hello strangers! i havent written on here in forev -- that seems to be the opening of all my posts .. woops! anyway -- i really don't have any God revelation in mind to type about but knowing Jesus, He will use this anyway for me, and hopefully for some of you as well.
This is how I'm feeling today -- a cluster of emotions all storming at once and fighting for my attention. I am SOOOO happy because it is Julianna's 2nd birthday! Brace yourself for some hardcore cliche -- she is such a blessing! I LOVE that little girl!! I can't describe how I feel when she calls me "Ampie Em" or sometimes, she's too cool for the "Em" and just says "Hey Ampie!" -- ahh I loove it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE JUJ!!! <33
So obviously happiness is one of the emotions stirring in me. Then there's feelings that are pathetic. I have missed work since Tuesday because I either got sick or got bombarded with allergies. I lost my voice, hence I can't make calls, hence I can't work. So I've been trying to get better obviously, and praise God, yesterday I really felt better! No more headache or throat tickling coughing, or just that over all dreadful feeling. But.. I still didn't have enough of a voice so my supervisor told me to stay home. Last night, I was talking more, and had more of a voice and was confident that I could work today. I called my supervisor and he said I sounded good enough and to come on in! But... I don't feel that good. Therapy was harder than usual, and I was coughing more than usual. I check my oxygen -- 86 ! (FYI, that's bad.) So I call him back for the umpteenth time, and just give him a heads up that I will be wearing oxygen at work. I finally get out the door and get to work... late. I haven't been late for the 3 weeks I've been there. I haven't even been on time -- I like getting there EARLY! lol but anyway.. bla bla bla .. I got up the stairs and couldn't breathe good.. ppl were asking if I was ok but I couldnt answer because I had to try to catch my breath. After I did, I said I was fine, although I doubt anyone believed me .. I wouldnt believe me either haha. I was at work for like 20 minutes and told my supervisor I couldn't do it. I didn't have enough breath to get through the scripts, and when I did get through them, my voice was cutting in and out. I don't want to lose sales for the company because of my voice. Thank God for my supervisor -- he was so kind and understanding - telling me it's not my fault and to rest up and feel better. SO nice! So I'm on my way home, and it's like a raging battle in my mind for my thoughts. I'm thinking -- well you know you're getting closer to transplant, and then I'd start to cry, and then the Bible verses that say not to worry about tomorow, and to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ, come into my mind. And then I start analyzing out of control -- well it's ok to be upset, but I have nothing to worry about because I have Jesus, but I'm sad, but I'm glad I have such an awesome Saviour, but this but that.. and so on and so forth. BLAAA!
Transplant is a touchy topic for me and if I'm not careful, the devil can really use it to his advantage. I do not want a transplant. I understand that if the time comes when I really need one, I'll want one. And I am SOO thankful and comforted that I have a backup like transplant. BUT the more I learn about transplant, the more I don't want one. Certain things -- silly things -- come to mind -- like I can't be kissed by puppies and they can't sleep in my bed. I know, I know, stupid. Obviously I'd choose to live rather than cuddling with my pup, but still. And after surgery my ribs are wired back together... the wires stay in there. I can't take it. I can't go into any more than that cause even just those are starting to make me anxious, and that's the opposite of what I'm striving for. Anyway, I've started having nightmares about transplant. I've had one like the past three nights. The gist of them is that transplant is approaching before I'm ready.
I think that's really why I'm upset. It's disappointing that I've only been off IVs for a week and I only got to enjoy a few days. I am always so hopeful after IVs -- feeling good, wanting to start exercising, doing things in my day instead of just sleeping -- it' soo great! But I only got I think like 3 days from 2 weeks of IVs.. and now I'm on oxygen -- what is going on here? It's funny how the bad sticks out amongst so much goodness though. I could sit here and complain, which I have been doing this whole post, about this or that... and have I once mentioned how awesome God is in comforting me? I'm alive, and more importantly, HE IS ALIVE. I just keep getting reminded that God's in control -- Dear Emily, don't you remember when you were told you had a blood clot in your heart? I was there for that. I was there for the anxiety, the crying, the panic. I was there for the tough decisions and every repercussion of those decisions. I was right there in the chaos. And don't you remember? Just as I set a boundary for the ocean on the sand, I set a boundary for that. I wouldn't allow that to go any further than what I willed for it, and I have complete command over every circumstance, every health scare, and every detail of life. I am with you still. Don't forget how I've proved myself before. Remember, my daughter, that I will always have complete command. Storms calm, demons flee and breath is given with just my name. I am not leaving you to deal with this, either. But please remember to keep your focus on me. The chaos is so much more when you're eyes are focused on the storm, instead of the storm calmer. It may seem like a lot, but I have equipped you with more. Don't worry. I am your comforter. I delight in loving you, and helping you. -- ahh thank you Jesus <333333
Well... I guess that's it for the blog because God just totally spoke to my heart <3 PRAISE JESUS <3
I have my own personal comforter because God is love.
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