i'm WALKING on Son-shine

I FINALLY got out of CT-ICU and graduated to the 7th floor which is strictly transplant floor. In between this time, I passed my speech and swallow test, which meant I was allowed to eat soft foods and finallyyyy drink! This also meant that I was allowed to swallow my pain meds so I didn't have any negative side affects like paranoia anymore!  (I still got a little loopy.. but to me everything was the funniest and greatest thing I'd ever seen, and I'm pretty sure my happy delirium entertained my nurses and family haha. my favorite nurse came to visit me.. she walked in laughing and said "enjoying the drugs are we?") I still had trouble sleeping, because my mind still got scared that if I fell asleep, I'd stop breathing, but other than that, things were pretty good.. until I realized I couldn't move.

At all.

I couldn't lift my head on my own,  I couldn't roll to my side, I couldn't move my legs no matter how hard I tried.  I could move my arms and hands, but that was it.  I was in shock.  I got these new lungs, and now I can't even use them!  The docs and nurses assured me that this was normal, I was young and would bounce back quickly.  My transplant friends also reassured me, telling me how their legs were like spaghetti and look where they are now.  It helped for a minute but then I'd naturally go to move, and not be able to and get frustrated all over again.  Physical therapy started in CT-ICU and was so, so painful.  They wanted me to develop my core muscles again, and of course try to walk, but I couldn't.  So they'd pick me up and sit me in a chair.. So incredibly painful.. they way most therapists picked me up tugged on my incision line, and made me feel like I was literally being torn in half.  On 7th floor, we did more bed exercises, and soon I was practicing standing up.  They'd pick me up, and hold me while I tried my best to lock my knees, and we'd just stand for a half a minute and then sit and do it over again.  It was shocking to me how I had to relearn things just because my muscles were so depleted.  I had no balance - when I got strong enough that they could start to let go holding me and try to let me just stand, I'd start leaning in one direction about to fall over.  It took a long time to get walking, but when I finally started taking those first steps, it was such a victory.  I had to walk with a walker, the therapist holding onto me, and someone (usually my mom) walking right behind me with a chair incase i fell.  Many days were depressing.. I still couldn't stand up on my own.. someone had to physically pick me up and put me on my feet.. and even though I was glad to finally be able to hobble along with a walker, some days I didn't do as well as I wanted to, or was so exhausted afterward I could just cry.  "It will come, it will come" they kept telling me.  But it wasn't... I was stuck in this phase of walking like a penguin while clutching a walker so tight my knuckles were turning white.  I was referred to go to acute rehab which is basically a more intense physical therapy, and I thought and prayed a lot about it, but ultimately decided to go home.  When we got home, I couldn't go up the stairs so my parents basically carried me haha and it was a little tough for a few days, but so much better than the hospital.  Eventually I started walking without the walking but holding onto the wall or furniture as I walked, and then one day... look ma, no hands! 

Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!” - John 5:8

I can walk because God is love.