.

I am HIS.  And in any trial, in any identity crisis, in any particularly distracting day, that will remain constant.  I am always his.  

I do follow Jesus, he has changed my heart and so I know he has a name for me... 

but I don't need to worry or stress over what my name is...

 because I know what HIS name is. Jesus <3

So... what's your name?  But more importantly, do you know His?

Jesus knows our names - both spiritual and earthly - and he invites us to know His because God is love.

Remember when...

For some reason today I remember one particular day on life support.  I usually loved sitting up (because laying back made me feel like I reallyyyy couldnt breathe - sitting up made me FEEL like i could breathe better.. even though I really wasn't breathing very much either way) so I would do anything and everything to get to sit up which usually meant the reward for doing my physical therapy was getting to sit up for a little bit.  Sounds simple enough, but what physical therapy really meant was: sitting up, taking a million years to have all my wires and IVs and whatever else I was attached to untangled so I could use every last ounce of strength in me to scoot to the side of a bed way to big for me, have my vent switched from a big vent machine to a portable vent machine (which I hated doing), coughing and gasping and then some minor procedures that went along with that (don't wanna gross anyone out) while an ECMO (the main life support) specialist held my blood in two garden hoses the came out of my neck at a very particular angle above my head and moved in accordance with me as if we were siamese twins as an ICU nurse worked to find the correct vent settings to make me comfortable... then hopping/sliding/really basically falling with confidence off of the bed to have some people hold me up while my knuckles went white as I grasped the handles of a walker.  I tried with all my might to will some kind of strength into my legs to shuffle out of my room and down the hall.. but all I had left was weakness.  Just as usual though, God reminded me of his perfect Word and perfect will.  

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"  

And man, am I thankful for his power in my weakness because I REALLY REALLY wanted to sit up.  

This wasn't one day.  It was an infinity... Ok, ok it was actually 12 days if you're counting literally... but some infinities are bigger than other infinities, right?  (Major points to you if you get that reference from my favorite book and author :P) Anyway, because I worked SO hard any time I could just to get to sit up, my mom knew it was a particularly rough day when I said I didn't want to.  I mean, sure... I complained about it everyday but I secretly looked forward to it for the reward after.  But this day..  I was just a grouch, or at least I felt like one.  I don't really know how much of a grouch one can be when they can't talk or do anything, but I can guarantee.. if anyone could pull off grouchy while it's impossible -- it's me.  But.. we went through all the motions yet again, and God remained faithful even while I was ungrateful, to give me strength in my weakness, and just like the day before and just what would happen the day after... I got up and walked. And I got to sit in my chair.  

But I wasn't that happy about it.  And my mom could tell. So she decided to make that day different.  See, while I was doing everything I could to stay alive, to walk, to get to sit up... My mom was doing EVERYTHING she could to encourage, comfort, and support me in any way possible.  And during that whole routine of physical therapy... My mom stood out in the hallway (because there wasn't any space left in my room with all the people it took to get me up) singing the Rocky theme song to me.  She'd cheer and clap as soon as I stood.  She'd yell my name like I was a rockstar and she was my biggest fan at the VIP door.. She didn't care who laughed, who walked by or what looks she may have gotten... because her enthusiasm and love was so strong that she ultimately got the physical therapy staff and ICU nurses dancing and cheering in the hall with her.. My mom, ladies and gentlemen, was an encourager, and that day, if none other, she most certainly encouraged me.  

She grabbed a basin, filled it with nice, hot water, and decided it was a pedicure day.  I sat in my chair as she washed and massaged my feet, and then painted my toe nails.  She read from a magazine, and then our friend Patti read some Scripture as I just sat there.  But God didn't just give me a beyond belief wonderful mother, he also threw in another gift.  See, I'm tiny, obviously... so my life support was pretty cramped inside my little body.. so cramped that it would actually start malfunctioning if I sat up for too long instead of being stretched out as I am while laying flat on my back.  It was always a disappointment (and uncomfortable) when I could feel my ECMO start "chugging" and I'd have to be put back in my bed to lay in the same position yet again while praying that life support would start working correctly.  Soon, it became a habit to nervously wait while I was sitting in my chair, just expecting it to start chugging any minute... But that day... it didn't for a looong time. It's probably the longest I was able to sit up and enjoy it before having to go back to bed. 

So I'm sitting here... Just thinking about that day which is as clear in mind as if it was happening right now... And I'm just in awe that someone could exhibit Christ's love so clearly and so abundantly.. (even down to literally washing my feet :P) and I'm so thankful that the someone who so reflects Christ is my mom.  And I'm beyond grateful that God's plans are so much bigger than I can imagine... that he didn't stop there but continued to bless me (and still continues!).. Life support was a storm like no other.. it's never poured so hard in my entire life... but there's something I just didn't realize about everything then:

All that rain was really showers of blessings... because God is love.

Just call me Optimus Prime

It's 3:30am exactly as I start typing this.  In about 2 hours, 6 months ago, my family was coming in to see me after have finally having received my lungs. I know I've written a lot about the journey, but I honestly can't explain through words the treacherous fight it was to get to that point.  The past 8 years have been constant suffering health wise, and yet, in that suffering, God poured blessing upon blessing, and never ever gave me any reason to lose hope, or joy in him.  What an incredible God we serve.

6 Months... It feels like everything just happened yesterday, and yet feels like it's been this way forever at the same time.  Although my bones are still healing from surgery, I have no pain or aching. I breathe as if this is what I've done my entire life, and although I can remember how it was like to breathe before, and I remember ECMO everyday, when I'm dancing, or play wrestling, or doing whatever I do now, my best friend says "Sometimes I forget how it was before." And even though I remember, sometimes I forget, too.  This life is so good, and so much more than I ever even imagined. 

I'm dancing again.  I'm working again.  But it's better than before.  I don't have to calculate thinking about breathing into my picture.. it just happens.  I don't have to stop and take breaks because I'm so breathless, or pop some percocets because I have numerous ribs cracking at a time from coughing so hard.  I can walk and talk at the same time.  And just to toot my own horn here for a second, turns out without having to do 2 hours of breathing treatments and therapy when I wake up, I can get ready in 10 minutes!

And guess what else?  I joined a gym!   My stomach tube which I relied on to sustain my life is no longer needed, and out!  I don't have ANY medical apparatus in me!  Sometimes when I'm wearing my headphones, I have to just smile that the cords are for something I enjoy, not something that's keeping me alive (although, I'm not sure I'd be able to survive without music.. :P)

It's now 3:30am.. I just finished my homework.. (well kind of.. still have one more class' work, and a thesis to write.. but got A LOT accomplished tonight!) I'M A FULL TIME COLLEGE STUDENT for the first time in my life!  Who would ever think I'd be able to type that sentence?!  I'm talking about homework, and thesis' not oxygen levels and infections!  This life is incredible.  I can't say that enough.  Jesus Christ is beyond incredible -- that i REALLY can't say enough.

The LORD will uphold him even on his sickbed; You will transform his bed of illness into health.

Psalm 41:3

My life is transformed because God is love.

boy do i have a lot to learn...

where do I even start?

HAPPY NEW YEAR! lol it's 2014, and here we are, living, laughing, breathing.. and learning.

If I could be, I'd be a forever student... I want to learn everything. I want to learn Spanish, and German.  I want to learn gymnastics.  I want to learn to dance jazz, lyrical, hiphop, tap, and pointe.  I want to learn about neurology, and pharmacology, and speech pathology.  I want to learn American sign language and... well I think you get the picture.

Does anyone else notice anything about what I said?  Where in that list is I want to learn more about God?  Where in that list is I want to learn more of who the woman God wants me to be for him?  Interesting...

So many people asked me how it was possible to praise Jesus through the storm.. and frankly it wasn't hard.  I don't mean that in a conceited way.  God tells us to "be still and know that I am God", and frankly, that's a lot easier to do when you can't move.  I hadn't realized just how much had been taken from me due to CF.. sure I knew I couldn't go out and do fun things, or exercise, or really even laugh much.. sometimes i physically didn't have enough breath to speak out loud.. but you adapt to your circumstances, and even on my silent, lonely days, it was so very clear that I was resting warmly in the Lord's strong arms.  He completely enveloped me and rained down his blessings on me as he reigned over my circumstances.  I didn't fight with my parents much, partially because there was nothing to fight over, partially because i didn't have enough energy to fight.  I didn't have responsibilities except to do what it took to keep myself alive.  I didn't really hang out much with friends, except for the few who would come lounge with me and watch movies all day without really speaking (thanks Jay, and June, the two who did that the most <3), and my credit card bill was at an all time low. My car was always filled up with gas because I couldn't go out.  I couldn't get angry to the point where it became sinful, and there certainly wasn't any boy related relationship drama because really.. I'm focusing on breathing, boys weren't even attractive unless you came in carrying a new oxygen tank.  I never realized that all these things were part of a real life because they were absent from my reality for so long.

So flash forward to now.  Turns out I can be pretty mean, I fight with my parents on a daily basis, I can get myself into trouble, I have to frequently refill my gas tank, my credit card is at an all time high, I have responsibilities around the house, I have the peer pressures of doing ungodly things, I have the challenges of explaining to my friends why I do or don't do certain things, and I have to be discerning in my actions to try to have them  reflect God's character.  I mess up on all of these things.  A lot.

It's almost shocking to me the person that I really am, and more shocking to me how merciful our God is.  

DAILY I mess up. Numerous times.  Even when I'm like, "Ok.. learned not to do that anymore... I'll do better next time." I can literally turn around and do the EXACT same thing without realizing until afterwards.  And as I hang my head in shame and defeat, there's a love that gently lifts my head back up to see amazing grace and unending forgiveness.  "Try again, my child."  he warmly says to my heart.  


1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

So.. whether we want to yell at our mom and say mean things, or stay out past curfew, (or other things that shall remain unnamed on here :P), from the "smallest" to the "biggest" sins that tempt, God has already prepared an escape route for us.  There is ALWAYS another choice, another way, "a way out so [we] can endure it."  But what is it?  Something hard, probably.  Temptations always hard.  But God tells us his yolk is easy and his burden is light, and he means it.. because the way out? .. Talk to him.  

Matthew 26:41 - Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!

Wow. He knows we are weak, and the escape route, the way to freedom from that temptation is to talk to God.  What a friend we have in Jesus <3

And not only that, when we DO mess up, and ultimately come crawling back, why should the King of kings accept us?  Especially me?  He did incredible miracles, he not only saved and restored, but abundantlyyyy filled, went beyond what I could think of, gave much more than minimum, more than average, and showed me there is NO maximum for Jesus.  And yet, I still turn to my selfishness, after ALL of that.  And that's when the King of kings, the ultimate Judge, the ONLY Perfect One astonishes me again.  He corrects me gently.

Jeremiah 10:24 - So correct me, LORD, but please be gentle. Do not correct me in anger, for I would die.

Our Lord is the King of kings, perfect, just, the Creator of the world, of all the intricate details of our bodies that we know about and don't even understand, and the stuff we don't even know about.  Yet, he is gentle, warm, and welcoming of us time and time again.  Don't give up when you stumble, because whether you feel like it or not, he's always standing there with his out-stretched arm to gently pick you back up, mend your wounds and teach you again.  

And he is so incredible.  

Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

He's teaching me to delight in him, he's teaching me fear of him.

Proverbs 9:10 - The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.

And what exactly is learning all those things mentioned above?  Wisdom.

In his gentle discipline, the LORD gives me the desires of my heart because God is love.