Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me.

It was awesome to be awake.  They told me I'd feel like I was hit by a bus, but I didn't feel like that.  I had a nice little button I could press for pain meds, and they kept telling me to press it more than I was.  Soon enough they realized I didn't need that hardcore of pain meds anymore, and they switched me over to percocet -- always my drug of preference ;) :P  I told them that I responded well to it in the past, and so that's what I got.  Except this time.. I didn't respond so well.  

There are a few theories for this:

1) My body was still pretty sick and recouping from all it went through, so it was extra sensitive to the medication

or my theory:

2) I couldn't eat, drink, or swallow anything so they took percocet pills, crushed them, and put them into a tube in my stomach, resulting in metabolizing the drug differently, and more quickly... making me go...well, completely nuts.

I would freak out.  I stopped believing that I was breathing.. This is "normal" after transplant because my entire life I had to consciously work to breathe.. and now I don't.  Ok, so every 5 minutes.. sometimes I didn't even make it that long.. I'd have a panic attack and ask my mom if I was really breathing.. I'd ask every doc that came in, every nurse, every friend.. anyone who stepped foot into my room became victim of my panic.  I couldn't see straight, and the room often spun, especially at the peak times of the drugs.  I was paranoid, too. The nurses were obviously out to get me, and my mom had apparently taken their side.  I didn't believe anything anyone told me, and felt I truly couldn't trust anyone.. anyone that is, besides Jesus.

Of course the nurses weren't there to do anything but help me, and my mom would be the last person to take someone's side against mine, but I was completely convinced, and I have to say, even though that wasn't actual reality, it was my reality, and it scared me more than anything.  Who could I trust to take care of me now when I still couldn't speak, and now physically couldn't move (my muscles were gone after surgery)?  Oh right.  God.  The One thing that remained, the One that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt wouldn't leave me was my Savior.  

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Woof.  He will NEVER leave you, and he will NEVER forsake you.  When you're reality is that everyone is against you, there's always One who's got your back. always. 

So I talked to him.  I called upon the name of Jesus so many times in complete and utter terror that I couldn't have said a word even if I had the ability to talk. And in that complete and utter terror, the Lord answered, and would bring me comfort, and coherence.  I can vividly remember awful nightmares I would have (the times I was calm enough to actually sleep), and actually praying in my dreams, pleading for God to wake me up because I was so scared.  And he did.. every single time.  He didn't let me linger in my fear.  Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18)... God IS love (1 John 4:8) and God NEVER leaves me.. This is like one of those "if a=b and b=c" type equations.  If God is love, and God never leaves me, that means love never leaves me.  Fear can't be in the presence of perfect love (God), therefore, I can't remain in fear when I focus on God.  Yet again, God held true to his promises.  Does anyone else see a trend here?

So in those moments when I was frustrated, lonely, scared, terrified, completely confused, drastically drugged, panicking beyond my control, and perpetually paranoid, God was still faithful to me, and it had absolutely nothing to do with who I am, what circumstance or frenzy I found myself in that day, or anything I had done or not done.. It's just because God loves us.  Yes, us.  We all go through different situations, different emotions, different struggles... but when you're confused, depressed, paranoid, whatever your trial may be.. know that when you can't trust anyone, you can trust God; know that there will always be at least one who wants to help you, one who is always rooting for you, and you will always have a number one fan.. when you walk with him you realize you'll never be alone; he will never forsake you.  His name is Jesus.  He died for you.  He's not going to leave you high and dry now.

When I thought I was on my own, I never really was alone because God is love.