Ice chips.

While I was in the hospital, a friend sent me a nice little care package of activities to do, along with a poster.  The poster had a verse on it, and the picture behind the Word was a beautiful mini waterfall rushing into a sparkling clear spring.  It was beautiful.  We hung it exactly where I could see it, and it was always in my view.  (Thanks Catherine Langhoff!) 

Having a trach meant that I needed to take a swallow test before I could eat or drink.  In order to qualify to take this test, you had to be on "trach collar" which basically meant that you weren't hooked up to a vent, you only had a little oxygen mask over your trach.  After being on the vent, I was able to come off and be on trach collar, and was able to take the test!  There were two parts to the test - one for liquids and one for solid food. After taking the one for liquids, I had to wait 24 hours for results.  With excitement of possibly being able to finally drink something the next day, my little lungs just couldn't work that hard anymore, and I was put back on the vent --- aka .. no drinks in my near future.  The results came in.. I passed.  I could drink something --- if I wasn't on the vent...

I was so upset.  My mouth and throat had reached a new level of dryness that makes a desert seem like the ocean.  I was so close to having a drink and now I was so far.  I was already not myself from being on the ECMO and trach for awhile at this point, and I was feeling pretty bla- of course physically, but what was worse was spiritually.  The only way I can describe it is that God was still holding onto me, but I wasn't holding back.  I wanted to, but at this point, my attitude had started sliding into the neutral zone -- my emotions had become indifferent.  I just was.  I didn't care either way, except during my panics.  My soul wanted Jesus, but my body didn't care.  This made me feel guilty too.  He was doing so much and I just didn't even want to talk to him.  I made myself pray anyway.  I can't remember exactly, but in short (even though it was probably the shortest prayer ever to begin with) I apologized for not holding onto him, thanked him for holding on to me, and desperately asked that he wouldn't let go.  He confirmed his compassion and love, and that he'll never ever let go of me.  But who knew he would do it through ice chips?

 I was allowed to crunch on ice chips because they trusted me that I wouldn't swallow them, and I didn't.  They brought me my first cup of ice chips and handed me a little suction thing -- like they have at the dentist -- to be able to slurp up the water.  My hand slowly reached up and grasped the cold, Styrofoam cup full of ice chips.  If you were ever to describe something as mouth watering, that was the time.  They just looked so pretty -- clear ovals with sparkling ridges from the frost of the ice machine, I kid you not, they resembled crystals.  I picked one up, put it in my mouth, and CRUNCHED!  Immediately it burst, filling my mouth with cold water and pieces of ice.  And as I enjoyed this eruption of refreshment, my eyes were focused on the beautiful poster hanging in front of me.  I closed my eyes and imagined all the wonderful enjoyments of water.  I pictured that same waterfall and spring from the poster.. but this time I was in it.  The water would was so clear, and felt so nice as it just glided across my skin and through my hair.  I could drink it, too.  It was cool, and for lack of better term, refreshing as it ran down my throat, quenching all my thirst as I felt its briskness, and tasted its pureness.  With every ice chip I put in my mouth (and then suctioned out.. don't worry, people.. still followed the rules while I was day dreaming!) I imagined this over, and over.  And before I could open my eyes again, God reminded me that HE is the Living Water. 

John 4:13-14 “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”


John 7:37-39 "On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink.  Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”  By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive."

And it just made me think.. if an ICE CHIP brings such relief, what does God bring?  If water is so enjoyable, what is God?  God is more.  I can't tell you exactly what he is because my mind can only grasp ice chips and water.


Isaiah 64:4 "Since ancient times no one has heard,
                  no ear has perceived,
                  no eye has seen any God besides you,
                  who acts on behalf of those who wait for him"

1 Corinthians 2:9 "However, as it is written:

                          “What no eye has seen,
                          what no ear has heard,
                          and what no human mind has conceived”—
                          the things God has prepared for those who love him—"

 

But I can tell you one of the things he is -- My God is my refreshment.  My God is the Living Water.  And for every panic attack, every bad dream, every procedure or potential scare that day.. I just repeated "I found my Living Water" and just like when I crunched that ice chip, something burst into my being, except this time it was the safety and comfort of Jesus Christ - My Redeemer... My Refresher... My Living Water.
 

 My God can even use ice chips to comfort me because God is love.