Hello! I'm just going to jump right in -- God has been gently teaching me that I really do fully rely on Him. I know that I do -- but it's more like head knowledge and he's been helping me experience heart knowledge as well. We can all say that we know we fully rely on God -- but how much do we actual realize it? Welllllll... I am SOOO happy that I serve a God who is so nice to me. His teaching methods are the best out there. Do you learn visually? Are you more hands on? Or do you learn better by reading about the topic? Let's review Jesus' teaching style -- visual: check. hands on: check. Reading: check!
I want to be used by God and for God. But sometimes that just seems so impossible; at least in the ways I want to do it, like missioning and witnessing, etc. God has made SO many promises to those who love and follow him, it's hard to remember them all -- thankfully, it's not in God's character to forget the promises he's made to us.
Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."
I was at the train station and saw a man waiting to get on the elevator with us. God pointed him out, and I got that feeling -- that one that's from the Spirit telling you that you have to talk to that person. I LOVE that! Long story short, we got to the main floor, and I hadn't talked to him -- it was noisy, and crowded, not the best place to strike up a convo about God when you're half deaf and can barely hear the person who's crammed next to you yelling into your ear. OH by the way, I was in my transfer chair because I wasn't breathing well enough to walk around NYC (we were on our way to Ripley's Believe it or not -- really fun!) .. Anyway we make it to the main floor, and I asked the guy if he's ok and he said something about no but he's trying or something, and proceeded on his way. I couldn't let him just walk away! God told me I was supposed to talk to him, and now I risked not only whatever plan God had for me and this guy's convo, but also disobeying the Lord! I have been praying to be sensitive to the Spirit's leading ... and now I'm not going to go when He leads? The guy was round the corner a little ways down.. so.. I jumped out of my chair and said to my family "I'll be right back!", grabbed June's arm and said "Come with me!" and we ran down the hallway around the corner.
Yes, I said it. Ran. (well, it was probably more like jogging for a normal person, or maybe a brisk walk lol but for me it was running.)
We got to the guy, stopped him, talked to him, and prayed with him. And I wasn't out of breath. At all.
Remember -- I couldn't even walk around two minutes ago without getting breathy and walking veryyyyyyyy slowly. June said she knew it must have been God leading because she couldn't believe how well I was breathing after what she calls my "sprint" hahah.
I thought it was awesome -- how amazing for God to use me -- a sinner, not worthy, only redeemed by Jesus' blood (thank you, Jesus!), and still after being redeemed -- I continue to fall short every day -- and that's who the Spirit led, that's the person's prayer God answered in being sensitive to the Spirit -- what a gracious God we serve!!
But wait, it gets better -- I fully believe the phrase "no one is handicapped in God's eyes". You were created to fulfill his will and purpose and if you're walking with him, no disability can prevent you from doing so. HOWEVER, again .. this was more head knowledge than heart knowledge and although my head knows, my heart was feeling otherwise.
The way I want to serve Jesus is too risky for my health, or too physically demanding for me right now... So my heart tells me that I'm handicapped. That it's impossible to serve how I desire to.
Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things..."
God called me to serve that day in a way I desire to. He called me to do something that would be deemed risky for my health (meeting a stranger, getting close, etc), and that seemed physically impossible (run/jog down the hall and talk with that guy).
I wasn't coughing. I wasn't out of breath. My oxygen wasn't low.
God equipped me for what he called me to do.
Hebrews 13:21 "...may he equip you with all you need for doing his will.."
He did, and he does. Why? Because nothing is impossible with God.
What is God equipping you to do?
The impossible becomes possible because God is love.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Anyone down for a game of Guess Who?
Hellloooo! So.. God is awesome -- shocker. lol lately, when I get sad or anxious, or whatever, I ask God to remind me who I am. I have accepted the salvation offered to me through Jesus Christ's blood and I am now a child of God. I am protected in the shadow of His wings, and I can trust His plans for my life. It sounds wonderful, and on a day when I'm really feeling pumped for Christ, it's like YEAHHH BABBYY!!! But in those moments when I'm on the edge of despair - it feels like I'm too weak to fight back. That's a lie from the devil - and I know it is -- which is why I ask for God to remind me who I am .. I am not a little weakling -- because my Daddy is STRONG and I am his! Have you ever noticed how character traits are passed down to children? If a father is a die hard mechanic -- his kids usually know a lot about cars.. or ever see a reallyyyy tall guy? his kids are usually not shorties.. anyway -- the point I'm making is that God created us in HIS image -- and He certainly isn't one to give way to satan -- He doesn't cower under satan's attacks or temptations or lies. He stands strong - which is what He's called us to do -- the Bible says to put on the full armor of God! How awesome! And although no weapon formed against the followers of Jesus will prosper (Isaiah 54:17), God still equips us with weapons! The full armor of humanly warfare? NOPE! The armor of GOD! (Ephesians 6:10-18) . It really is amazing that we have access to that. But... satan didn't just start his carreer in deceiving yesterday.. so he's pretty well versed at what he does -- and back to those moments when I'm overwhelmed -- he makes me feel like there is no possible way I am strong enough to suit up. Picture a knight and all the armor they wear.. and then picture little ol' me, trying to even stand up wearing all that! No way. And that's the image I get in my head - just what the devil wants, and opposite of what God wants/the truth. See, the truth is, God's armor IS NOT too heavy for me to carry - in fact if it were a physical outfit -- it'd be manufactured out of those "easy to breathe" fabrics. But there's more, because of God doesn't give minimally, but abundantly -- so despite the truth that His armor is NOT to heavy for me, He knows that I'm being deceived and believing that it is -- so He offers to help me suit up, to help me stand up, and to lift the "heavy weight". How nice! But here's where he really struck me yesterday....
I am totally prideful and selfish -- I would definitely say those are the two sins that I unfortunately lose to the most often. (God's helping me though!) Anyway, I tend to make everythingggg about me somehow - without even realizing! Including asking God for strength in times of need. I tend to try to do things out of my own strength instead of God's. "Lord, remind me who I am" -- yes, it is good to be reminded of who you are IN CHRIST, but last night God reminded me of something else too..
"Lord, remind me who I am" is not nearlyyyyy as powerful as "Lord, remind me who YOU are." Praise God that He is the one who walked on water, and calmed the seas. That He is maker of the universe, that He breathed the stars into existance, and that He is the creator of alllll the things we know, and sooo much more we haven't even discovered. And most of all.. that He is who He knows himself to be -- not just who we think he is .. In other words, we are limited in our comprehension, so therefore we limit God. We often put Him inside a box, or doubt, but even if we don't do that -- our brains can only understand so much .. and God defies the limits of our brains. LOVE IT!
So.. when you're having a bad day, tired, sick, feel like crying, or just feel weak or overwhelmed -- ask God to help you remember who you are in Him - worth His life - but more so, ask God to help you remember who He is for you.
P.S. if you guys get a chance, youtube "I AM" by Mark Schultz -- that's the song God used to remind me of just a few things about Himself.
God graciously reminds me who He is because God is love.
I am totally prideful and selfish -- I would definitely say those are the two sins that I unfortunately lose to the most often. (God's helping me though!) Anyway, I tend to make everythingggg about me somehow - without even realizing! Including asking God for strength in times of need. I tend to try to do things out of my own strength instead of God's. "Lord, remind me who I am" -- yes, it is good to be reminded of who you are IN CHRIST, but last night God reminded me of something else too..
"Lord, remind me who I am" is not nearlyyyyy as powerful as "Lord, remind me who YOU are." Praise God that He is the one who walked on water, and calmed the seas. That He is maker of the universe, that He breathed the stars into existance, and that He is the creator of alllll the things we know, and sooo much more we haven't even discovered. And most of all.. that He is who He knows himself to be -- not just who we think he is .. In other words, we are limited in our comprehension, so therefore we limit God. We often put Him inside a box, or doubt, but even if we don't do that -- our brains can only understand so much .. and God defies the limits of our brains. LOVE IT!
So.. when you're having a bad day, tired, sick, feel like crying, or just feel weak or overwhelmed -- ask God to help you remember who you are in Him - worth His life - but more so, ask God to help you remember who He is for you.
P.S. if you guys get a chance, youtube "I AM" by Mark Schultz -- that's the song God used to remind me of just a few things about Himself.
God graciously reminds me who He is because God is love.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
they tried to make me go to rehab and i said.. yes, yes, yes!
Hello again! As most of you probably know, today I had a transplant visit. Everytime I go it's a little different, but essentially I do some kind of test, and then meet and talk with my transplant pulmologist. Today followed that outline, too. Here's my day.
Wake up. Too early. lol let me tell you, my poor mother has really got the gift of cheerfulness when I'm walking around like an attitudey zombie, and my dad is frantic to leave on time .. which we didnt.. shocker. lol but we made it there on time and my first test was the cardiopulmonary stress test aka ride a bike with stuff connected to you. They put a head thing on me -- has anyone seen mean girls? if so, you know that part when regina is getting ready for prom and decorating her head brace? it was JUST like that except it didnt connect to my neck, and i wasn't getting ready for prom, and i try to be a nice girl :P -- anyway they put that on me, and then connect a mouth piece to that and obviously that goes in my mouth lol and then they put the little heart monitors on me, and a pulseox (detects my oxygen levels), and the lady took my blood pressure every two minutes. I was really blown away by how much they can detect, and monitor, and adjust! SO cool! So I had to sit at rest for 5 minutes to get my baseline, and then I did a 3 minute warm up and then they slowly increase the pressure. I don't actually know how long I was on the bike for but the lady said I did really well! The assessment is what really excited me, though. I'm hoping I understood everything correctly but here goes..
She said that I have a lot of lactic acid. That basically there's two types of like muscle energy in your muscles - type 1 is long lasting; where you can exert energy forever basically - this is the kind that burns your calories. type 2 is for short bursts of energy, like standing up or sprinting. Type 2 gets tired VERY quickly. So when you don't exercise for a long time because you're sick or whatever, your type 1s diminish and theres more type 2s. So your muscles get tired really quickly as a result. And as a result of that, you produce lactic acid. They way your body gets rid of lactic acid is by binding it with carbon dioxide and exhaling it. Hence .. the more lactic acid you have, the breathier you are. Soooo she said I have a lot of lactic acid -- which means that I could try to exercise and might become less breathy! I'm SO souped!
Next was my 6 minute walk test -- I do as many laps around these two cones as I can in 6 minutes. Last time I did it, I was on oxygen and my levels still dipped to 85. Today I did it without oxygen, and only dipped to 87! I did have to take a ten second break this time, but I still did really well!
The concesus was to start exercising slowly. They don't want me to jump in to something my body can't handle. And to use a little bit of oxygen while exercising so that if my levels drop, it won't hurt my body, and I'll be able to exercise a little longer than without oxygen. So I am happy!! lol
My weight is back up to 100.4! woo hoo! And my transplant doc was happy that I had gotten all my vaccines and stuff done. My wisdom teeth are scheduled to be pulled and.... I DON'T HAVE TO GET A CARDIO CATH!!!!
For those of you who don't remember, or haven't heard -- there was that huggee uproar about the blood clot on my port, which God turned into a "vegetation". The cardio cath is when they put a catheter into your right heart and check around, but that's right where my "vegetation" is and there were majorrrrr concerns/risks of dislodging it with the cath, so they held it off. The newest opinion from the cardiologist and the cath techs was that it would probably not dislodge and the test could more than likely be done without anything happening. I was happy about this because I don't want a dangerous thing in my heart, but at the same time, I REALLY didn't want that test -- it just really freaked (and still freaks) me out for some reason. So today my doc says well of course there are risks with every procedure, but there is thought to be very little risk of dislodgement with this procedure. And I'm thinking oh great... she's going to say so let's schedule the cath. Then the next thing I know, she says, but if it's a concern to you, we don't have to do it. It's not a test that is absolutely vital for transplant, it's good to have, but if it's going to be a big concern, let's skip it for now and if it ever comes up as an issue we'll discuss it then.
THANK YOU GOD!!! I was not expecting that turn in the conversation and my mom, dad, and i all breathed a sigh of relief!
After that, we just talked about things like if I could wear nail polish and some less important things like antibiotics :P (by the way, I was very happy to hear I CAN wear nail polish !) We finished off well and then were on our way home!
It's hard because after today, I feel like I don't want to be on the transplant list -- which by the way I'm not yet. I can be put on if things get worse, and in case of emergency, I can be added onto it within an hour. But for now, I'm not getting worse, THANK YOU JESUS!, and I really feel like if I exercise and stuff, I could really postpone my need for transplant for awhile. I am super excited to exercise (even though when I know I won't love it so much when I'm struggling to do it.. but still) andddd I'm going to start going to rehab -- pulmonary rehab that is :P -- and I'm really excited about that too!
Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement -- definitelyyy helped make my day so great today!
I had a REALLY great day because God is love.
Wake up. Too early. lol let me tell you, my poor mother has really got the gift of cheerfulness when I'm walking around like an attitudey zombie, and my dad is frantic to leave on time .. which we didnt.. shocker. lol but we made it there on time and my first test was the cardiopulmonary stress test aka ride a bike with stuff connected to you. They put a head thing on me -- has anyone seen mean girls? if so, you know that part when regina is getting ready for prom and decorating her head brace? it was JUST like that except it didnt connect to my neck, and i wasn't getting ready for prom, and i try to be a nice girl :P -- anyway they put that on me, and then connect a mouth piece to that and obviously that goes in my mouth lol and then they put the little heart monitors on me, and a pulseox (detects my oxygen levels), and the lady took my blood pressure every two minutes. I was really blown away by how much they can detect, and monitor, and adjust! SO cool! So I had to sit at rest for 5 minutes to get my baseline, and then I did a 3 minute warm up and then they slowly increase the pressure. I don't actually know how long I was on the bike for but the lady said I did really well! The assessment is what really excited me, though. I'm hoping I understood everything correctly but here goes..
She said that I have a lot of lactic acid. That basically there's two types of like muscle energy in your muscles - type 1 is long lasting; where you can exert energy forever basically - this is the kind that burns your calories. type 2 is for short bursts of energy, like standing up or sprinting. Type 2 gets tired VERY quickly. So when you don't exercise for a long time because you're sick or whatever, your type 1s diminish and theres more type 2s. So your muscles get tired really quickly as a result. And as a result of that, you produce lactic acid. They way your body gets rid of lactic acid is by binding it with carbon dioxide and exhaling it. Hence .. the more lactic acid you have, the breathier you are. Soooo she said I have a lot of lactic acid -- which means that I could try to exercise and might become less breathy! I'm SO souped!
Next was my 6 minute walk test -- I do as many laps around these two cones as I can in 6 minutes. Last time I did it, I was on oxygen and my levels still dipped to 85. Today I did it without oxygen, and only dipped to 87! I did have to take a ten second break this time, but I still did really well!
The concesus was to start exercising slowly. They don't want me to jump in to something my body can't handle. And to use a little bit of oxygen while exercising so that if my levels drop, it won't hurt my body, and I'll be able to exercise a little longer than without oxygen. So I am happy!! lol
My weight is back up to 100.4! woo hoo! And my transplant doc was happy that I had gotten all my vaccines and stuff done. My wisdom teeth are scheduled to be pulled and.... I DON'T HAVE TO GET A CARDIO CATH!!!!
For those of you who don't remember, or haven't heard -- there was that huggee uproar about the blood clot on my port, which God turned into a "vegetation". The cardio cath is when they put a catheter into your right heart and check around, but that's right where my "vegetation" is and there were majorrrrr concerns/risks of dislodging it with the cath, so they held it off. The newest opinion from the cardiologist and the cath techs was that it would probably not dislodge and the test could more than likely be done without anything happening. I was happy about this because I don't want a dangerous thing in my heart, but at the same time, I REALLY didn't want that test -- it just really freaked (and still freaks) me out for some reason. So today my doc says well of course there are risks with every procedure, but there is thought to be very little risk of dislodgement with this procedure. And I'm thinking oh great... she's going to say so let's schedule the cath. Then the next thing I know, she says, but if it's a concern to you, we don't have to do it. It's not a test that is absolutely vital for transplant, it's good to have, but if it's going to be a big concern, let's skip it for now and if it ever comes up as an issue we'll discuss it then.
THANK YOU GOD!!! I was not expecting that turn in the conversation and my mom, dad, and i all breathed a sigh of relief!
After that, we just talked about things like if I could wear nail polish and some less important things like antibiotics :P (by the way, I was very happy to hear I CAN wear nail polish !) We finished off well and then were on our way home!
It's hard because after today, I feel like I don't want to be on the transplant list -- which by the way I'm not yet. I can be put on if things get worse, and in case of emergency, I can be added onto it within an hour. But for now, I'm not getting worse, THANK YOU JESUS!, and I really feel like if I exercise and stuff, I could really postpone my need for transplant for awhile. I am super excited to exercise (even though when I know I won't love it so much when I'm struggling to do it.. but still) andddd I'm going to start going to rehab -- pulmonary rehab that is :P -- and I'm really excited about that too!
Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement -- definitelyyy helped make my day so great today!
I had a REALLY great day because God is love.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
a stroll down memory lane
Hello all! Just a heads up -- this post is really more for me than it is for you lol I'm hoping God can still use it for you, of course! But I was chatting with a friend, and telling them stories about how awesome God has been.. and so i just wanted to type some to remind myself how sweet Jesus is to me. I know some are more vague than others .. but they hold significance to me no matter how short the sentence lol -- if you want to hear details .. feel free to message me cause that's what I'm called to do -- share the goodness of God! (I just didnt wan't to force my details on ya! After all.. I can talk quiteeee a bit! haha) Anyway.. God is the nicest :]
Dear God,
Remember when...
... you heard my heart's cry for independence and answered by placing a CF specialty hospital right down the road from the hotel I was going to stay at during a road trip with a friend? That was the only reason I was allowed to go, and you planned for it before I even started planning the trip.. probably before I was even old enough to talk.
... you turned my life-threatening, port disabling, big surprise upset, blood clot into a non-threatening vegetation?
... you put your hand on mine, and held in my fragile, flimsy IV long enough until they deemed it ok to come out?
... and you not only held it in, but eased the pain during infusion. I cried out to you, and you heard me.
... you brought me safely to Ohio, and amazed all the doctors, nurses, and myself with the surgery, and how quickly you recovered me?
... you gave wisdom to the one nurse on my team to start me on flu medication even when all the other doctors said that it wasn't the flu?
... it was the flu and you had already smoothed my pathway to recovery by starting me early on the meds?
... you filled my lungs and let me sing praises to your sweet name like never before? That was so awesome!
... I was scared to be knocked out, and called your name right before the drugs hit me and just as you promised in the Psalms, held my high?
... you surrounded me with nurses who were believers?
... you gave me praise music to recover to?
... I was upset and stubborn, not wanting to get my port, and scared of it. And you reminded me who I am? you made me remember that "you make me wanna be brave"?
... when I sinned against you and you forgave me?
... you sat with me in my bad mood?
... you let me cry to you?
... I didn't want to talk, so you sat with me quietly?
... you reminded me that you're going to make me run without growing wearing, and walk without fainting.. literally. (Isaiah 40:31)
... I was having a terribleeee day at work, and you played my favorite song on the CD player?
... you died for me even when I didn't love you?
Thank You, Saviour!
I have a God who cares about every little (and big!) detail and takes care of them because God is love <3
Dear God,
Remember when...
... you heard my heart's cry for independence and answered by placing a CF specialty hospital right down the road from the hotel I was going to stay at during a road trip with a friend? That was the only reason I was allowed to go, and you planned for it before I even started planning the trip.. probably before I was even old enough to talk.
... you turned my life-threatening, port disabling, big surprise upset, blood clot into a non-threatening vegetation?
... you put your hand on mine, and held in my fragile, flimsy IV long enough until they deemed it ok to come out?
... and you not only held it in, but eased the pain during infusion. I cried out to you, and you heard me.
... you brought me safely to Ohio, and amazed all the doctors, nurses, and myself with the surgery, and how quickly you recovered me?
... you gave wisdom to the one nurse on my team to start me on flu medication even when all the other doctors said that it wasn't the flu?
... it was the flu and you had already smoothed my pathway to recovery by starting me early on the meds?
... you filled my lungs and let me sing praises to your sweet name like never before? That was so awesome!
... I was scared to be knocked out, and called your name right before the drugs hit me and just as you promised in the Psalms, held my high?
... you surrounded me with nurses who were believers?
... you gave me praise music to recover to?
... I was upset and stubborn, not wanting to get my port, and scared of it. And you reminded me who I am? you made me remember that "you make me wanna be brave"?
... when I sinned against you and you forgave me?
... you sat with me in my bad mood?
... you let me cry to you?
... I didn't want to talk, so you sat with me quietly?
... you reminded me that you're going to make me run without growing wearing, and walk without fainting.. literally. (Isaiah 40:31)
... I was having a terribleeee day at work, and you played my favorite song on the CD player?
... you died for me even when I didn't love you?
Thank You, Saviour!
I have a God who cares about every little (and big!) detail and takes care of them because God is love <3
Sunday Night: The eclipse
So... I'm only going to share one story in this post because I want to get it out before I forget but I'm really tired and lazy today lol. Anyway, Sunday my mom and I were planning on going to my sister's house. I was going to skip church and go, and my mom was going to go to church and meet me there. However, schedules got busy and my mom decided to just miss church and go in the same car with me. We went, and thank you God, had SUCH a great day! I haven't been feeling great, but Sunday I barely coughed while I was there! AND we went in the pool - which by the way was 91 degrees! AND how it fills my heart to hear little Juju crack up and say "AMPTIE EM! how do you do that?!" (i was floating on my back and apparently that's just the funniest thing!) Anyway, after a wonderful day, it was time to go. My mom and I hopped in my car and left.. but didn't get far. God's grace, on the other hand, extended far beyond my belief.
As I'm on the parkway right before the bridge I was merging into the second lane. (Like, I was in the 3rd lane on the right, and wanted to get to the second lane that's close to the left.) As I'm attempting to make my move, I feel my car die. You know that feeling when your car just loses power? Yep. I look at my speed and altho my foots all the way down trying to accelerate, I was losing speed. This all happened so quickly. But I can at least now say that I am a true Gorsky - quick Gorsky trivia: when something BAD is happening, my mom and dad's voices and attitudes get OVERLY calm lol -- but back to the story -- As soon as I realized what was happening I said "Mom, my car died" and she said "WHAT!" And I said "I have no gas" meaning I couldn't accelerate. She said "Get to the left shoulder!!" which is what I was trying to do - but before she even finished the sentence, my power steering died too. Now I know it is possible to drive without power steering -- but considering I have trouble opening doors and jars, for me to power steer would REALLY be the strength of Jesus! (No, that didn't happen. lol) I couldn't control the car anymore, and we were still at 50mph, with other cars whizzzinggg on both sides of us a lot faster than that. Some person who I could have words for, but choose not to lol decided to speed up right when I was trying to get across the left lane to the left shoulder and we almost hit him... ALMOST. We made it the left shoulder, and called the police. I wasn't scared. I wasn't frustrated. I wasn't upset in the least. God's peace.
My mom called the police and they said they'd send a tow - and JUST FYI in case you ever break down on the parkway -- it's a restricted driving area -- which means GEICO, or whatver insurance you have can't send out their guys to get you -- the state is contracted with specific towing companies to come get you and insurances will reimburse up to the closest dealership of your car -- but anyway -- they said the tow would be there in 30 minutes. Not even 5 minutes after that, a state officer pulls up on my side from prkway south, and asks if we broke down. I said yes, and he said I'll swing around that side. So he does, asks what happens and we told him everything, including the tow was coming in 30. He says let me just check on that for ya. He goes back to his car, comes back and says yea, the tows on its way. Before he even gets back to his car -- the tow truck was there! We found out the miles the insurance would reimburse for was 5 miles. It was 6.1 miles to our house. So close and yet so far.. and SO expensive! But we has such a nice tow guy, he called his boss and they brought us to our house without the additional cost!
There is SOOO much to be thankful for. And all I can keep thinking is .."I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by mercy". The Bible makes it clear that there is ACTUAL warfare going on. In Daniel an angel speaks of actual warfare with spirits. Now I know I've probably read and watched one too many spiritual warfare fictions, but have any of you read "This Present Darkness" by Frank Peretti? (If you haven't.. I SERIOUSLY reccommend it! That's actually the book that got me into reading!) Anyway, not to give it away but at one point in the book, theres a woman who is the enemie's (the Devil) target, and she's driving. And there are angels fighting spirits, and other angels surrounding the car, guiding the car, and protecting her. And that's what came to my mind -- I had no control over that car, and if it had been angled slightly a different way, we would have hit the car in the left lane.
There are SO many possibilities of what COULD have happened, but there's only ONE answer of what DID happen - my afflictions were eclipsed by mercy. -- I was shielded.
BAHHH and that is so like Jesus to be sweet and gentle to us, and strong and protective for us.
I was and am protected because God is love.
As I'm on the parkway right before the bridge I was merging into the second lane. (Like, I was in the 3rd lane on the right, and wanted to get to the second lane that's close to the left.) As I'm attempting to make my move, I feel my car die. You know that feeling when your car just loses power? Yep. I look at my speed and altho my foots all the way down trying to accelerate, I was losing speed. This all happened so quickly. But I can at least now say that I am a true Gorsky - quick Gorsky trivia: when something BAD is happening, my mom and dad's voices and attitudes get OVERLY calm lol -- but back to the story -- As soon as I realized what was happening I said "Mom, my car died" and she said "WHAT!" And I said "I have no gas" meaning I couldn't accelerate. She said "Get to the left shoulder!!" which is what I was trying to do - but before she even finished the sentence, my power steering died too. Now I know it is possible to drive without power steering -- but considering I have trouble opening doors and jars, for me to power steer would REALLY be the strength of Jesus! (No, that didn't happen. lol) I couldn't control the car anymore, and we were still at 50mph, with other cars whizzzinggg on both sides of us a lot faster than that. Some person who I could have words for, but choose not to lol decided to speed up right when I was trying to get across the left lane to the left shoulder and we almost hit him... ALMOST. We made it the left shoulder, and called the police. I wasn't scared. I wasn't frustrated. I wasn't upset in the least. God's peace.
My mom called the police and they said they'd send a tow - and JUST FYI in case you ever break down on the parkway -- it's a restricted driving area -- which means GEICO, or whatver insurance you have can't send out their guys to get you -- the state is contracted with specific towing companies to come get you and insurances will reimburse up to the closest dealership of your car -- but anyway -- they said the tow would be there in 30 minutes. Not even 5 minutes after that, a state officer pulls up on my side from prkway south, and asks if we broke down. I said yes, and he said I'll swing around that side. So he does, asks what happens and we told him everything, including the tow was coming in 30. He says let me just check on that for ya. He goes back to his car, comes back and says yea, the tows on its way. Before he even gets back to his car -- the tow truck was there! We found out the miles the insurance would reimburse for was 5 miles. It was 6.1 miles to our house. So close and yet so far.. and SO expensive! But we has such a nice tow guy, he called his boss and they brought us to our house without the additional cost!
There is SOOO much to be thankful for. And all I can keep thinking is .."I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by mercy". The Bible makes it clear that there is ACTUAL warfare going on. In Daniel an angel speaks of actual warfare with spirits. Now I know I've probably read and watched one too many spiritual warfare fictions, but have any of you read "This Present Darkness" by Frank Peretti? (If you haven't.. I SERIOUSLY reccommend it! That's actually the book that got me into reading!) Anyway, not to give it away but at one point in the book, theres a woman who is the enemie's (the Devil) target, and she's driving. And there are angels fighting spirits, and other angels surrounding the car, guiding the car, and protecting her. And that's what came to my mind -- I had no control over that car, and if it had been angled slightly a different way, we would have hit the car in the left lane.
There are SO many possibilities of what COULD have happened, but there's only ONE answer of what DID happen - my afflictions were eclipsed by mercy. -- I was shielded.
BAHHH and that is so like Jesus to be sweet and gentle to us, and strong and protective for us.
I was and am protected because God is love.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
it was a good day!
Hello again! Ok so update time! I wasn't breathing well Sunday morning -- but God helped me get up, get ready and be able to breathe enough for my parents to take me down to Bradley Beach to meet my friend Celeste and our team for the Great Strides Cystic Fibrosis Walk-a-thon! I went on oxygen and in my transfer chair, and we got there for like the last half hour of it, which was totally a God gift because by the way I was breathing.. or not breathing haha it was unlikely I was going to make the event at all and all morning I worked really hard, and prayed even harder "God, just please let us get there before it's over" and he did! ANDDDD.. Our team raised over $2000 for CF and I only started fundraising about a week or so before the walk, and my sponsors donated $1,195!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU -- I really can't say THANK YOU enough to everyone who donated and Celeste and the team!!!!
After the walk, I was feeling pretty good -- meaning I wasn't a zombie or in a bad mood lol we came home, and Nicole and June came over but I guess the car ride took it out of me because when we got home, I was absolutely beat, and started coughing and breathing harder again. Monday morn I woke up early.. 5am! I woke up because I wasn't feeling good at all. Breathing was really hard, coughing A LOT, headache, etc.. my ox was low, and my side really hurt (I frequently pull muscles in my sides from the coughing, but usually it's bearable) soo I took a pain killer and waited for it to kick in so I could start my treatments and therapy. It kicked in! I started my treatments in bed! I'm FREEZING! lol my temperature decided to spike to 103.6! At that point, I was able to get up and do therapy after my treatments and was already breathing easier, but still terribly. I'll speed this up a little cos this is the boring stuff -- texted my doc, made admission plans, got ready, got admitted.
Last August the hospital was a nightmare. I understand I'm a lot to take in haha and I'm not the only patient and all that jazz but when I come to the hospital, it means I'm not healthy enough to fend for myself or else I'd be home, so when I come to the hosp, it's important that they do the medications and have common sense about health because they are taking care of me. Last time I had to fend for myself, while fighting for meds, while "resting" to get better lol no bueno. Anyway, I don't mean this as a bash session on my last visit -- but if you don't have a concept of the storm, the calm is downplayed. So this time, my mom was prepared! (thank God for her!) She packed all my meds, extra things I ended up needing and didn't think about, and helped me pack all while she still packed for herself, brought all my records and extra paper/pens to write down info for this time -- astonishing. Oh yea, and she put my IV in before we left. Thank you, Jesus, for my mom!
We prayed and prayed, as did you guys (thank you!!!), and we got here and God just totally set me up from the start. My nurse saw that I already had my IV in, and wasn't comfortable with that -- she explained to us why, and her knowledge about IVs and their care became very evident; comforting me that I don't have to stay up, be anxious or watch as she hooks up medicines to my IV. THANK YOU GOD! I really can not explain this feeling to you at all lol I felt so relaxed as God reminded that He prepares a way - "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you.." Deuteronomy 31:8 -- how easily I get distracted and forget the sweet promises of God -- and how focused He is on sweetly reminding me of them. Not only did he equip me with comfort that my nurse knew what she was doing, he gave her the idea to hook up a constant IV so that once the medicine finishes, it will automatically go to the saline bag -- which means my IV never gets unhooked -- which eliminates the anxiety and risk of my other nurses doing it improperly! I have never slept this much in a hospital before!!! Thank you, Jesus! How you have already smoothed a path for me!!
And just like God, the blessings don't stop there! "From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another." John 1:16 .. Kept having good nurses, blood work went smoothly, rested a lot!! Today was my best day yet! I woke up so nicely and so optimistic, but after therapy, I felt pretty crummy. I was exhausted, my body was so sore, and my lungs hurt and felt tired too. The pain in my side only added to everything else, and I had to get up to have my bed changed (which my mom did), and get washed up (which my mom helped me do), all while I was coughing and breathing hard. They gave me a percoset (spelling?) and man oh man... those bad boys are good! I felt better in less than an hour, and not only could cough better and do better therapy because the pain was gone, but also .. WALKED AROUND!! Like a legit walk -- we could up my oxygen to a portable tank, took my transfer chair for me to push so that I had something to hold on to and incase I got too tired to walk back, and we walked the halls! (for anyone thinking "OMGSH GERMS!" I had a mask on, don't worry ;) ) we made two laps through the little hallways and back to my room with energy and enough breath! When I got back, I wasn't exhausted! I was breathing hard, but not out of control -- I didn't feel like I couldn't breathe and my oxygen was at 92!! I then did my second round of therapy for the day which went soooo much smoother than it has been! Thank you God!! It was so great! Ate, rested, did an echocardiogram, and then... went for another walk!! This time, unfortunately the walk didn't go so well lol I barely made it back and was coughing a lottttttt -- oxygen went down to 84 while still on 3 liters... but my mom and i are thinking it's because the hospital put fresh flowers up between our walk, and we sat by one of the arrangements and that's when I started flaring up -- allergies! lol Anyway, it was still great and I'm generally feeling better and optimistic about getting better!
As for my incredible mother -- she got a night off! My dad came tonight and is sleeping over to keep an eye on me. The night got too late and we didn't get to go for a pre-bed walk, but that's ok -- I have tomorrow!
Speaking of tomorrow.... I MIGHT GO HOME !! My doc came in and said whatever happened it seems that the medicine regimen they put me on seems to be working and she'll check on me tomorrow with a good possibility I could go home! AYAYA Thanks for your prayers and love and encouragement!!
I am SO happy because God is love.
After the walk, I was feeling pretty good -- meaning I wasn't a zombie or in a bad mood lol we came home, and Nicole and June came over but I guess the car ride took it out of me because when we got home, I was absolutely beat, and started coughing and breathing harder again. Monday morn I woke up early.. 5am! I woke up because I wasn't feeling good at all. Breathing was really hard, coughing A LOT, headache, etc.. my ox was low, and my side really hurt (I frequently pull muscles in my sides from the coughing, but usually it's bearable) soo I took a pain killer and waited for it to kick in so I could start my treatments and therapy. It kicked in! I started my treatments in bed! I'm FREEZING! lol my temperature decided to spike to 103.6! At that point, I was able to get up and do therapy after my treatments and was already breathing easier, but still terribly. I'll speed this up a little cos this is the boring stuff -- texted my doc, made admission plans, got ready, got admitted.
Last August the hospital was a nightmare. I understand I'm a lot to take in haha and I'm not the only patient and all that jazz but when I come to the hospital, it means I'm not healthy enough to fend for myself or else I'd be home, so when I come to the hosp, it's important that they do the medications and have common sense about health because they are taking care of me. Last time I had to fend for myself, while fighting for meds, while "resting" to get better lol no bueno. Anyway, I don't mean this as a bash session on my last visit -- but if you don't have a concept of the storm, the calm is downplayed. So this time, my mom was prepared! (thank God for her!) She packed all my meds, extra things I ended up needing and didn't think about, and helped me pack all while she still packed for herself, brought all my records and extra paper/pens to write down info for this time -- astonishing. Oh yea, and she put my IV in before we left. Thank you, Jesus, for my mom!
We prayed and prayed, as did you guys (thank you!!!), and we got here and God just totally set me up from the start. My nurse saw that I already had my IV in, and wasn't comfortable with that -- she explained to us why, and her knowledge about IVs and their care became very evident; comforting me that I don't have to stay up, be anxious or watch as she hooks up medicines to my IV. THANK YOU GOD! I really can not explain this feeling to you at all lol I felt so relaxed as God reminded that He prepares a way - "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you.." Deuteronomy 31:8 -- how easily I get distracted and forget the sweet promises of God -- and how focused He is on sweetly reminding me of them. Not only did he equip me with comfort that my nurse knew what she was doing, he gave her the idea to hook up a constant IV so that once the medicine finishes, it will automatically go to the saline bag -- which means my IV never gets unhooked -- which eliminates the anxiety and risk of my other nurses doing it improperly! I have never slept this much in a hospital before!!! Thank you, Jesus! How you have already smoothed a path for me!!
And just like God, the blessings don't stop there! "From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another." John 1:16 .. Kept having good nurses, blood work went smoothly, rested a lot!! Today was my best day yet! I woke up so nicely and so optimistic, but after therapy, I felt pretty crummy. I was exhausted, my body was so sore, and my lungs hurt and felt tired too. The pain in my side only added to everything else, and I had to get up to have my bed changed (which my mom did), and get washed up (which my mom helped me do), all while I was coughing and breathing hard. They gave me a percoset (spelling?) and man oh man... those bad boys are good! I felt better in less than an hour, and not only could cough better and do better therapy because the pain was gone, but also .. WALKED AROUND!! Like a legit walk -- we could up my oxygen to a portable tank, took my transfer chair for me to push so that I had something to hold on to and incase I got too tired to walk back, and we walked the halls! (for anyone thinking "OMGSH GERMS!" I had a mask on, don't worry ;) ) we made two laps through the little hallways and back to my room with energy and enough breath! When I got back, I wasn't exhausted! I was breathing hard, but not out of control -- I didn't feel like I couldn't breathe and my oxygen was at 92!! I then did my second round of therapy for the day which went soooo much smoother than it has been! Thank you God!! It was so great! Ate, rested, did an echocardiogram, and then... went for another walk!! This time, unfortunately the walk didn't go so well lol I barely made it back and was coughing a lottttttt -- oxygen went down to 84 while still on 3 liters... but my mom and i are thinking it's because the hospital put fresh flowers up between our walk, and we sat by one of the arrangements and that's when I started flaring up -- allergies! lol Anyway, it was still great and I'm generally feeling better and optimistic about getting better!
As for my incredible mother -- she got a night off! My dad came tonight and is sleeping over to keep an eye on me. The night got too late and we didn't get to go for a pre-bed walk, but that's ok -- I have tomorrow!
Speaking of tomorrow.... I MIGHT GO HOME !! My doc came in and said whatever happened it seems that the medicine regimen they put me on seems to be working and she'll check on me tomorrow with a good possibility I could go home! AYAYA Thanks for your prayers and love and encouragement!!
I am SO happy because God is love.
Just this morning
Good morning - this is Emily Gorsky reporting from the hospital with local weather and updates. This morning's report is brought to you by God, The Almighty Creator.
So just incase that wasn't as amusing for you as it was for me -- keep in mind i'm on oxygen and bear with me :P haha i actually did want to say something about weather and updates though. It is SO foggy! I woke up this morning thinking I was confused because my window was just white -- I thought I wasn't seeing clearly but I was -- it was so foggy it blurred everything out! Crazy!
But anyway, I am feeling better this morning! I will try to type a full update now about the past few days but I don't have time to right now but I'll try to type it after my therapy depending on how tired I am -- whenever it is, it'll get done because I have to tell you how great Jesus is! Psalm 145:6 "Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue; I will proclaim your greatness."
So here's the basics -- I'm down to 3 liters of oxygen -- was able to go down to 2 for a little while last night but then brought back up to 3 for when I went to sleep and because it wasn't steadily over 91 at 2 liters. I did NOT wake up struggling to breathe today -- sooo nice to wake up nicely! AND I'm in a really good mood ! Just fyi - me waking up in a good mood is surprising for when I'm feeling my best! hahah so I know my mood will fluctuate because the therapies reallyyyy tire me out and we're doing them 3 times a day but I woke up a little earlier than I had to today, and I just layed in bed and talked with God -- and it was soo nice. So there's no doubt in my mind that he's helping me focus on him and maintain the right attitude/mood. That's it so far! I'll write more later hopefully! Thank you for the prayers! Keep 'em coming ! -- and don't forget to pray for my mom -- she stays with me all day AND night -- sleeping on either a cot or a really uncomfy chair -- and she does the majority of my therapy which is just as taxing on her! Thanks everyone!
I woke up to a much needed, much refreshing, early morning chat with my God because God is love.
So just incase that wasn't as amusing for you as it was for me -- keep in mind i'm on oxygen and bear with me :P haha i actually did want to say something about weather and updates though. It is SO foggy! I woke up this morning thinking I was confused because my window was just white -- I thought I wasn't seeing clearly but I was -- it was so foggy it blurred everything out! Crazy!
But anyway, I am feeling better this morning! I will try to type a full update now about the past few days but I don't have time to right now but I'll try to type it after my therapy depending on how tired I am -- whenever it is, it'll get done because I have to tell you how great Jesus is! Psalm 145:6 "Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue; I will proclaim your greatness."
So here's the basics -- I'm down to 3 liters of oxygen -- was able to go down to 2 for a little while last night but then brought back up to 3 for when I went to sleep and because it wasn't steadily over 91 at 2 liters. I did NOT wake up struggling to breathe today -- sooo nice to wake up nicely! AND I'm in a really good mood ! Just fyi - me waking up in a good mood is surprising for when I'm feeling my best! hahah so I know my mood will fluctuate because the therapies reallyyyy tire me out and we're doing them 3 times a day but I woke up a little earlier than I had to today, and I just layed in bed and talked with God -- and it was soo nice. So there's no doubt in my mind that he's helping me focus on him and maintain the right attitude/mood. That's it so far! I'll write more later hopefully! Thank you for the prayers! Keep 'em coming ! -- and don't forget to pray for my mom -- she stays with me all day AND night -- sleeping on either a cot or a really uncomfy chair -- and she does the majority of my therapy which is just as taxing on her! Thanks everyone!
I woke up to a much needed, much refreshing, early morning chat with my God because God is love.
Friday, May 4, 2012
analyze this. wait, actually don't.
hello strangers! i havent written on here in forev -- that seems to be the opening of all my posts .. woops! anyway -- i really don't have any God revelation in mind to type about but knowing Jesus, He will use this anyway for me, and hopefully for some of you as well.
This is how I'm feeling today -- a cluster of emotions all storming at once and fighting for my attention. I am SOOOO happy because it is Julianna's 2nd birthday! Brace yourself for some hardcore cliche -- she is such a blessing! I LOVE that little girl!! I can't describe how I feel when she calls me "Ampie Em" or sometimes, she's too cool for the "Em" and just says "Hey Ampie!" -- ahh I loove it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE JUJ!!! <33
So obviously happiness is one of the emotions stirring in me. Then there's feelings that are pathetic. I have missed work since Tuesday because I either got sick or got bombarded with allergies. I lost my voice, hence I can't make calls, hence I can't work. So I've been trying to get better obviously, and praise God, yesterday I really felt better! No more headache or throat tickling coughing, or just that over all dreadful feeling. But.. I still didn't have enough of a voice so my supervisor told me to stay home. Last night, I was talking more, and had more of a voice and was confident that I could work today. I called my supervisor and he said I sounded good enough and to come on in! But... I don't feel that good. Therapy was harder than usual, and I was coughing more than usual. I check my oxygen -- 86 ! (FYI, that's bad.) So I call him back for the umpteenth time, and just give him a heads up that I will be wearing oxygen at work. I finally get out the door and get to work... late. I haven't been late for the 3 weeks I've been there. I haven't even been on time -- I like getting there EARLY! lol but anyway.. bla bla bla .. I got up the stairs and couldn't breathe good.. ppl were asking if I was ok but I couldnt answer because I had to try to catch my breath. After I did, I said I was fine, although I doubt anyone believed me .. I wouldnt believe me either haha. I was at work for like 20 minutes and told my supervisor I couldn't do it. I didn't have enough breath to get through the scripts, and when I did get through them, my voice was cutting in and out. I don't want to lose sales for the company because of my voice. Thank God for my supervisor -- he was so kind and understanding - telling me it's not my fault and to rest up and feel better. SO nice! So I'm on my way home, and it's like a raging battle in my mind for my thoughts. I'm thinking -- well you know you're getting closer to transplant, and then I'd start to cry, and then the Bible verses that say not to worry about tomorow, and to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ, come into my mind. And then I start analyzing out of control -- well it's ok to be upset, but I have nothing to worry about because I have Jesus, but I'm sad, but I'm glad I have such an awesome Saviour, but this but that.. and so on and so forth. BLAAA!
Transplant is a touchy topic for me and if I'm not careful, the devil can really use it to his advantage. I do not want a transplant. I understand that if the time comes when I really need one, I'll want one. And I am SOO thankful and comforted that I have a backup like transplant. BUT the more I learn about transplant, the more I don't want one. Certain things -- silly things -- come to mind -- like I can't be kissed by puppies and they can't sleep in my bed. I know, I know, stupid. Obviously I'd choose to live rather than cuddling with my pup, but still. And after surgery my ribs are wired back together... the wires stay in there. I can't take it. I can't go into any more than that cause even just those are starting to make me anxious, and that's the opposite of what I'm striving for. Anyway, I've started having nightmares about transplant. I've had one like the past three nights. The gist of them is that transplant is approaching before I'm ready.
I think that's really why I'm upset. It's disappointing that I've only been off IVs for a week and I only got to enjoy a few days. I am always so hopeful after IVs -- feeling good, wanting to start exercising, doing things in my day instead of just sleeping -- it' soo great! But I only got I think like 3 days from 2 weeks of IVs.. and now I'm on oxygen -- what is going on here? It's funny how the bad sticks out amongst so much goodness though. I could sit here and complain, which I have been doing this whole post, about this or that... and have I once mentioned how awesome God is in comforting me? I'm alive, and more importantly, HE IS ALIVE. I just keep getting reminded that God's in control -- Dear Emily, don't you remember when you were told you had a blood clot in your heart? I was there for that. I was there for the anxiety, the crying, the panic. I was there for the tough decisions and every repercussion of those decisions. I was right there in the chaos. And don't you remember? Just as I set a boundary for the ocean on the sand, I set a boundary for that. I wouldn't allow that to go any further than what I willed for it, and I have complete command over every circumstance, every health scare, and every detail of life. I am with you still. Don't forget how I've proved myself before. Remember, my daughter, that I will always have complete command. Storms calm, demons flee and breath is given with just my name. I am not leaving you to deal with this, either. But please remember to keep your focus on me. The chaos is so much more when you're eyes are focused on the storm, instead of the storm calmer. It may seem like a lot, but I have equipped you with more. Don't worry. I am your comforter. I delight in loving you, and helping you. -- ahh thank you Jesus <333333
Well... I guess that's it for the blog because God just totally spoke to my heart <3 PRAISE JESUS <3
I have my own personal comforter because God is love.
This is how I'm feeling today -- a cluster of emotions all storming at once and fighting for my attention. I am SOOOO happy because it is Julianna's 2nd birthday! Brace yourself for some hardcore cliche -- she is such a blessing! I LOVE that little girl!! I can't describe how I feel when she calls me "Ampie Em" or sometimes, she's too cool for the "Em" and just says "Hey Ampie!" -- ahh I loove it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE JUJ!!! <33
So obviously happiness is one of the emotions stirring in me. Then there's feelings that are pathetic. I have missed work since Tuesday because I either got sick or got bombarded with allergies. I lost my voice, hence I can't make calls, hence I can't work. So I've been trying to get better obviously, and praise God, yesterday I really felt better! No more headache or throat tickling coughing, or just that over all dreadful feeling. But.. I still didn't have enough of a voice so my supervisor told me to stay home. Last night, I was talking more, and had more of a voice and was confident that I could work today. I called my supervisor and he said I sounded good enough and to come on in! But... I don't feel that good. Therapy was harder than usual, and I was coughing more than usual. I check my oxygen -- 86 ! (FYI, that's bad.) So I call him back for the umpteenth time, and just give him a heads up that I will be wearing oxygen at work. I finally get out the door and get to work... late. I haven't been late for the 3 weeks I've been there. I haven't even been on time -- I like getting there EARLY! lol but anyway.. bla bla bla .. I got up the stairs and couldn't breathe good.. ppl were asking if I was ok but I couldnt answer because I had to try to catch my breath. After I did, I said I was fine, although I doubt anyone believed me .. I wouldnt believe me either haha. I was at work for like 20 minutes and told my supervisor I couldn't do it. I didn't have enough breath to get through the scripts, and when I did get through them, my voice was cutting in and out. I don't want to lose sales for the company because of my voice. Thank God for my supervisor -- he was so kind and understanding - telling me it's not my fault and to rest up and feel better. SO nice! So I'm on my way home, and it's like a raging battle in my mind for my thoughts. I'm thinking -- well you know you're getting closer to transplant, and then I'd start to cry, and then the Bible verses that say not to worry about tomorow, and to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ, come into my mind. And then I start analyzing out of control -- well it's ok to be upset, but I have nothing to worry about because I have Jesus, but I'm sad, but I'm glad I have such an awesome Saviour, but this but that.. and so on and so forth. BLAAA!
Transplant is a touchy topic for me and if I'm not careful, the devil can really use it to his advantage. I do not want a transplant. I understand that if the time comes when I really need one, I'll want one. And I am SOO thankful and comforted that I have a backup like transplant. BUT the more I learn about transplant, the more I don't want one. Certain things -- silly things -- come to mind -- like I can't be kissed by puppies and they can't sleep in my bed. I know, I know, stupid. Obviously I'd choose to live rather than cuddling with my pup, but still. And after surgery my ribs are wired back together... the wires stay in there. I can't take it. I can't go into any more than that cause even just those are starting to make me anxious, and that's the opposite of what I'm striving for. Anyway, I've started having nightmares about transplant. I've had one like the past three nights. The gist of them is that transplant is approaching before I'm ready.
I think that's really why I'm upset. It's disappointing that I've only been off IVs for a week and I only got to enjoy a few days. I am always so hopeful after IVs -- feeling good, wanting to start exercising, doing things in my day instead of just sleeping -- it' soo great! But I only got I think like 3 days from 2 weeks of IVs.. and now I'm on oxygen -- what is going on here? It's funny how the bad sticks out amongst so much goodness though. I could sit here and complain, which I have been doing this whole post, about this or that... and have I once mentioned how awesome God is in comforting me? I'm alive, and more importantly, HE IS ALIVE. I just keep getting reminded that God's in control -- Dear Emily, don't you remember when you were told you had a blood clot in your heart? I was there for that. I was there for the anxiety, the crying, the panic. I was there for the tough decisions and every repercussion of those decisions. I was right there in the chaos. And don't you remember? Just as I set a boundary for the ocean on the sand, I set a boundary for that. I wouldn't allow that to go any further than what I willed for it, and I have complete command over every circumstance, every health scare, and every detail of life. I am with you still. Don't forget how I've proved myself before. Remember, my daughter, that I will always have complete command. Storms calm, demons flee and breath is given with just my name. I am not leaving you to deal with this, either. But please remember to keep your focus on me. The chaos is so much more when you're eyes are focused on the storm, instead of the storm calmer. It may seem like a lot, but I have equipped you with more. Don't worry. I am your comforter. I delight in loving you, and helping you. -- ahh thank you Jesus <333333
Well... I guess that's it for the blog because God just totally spoke to my heart <3 PRAISE JESUS <3
I have my own personal comforter because God is love.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
I'm singin' in the rain.. or the shower!
Hello all! I have to make this one quick because I have to go eat, but I didn't want to wait to blog about this because knowing me, I'm just like an Israelite and forget all the things God has done for me all too quickly! To summarize -- I haven't been feeling well. Been SOOO tired, and coughing, and breathy and coughing, etc etc. Well.. not only that I've been feeling like such a waste -- all I do is lay around -- what am I doing for God in THAT?! I haven't been wanting to read my Bible, or pray, or anything -- in other words.. feeling far from being who I want to be, who God wants me to be, and just bla! The Bible says that we do not live on bread alone -- meaning that we need God and His Word to fuel us and let me tell you, I DEFINITELY feel as if I've been running on empty way too long, and the weird part is the fuel is right within my grasp, and yet I don't reach for it. Why is that? There's a song lyric I like that says "why am I so afraid of the dark but I stray from the light?" ..
Last night I was really blessed to go to a church event called The Gathering. It was the first one we had, and God just made Himself so obviously there, I loved it! I even got invited to hang out afterwards with some friends, and that was such a blessing as well. However, I returned home, only to find myself in that tired/lazy/not wanting to do anything mood again today. I slept terribly last night.. or should I say I didn't sleep haha, so I slept in WAY too late today, and bla bla bla.. I could complain forever when I should be rejoicing forever! my bad! Anyway, I was praying today for God to just help me. I prayed for purpose -- He is the One who gives our lives purpose, so I prayed for him to give me a purpose again, give me a passion, help me recognize my gifts and help me use them for Him. My mom and I went out later on after I could finally get ready and stuff. When we came home, I was definitely in a better mood. Hands down my mom is one of the biggest blessings in my life.
Anyway.. still had a lot to do after my night time treatments and therapy, one of them being take a shower. Now I know this may sound silly to some of you... but sometimes I just dread taking showers. You really don't realize how much energy a shower takes until you have no energy to spare haha I used to be able to take showers like I pop pills (medical pills, of course! :P) but now, I need to plan to take a shower when I have nothing else going on, no other responsibility and no where to be because it just wipes me out. Well, tonight that timing happened to be after my therapy. I could take a shower, and then go downstairs to eat while watching a movie, and let my hair dry itself. So I'm in the shower, and I honestly can't even tell you how it started, I think maybe I just wanted to sing to God? I start singing in the shower. At first low, and then quickly increasing higher with more power. Side note: sometimes I don't even speak because my lungs, or myself just feels to tired to put forth the effort of pushing out air to talk. I usually can't speak if I wanted to during or after my shower because I'm either coughing so hard, or breathing so hard. Anyway, back to the story, the next thing I know I am fully belting out the song "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant. Now when I say belting, I don't mean gasping for air, AT ALL, and I don't mean singing loudly but not with a lot of breath behind it. I mean full out breath in lungs to carry the notes (well hopefully notes... hahah! thank God he loves praises regardless!), not feeling breathless AT ALL, feeling like my lungs are plump and full and I can't even believe it. PRAISE JESUS !!!! HIS NAME IS GREAT!! I'm like sitting here laughing and crying at the same time at how good God is. I can't sing like that ever, forget about in the shower. And here I am, asking God to help me because I don't even know how to help myself anymore, and His Spirit just fills my lungs. I sang and then coughed ONCE -- an easy, clearing cough. Finished my shower with a few little coughs here or there, and then blow dryed my hair -- I can't even tell you how awesome our God is. He blesses us when we are praising Him -- it's supposed to be all about Him and He still gives back to us. I don't even have words.
I sang in the shower tonight because God is love.
Last night I was really blessed to go to a church event called The Gathering. It was the first one we had, and God just made Himself so obviously there, I loved it! I even got invited to hang out afterwards with some friends, and that was such a blessing as well. However, I returned home, only to find myself in that tired/lazy/not wanting to do anything mood again today. I slept terribly last night.. or should I say I didn't sleep haha, so I slept in WAY too late today, and bla bla bla.. I could complain forever when I should be rejoicing forever! my bad! Anyway, I was praying today for God to just help me. I prayed for purpose -- He is the One who gives our lives purpose, so I prayed for him to give me a purpose again, give me a passion, help me recognize my gifts and help me use them for Him. My mom and I went out later on after I could finally get ready and stuff. When we came home, I was definitely in a better mood. Hands down my mom is one of the biggest blessings in my life.
Anyway.. still had a lot to do after my night time treatments and therapy, one of them being take a shower. Now I know this may sound silly to some of you... but sometimes I just dread taking showers. You really don't realize how much energy a shower takes until you have no energy to spare haha I used to be able to take showers like I pop pills (medical pills, of course! :P) but now, I need to plan to take a shower when I have nothing else going on, no other responsibility and no where to be because it just wipes me out. Well, tonight that timing happened to be after my therapy. I could take a shower, and then go downstairs to eat while watching a movie, and let my hair dry itself. So I'm in the shower, and I honestly can't even tell you how it started, I think maybe I just wanted to sing to God? I start singing in the shower. At first low, and then quickly increasing higher with more power. Side note: sometimes I don't even speak because my lungs, or myself just feels to tired to put forth the effort of pushing out air to talk. I usually can't speak if I wanted to during or after my shower because I'm either coughing so hard, or breathing so hard. Anyway, back to the story, the next thing I know I am fully belting out the song "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant. Now when I say belting, I don't mean gasping for air, AT ALL, and I don't mean singing loudly but not with a lot of breath behind it. I mean full out breath in lungs to carry the notes (well hopefully notes... hahah! thank God he loves praises regardless!), not feeling breathless AT ALL, feeling like my lungs are plump and full and I can't even believe it. PRAISE JESUS !!!! HIS NAME IS GREAT!! I'm like sitting here laughing and crying at the same time at how good God is. I can't sing like that ever, forget about in the shower. And here I am, asking God to help me because I don't even know how to help myself anymore, and His Spirit just fills my lungs. I sang and then coughed ONCE -- an easy, clearing cough. Finished my shower with a few little coughs here or there, and then blow dryed my hair -- I can't even tell you how awesome our God is. He blesses us when we are praising Him -- it's supposed to be all about Him and He still gives back to us. I don't even have words.
I sang in the shower tonight because God is love.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
"You say I am blessed because of this..."
Well hello there! Long time no talk, my bad. Instead of covering what's been going on, and by that I mean the details of how nice God has been because nothing new is going on in my life haha, I'm going to focus on one topic in particular.. or at least try to (sorry if I end up babbling onto another track). Suffering.
Lately I haven't been sleeping well at all. I usually don't actually get into a good sleep until the early early morning. I've also really been feeling like I need my nebulizers, particularly in the morning. So I typically am ready to fall asleep, but either cant, or wake up in an hour because I can't breathe that well. I then get up, do my treatments and therapy, and go back to sleep. That's all fine and well for now, but I have noticed myself getting more easily aggitated, and like more aggitated than I should be over things. Anyway, last night I'm going to bed super late (it's easier to just stay awake then try to sleep and get upset), and I am laying in bed after my shower and am coughing (shocker).. Except it turns out that at 3am, I started coughing up blood. Now if you get grossed out easily, skip these next few sentences.
There's different coughing up blood scenarios. With CF, you have to watch for blood in your mucus when you cough. That's not good. Sometimes it's a little blood, and sometimes its enough that you see more blood than mucus, but either way is bad. However, I'm no doctor haha but I think it's worse if you are just coughing up blood. Like no mucus, or anything. Just blood. And that's what I was doing last night.
So anyway, my mom's the greatest and stayed up with me looking at old photo albums I had in my room until the coughing subsided and when I did cough, the blood lessened. I mean it's not like I was coughing up the red sea or something, but it's still alarming. So then it was time to sleep, and what a surprise to find out I couldn't! After tossing and turning and almost sleeping but not quite, around 8am I finally fell into a nice deep sleep... only to be woken up. I was livid. But I don't want to vent about that on here haha so quickly moving on, I couldn't fall back asleep after I had been woken up, and I didn't want to have the wrong heart attitude, and I wanted to sleep! But since I was up, I took my morning steroids, e-mailed my doc, prayed A LOT lol and talked to my mom on the phone who suggested that I put some God music on. I did and prayed some more. I was SURE that today was going to absolutely stink.
I couldn't sleep when I wanted to, and I couldn't do my morning treatments or therapy. (Remember how I've been really feeling like I need them?).. So I put the music on and listened as I lay there praying still. Was I thanking God for waking me up another day? Or for his grace, faithfulness, etc? Nope. I was praying that I wouldn't have a bad attitude and help me breathe. And guess what? He did.
Now I started this blog saying I'm going to talk about suffering, and I by no means meant that I was going to complain about my own suffering (I hate to even call it that). But God reminded me today that it is a privilege to suffer for Christ.
Yes, the bible actually says that.
"For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him." Philippians 1:29
Now I don't fully understand this privilege, yet. And I was battling of whether suffering meant being persecuted for Christ, or other suffering, like not breathing (again I'd just like to say I do not think what I am doing is even close to suffering, but it is hardship, which is a distant cousin to suffering :P). And then God gave me this thought --
"The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11
There's also a verse somewhere that talks about how God won't prolong your suffering any longer than necessary to achieve his will and glory, but I can't remember where it is and I don't want to run upstairs to go find it lol. But the point is that if he hasn't healed me yet, that means his will has not yet been accomplished through this .. which to me says I'm doing his work, which the Bible says to me .. is a privilege.
Someone once said to me that God entrusted me with this. I never thought of it like that. Hold tight when you're facing hardship .. because it may not be the awful situation your mind immediately interprets it as. In fact, you may be entrusted with quite a privilege.
Oh and today, I slept from 10-12 and then from 12-3, went outside, talked, and am now typing this. It's 6:11pm and I still haven't done my treatments or therapy. I haven't coughed up any blood since noonish, and God has refreshed my attitude and squeezed my heart. We serve the nicest Lord ever; Jesus! <3
I am privileged because God is love.
P.S. this is the song I was listening to today that God used to remind me I am blessed. Check it out -- really good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy8y6dDzYcE
Lately I haven't been sleeping well at all. I usually don't actually get into a good sleep until the early early morning. I've also really been feeling like I need my nebulizers, particularly in the morning. So I typically am ready to fall asleep, but either cant, or wake up in an hour because I can't breathe that well. I then get up, do my treatments and therapy, and go back to sleep. That's all fine and well for now, but I have noticed myself getting more easily aggitated, and like more aggitated than I should be over things. Anyway, last night I'm going to bed super late (it's easier to just stay awake then try to sleep and get upset), and I am laying in bed after my shower and am coughing (shocker).. Except it turns out that at 3am, I started coughing up blood. Now if you get grossed out easily, skip these next few sentences.
There's different coughing up blood scenarios. With CF, you have to watch for blood in your mucus when you cough. That's not good. Sometimes it's a little blood, and sometimes its enough that you see more blood than mucus, but either way is bad. However, I'm no doctor haha but I think it's worse if you are just coughing up blood. Like no mucus, or anything. Just blood. And that's what I was doing last night.
So anyway, my mom's the greatest and stayed up with me looking at old photo albums I had in my room until the coughing subsided and when I did cough, the blood lessened. I mean it's not like I was coughing up the red sea or something, but it's still alarming. So then it was time to sleep, and what a surprise to find out I couldn't! After tossing and turning and almost sleeping but not quite, around 8am I finally fell into a nice deep sleep... only to be woken up. I was livid. But I don't want to vent about that on here haha so quickly moving on, I couldn't fall back asleep after I had been woken up, and I didn't want to have the wrong heart attitude, and I wanted to sleep! But since I was up, I took my morning steroids, e-mailed my doc, prayed A LOT lol and talked to my mom on the phone who suggested that I put some God music on. I did and prayed some more. I was SURE that today was going to absolutely stink.
I couldn't sleep when I wanted to, and I couldn't do my morning treatments or therapy. (Remember how I've been really feeling like I need them?).. So I put the music on and listened as I lay there praying still. Was I thanking God for waking me up another day? Or for his grace, faithfulness, etc? Nope. I was praying that I wouldn't have a bad attitude and help me breathe. And guess what? He did.
Now I started this blog saying I'm going to talk about suffering, and I by no means meant that I was going to complain about my own suffering (I hate to even call it that). But God reminded me today that it is a privilege to suffer for Christ.
Yes, the bible actually says that.
"For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him." Philippians 1:29
Now I don't fully understand this privilege, yet. And I was battling of whether suffering meant being persecuted for Christ, or other suffering, like not breathing (again I'd just like to say I do not think what I am doing is even close to suffering, but it is hardship, which is a distant cousin to suffering :P). And then God gave me this thought --
"The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11
There's also a verse somewhere that talks about how God won't prolong your suffering any longer than necessary to achieve his will and glory, but I can't remember where it is and I don't want to run upstairs to go find it lol. But the point is that if he hasn't healed me yet, that means his will has not yet been accomplished through this .. which to me says I'm doing his work, which the Bible says to me .. is a privilege.
Someone once said to me that God entrusted me with this. I never thought of it like that. Hold tight when you're facing hardship .. because it may not be the awful situation your mind immediately interprets it as. In fact, you may be entrusted with quite a privilege.
Oh and today, I slept from 10-12 and then from 12-3, went outside, talked, and am now typing this. It's 6:11pm and I still haven't done my treatments or therapy. I haven't coughed up any blood since noonish, and God has refreshed my attitude and squeezed my heart. We serve the nicest Lord ever; Jesus! <3
I am privileged because God is love.
P.S. this is the song I was listening to today that God used to remind me I am blessed. Check it out -- really good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy8y6dDzYcE
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Speaking to my heart
Hello! Pretty uneventful week physically for normal people lol but it was pretty busy for me. Had a docs app on Wed - got my injection! Thursday I went to get bons with Dani -- LOVE her ! AND after we got cinnabons, I went to the post office, and walgreens! And I was ok! I know it sounds silly since those places aren't big trips, but it was a lot for me, and although I was tired after, it was a good tired. I also made a lot of phone calls that day, too. I felt soooo accomplished! I LOVE actually doing stuff! Friday I was wiped. I haven't been sleeping great cause my rib, but Friday night was particularly sleepless. I didn't get to sleep until 6am, and then woke up at 9am for church. BUT this is the part I love...
You know when you can't sleep, and you get soo frustrated? Or is that just me? Haha regardless, I was NOT frustrated! I just layed in my bed and chatted with God... it was so nice. So peaceful and calm. LOVE him!
Anyway, church Saturday was really good as usual, however, I might have been a little delirious from sleep deprivation hahah my friend and I were belting out oldies songs after church! haha! Later that day, Vicky and Juju came over, too. Love them! Which reminds me... if you follow me on facebook, I did NOT mean to type Proverbs 28:17 as my status! Not disregarding it because everything in the Bible is important haha but murderers and their convictions were not on my mind! HAHA!! What I meant to type was...
Proverbs 23:18
"You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed." NLT
What God caught me with about this verse is the second part.. "your hope will not be disappointed". So many times I feel like surrending to God's will somehow hinders my hopes and dreams. The devil sneaks that little lie in telling me that giving my all to Jesus means giving up my heart's desires, which Scripture tells me isn't true. In fact, God says that when we delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). There are so many things in life, finances or jobs or health issues that try to make me think I need to get up and steer my own boat instead of letting God be in control. And what does that even mean? Everyone always says "Oh, just let God take control." Ok... what does that mean on my part? Do I sit back and not do anything? I can't just turn my brain off.. I wish I could give a formula to follow this seemingly easy instruction on giving up control. I can't, obviously. But this week God has impressed me, yet again, and so if I had a formula, it'd look like this:
1) Take a breath (hahah :P)
2) Remember that God is GOD! We can't comprehend that. He's
ALREADY figured out everything, don't worry.
3) Talk with Him, a lot.
4) LISTEN! A conversation is NOT just one way. It would be awesome
to audibly hear God, and it's the greatest when he speaks to your heart,
but don't disregard the Bible. The Bible is part of the conversation.
When you talk, you use words right? God already prepared his words
for you in the Bible. Open it up and see! (Especially when you don't
feel like it! haaha that's a biggy for me)
5) Remember.. "your hope will not be disappointed."
I know it sounds so simple.. But God just really touches my heart with that. Tonight I was at a table with a friend and someone we'd just met. I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation and didn't really know what they were talking about some of the time because my life revolves around my health now. As I sat listening, before the devil could even take his shot at me, Jesus reminded me "your hope will not be disappointed". It's ok that I don't have an interesting life right now. My future hopes are still standing. It's ok that I feel tired right now, my hopes are still awaiting me. It's just so .. nice of God. He keeps his promises and holds my hopes so dear to him that he promises that they won't be disappointed. Now, that may mean that they are fulfilled differently than I thought, or that he'll change those hopes. For example, I have never said "Man, I hope I get a lung transplant!" ... but how many times have I asked God for breath? How many times I have I prayed "Lord, I just want to breathe." And here comes the possibility of transplant -- a way for me to breathe -- a hope not disappointed.
My hopes are on my Saviour's mind, because God is love.
You know when you can't sleep, and you get soo frustrated? Or is that just me? Haha regardless, I was NOT frustrated! I just layed in my bed and chatted with God... it was so nice. So peaceful and calm. LOVE him!
Anyway, church Saturday was really good as usual, however, I might have been a little delirious from sleep deprivation hahah my friend and I were belting out oldies songs after church! haha! Later that day, Vicky and Juju came over, too. Love them! Which reminds me... if you follow me on facebook, I did NOT mean to type Proverbs 28:17 as my status! Not disregarding it because everything in the Bible is important haha but murderers and their convictions were not on my mind! HAHA!! What I meant to type was...
Proverbs 23:18
"You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed." NLT
What God caught me with about this verse is the second part.. "your hope will not be disappointed". So many times I feel like surrending to God's will somehow hinders my hopes and dreams. The devil sneaks that little lie in telling me that giving my all to Jesus means giving up my heart's desires, which Scripture tells me isn't true. In fact, God says that when we delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). There are so many things in life, finances or jobs or health issues that try to make me think I need to get up and steer my own boat instead of letting God be in control. And what does that even mean? Everyone always says "Oh, just let God take control." Ok... what does that mean on my part? Do I sit back and not do anything? I can't just turn my brain off.. I wish I could give a formula to follow this seemingly easy instruction on giving up control. I can't, obviously. But this week God has impressed me, yet again, and so if I had a formula, it'd look like this:
1) Take a breath (hahah :P)
2) Remember that God is GOD! We can't comprehend that. He's
ALREADY figured out everything, don't worry.
3) Talk with Him, a lot.
4) LISTEN! A conversation is NOT just one way. It would be awesome
to audibly hear God, and it's the greatest when he speaks to your heart,
but don't disregard the Bible. The Bible is part of the conversation.
When you talk, you use words right? God already prepared his words
for you in the Bible. Open it up and see! (Especially when you don't
feel like it! haaha that's a biggy for me)
5) Remember.. "your hope will not be disappointed."
I know it sounds so simple.. But God just really touches my heart with that. Tonight I was at a table with a friend and someone we'd just met. I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation and didn't really know what they were talking about some of the time because my life revolves around my health now. As I sat listening, before the devil could even take his shot at me, Jesus reminded me "your hope will not be disappointed". It's ok that I don't have an interesting life right now. My future hopes are still standing. It's ok that I feel tired right now, my hopes are still awaiting me. It's just so .. nice of God. He keeps his promises and holds my hopes so dear to him that he promises that they won't be disappointed. Now, that may mean that they are fulfilled differently than I thought, or that he'll change those hopes. For example, I have never said "Man, I hope I get a lung transplant!" ... but how many times have I asked God for breath? How many times I have I prayed "Lord, I just want to breathe." And here comes the possibility of transplant -- a way for me to breathe -- a hope not disappointed.
My hopes are on my Saviour's mind, because God is love.
Friday, January 13, 2012
me? a farmer?
Hello! So this week lots was going on. First off, I wasn't feeling well, but let's skip over that part haha. On to the important stuff - I had pre-transplant testing and meetings. Now I just want to make this as clear as possible -- my lungs are NOT so bad that I need a transplant NOW, however, they seem to be on the slide in that direction, hence why I'm doing PRE-transplant stuff -- to be prepared if and when that day comes that I do need a transplant. With that said, the testing I had to do was to determine my "score" -- how badly I need a transplant, and whether I get accepted into the program as a good candidate for lung transplant or not. The tests were all pretty normal or easy. It wasn't easy to do pulmonary function tests (did that in November), but it was a normal test. The ABG wasn't normal for me, but easy -- I just sat there praying while they took blood from my artery. I also had to get a ct scan and a UGI -- which were both easy and somewhat normal. What worried me the most was the right heart cath test. (Warning: if you get queezy easily, don't read this part.) They insert a cathiter from near your leg area and push it up into your right heart. My friend Nicole is also getting a lung transplant, but she's ready for hers right now (Pray for her, please!), so she's gone through all the testing already and really helped me out by telling me what it was like. That REALLY took a lot of pressure off me, and I only felt a little bit worried as the testing date approached.
Before the day of the right heart cath, I did the UGI and ct scan, and spoke with the financial rep, nutritionist, psychiatrist, and surgeon. While we were speaking with the surgeon, we were talking about my port, and it came up how I have a "vegetation" on my port. Remember when I was in the hospital and they thought it was a blood clot? Praise God it wasn't! So folks, it turns out I'm a farmer and making vegetations! haha but apparently my home made vegetation is a little more problematic than we thought. The surgeon said to absolutely speak with the cardiologist that was going to do the procedure BEFORE they go in. So... by the grace of God, the people actually called me! HAHA I didn't even get a chance to call them, God had them call me first! I told Mario, the man who called (by the way, if you're reading this Mario, which I doubt you are but still.. you have a reallyyyyy nice phone voice!) about the tissue on the port and he reviewed my ct scans and said he'd speak with the cardiologist and call me back. He called back with his apologies saying the cardiologist has postponed the procedure because they are afraid the procedure would dislodge the vegetation and give me a heart attack, or stroke! REALLY don't want that! I was so happy I didn't have to get it done, and God gave me the thoughts of how he took care of me in the hospital with it. His hands are all over the little farm in my heart and the peace that only comes from God was comforting me.
It was a little nerve racking to think that I needed to get a test done for the transplant evaluation, and I couldn't because it could kill me. What do we do? God thankfully blocked me from thinking that. All I thought as soon as my mind would venture there was, "He's got it covered." Thank you, Lord!
My mom was really worried about it, even though she didn't tell us that until today. Today we met with my transplant pulmonologist, who unfortunately is leaving her position to go into a different field. She was AWESOME, like for real, and a huge blessing! Anyway, we met with her today which I had been looking forward to all week haha and when she came in the room, the first things she said were about the right heart cath. She said that they are wavering that test for me, and that they've done that in the past, because they aren't going to risk my life to get this test done. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!! She also said my case is being presented this coming Friday (a week from today)! Pray for that please!
We were all relieved that I don't have to do the test, and that it's not a hindrance in moving forward in the transplant stuff. However, when I do get the transplant (again, not getting it now), they'd like to take the port out the same surgery because it can harbor bacteria from CF, and ya don't want new lungs exposed to that. BUT if they vegetation is there, they can't take out the port because that would definitely dislodge it. They said I might need some kind of surgery where they go into the heart and remove it, but that it's a big surgery and they would not do that the same time as the lung transplant. So.. here's the prayer request prayer warriors -- that HIS will be done!! Of course, I would really like if that means that he dissolves this "vegetation" and that the next time I get a scan to see if it's there, it wouldn't be and the docs would be astonished! And I know he can do that! I prayed it wasn't a blood clot, and the next thing I know, it's not! But... like I said before -- God gave me that comfort that HE's got this.. So if it's His will that He make it disappear, that's what I'll pray for. If he's got something else in mind, that's what I'll pray for. Also.. please pray for me to stay strong and faithful in being His servant in this. Thanks everyone!!
Also, I just have to say how I LOOOVEEE how God lifts me up. The name of Jesus is powerful! I was having a miserableeee day yesterday. Horrible, horrible mood, and not breathing well or feeling well at all. And in that bad mood, and not feeling well, I slacked on my duty of being his servant. I was angry at everyone, had road rage (evn though I wasn't the one who was driving haha), etc. I was so sorry that in this trial, I didn't seek his face, but instead complained and got angry. And yet, today, he still lifted me up, and helped me remember my priorities and my joy, and still remained my Protector <3 bahhh Jesus <3
Oh! and how nice is it that this risky clump of tissue on my port actually saved me from having to do the procedure I was scared of?! Is that Romans 8:28 or what?! "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." BAHH! If THAT's not working everything together for the good, I don't know what is!
Jesus even uses my "vegetations" to help me because God is love.
Before the day of the right heart cath, I did the UGI and ct scan, and spoke with the financial rep, nutritionist, psychiatrist, and surgeon. While we were speaking with the surgeon, we were talking about my port, and it came up how I have a "vegetation" on my port. Remember when I was in the hospital and they thought it was a blood clot? Praise God it wasn't! So folks, it turns out I'm a farmer and making vegetations! haha but apparently my home made vegetation is a little more problematic than we thought. The surgeon said to absolutely speak with the cardiologist that was going to do the procedure BEFORE they go in. So... by the grace of God, the people actually called me! HAHA I didn't even get a chance to call them, God had them call me first! I told Mario, the man who called (by the way, if you're reading this Mario, which I doubt you are but still.. you have a reallyyyyy nice phone voice!) about the tissue on the port and he reviewed my ct scans and said he'd speak with the cardiologist and call me back. He called back with his apologies saying the cardiologist has postponed the procedure because they are afraid the procedure would dislodge the vegetation and give me a heart attack, or stroke! REALLY don't want that! I was so happy I didn't have to get it done, and God gave me the thoughts of how he took care of me in the hospital with it. His hands are all over the little farm in my heart and the peace that only comes from God was comforting me.
It was a little nerve racking to think that I needed to get a test done for the transplant evaluation, and I couldn't because it could kill me. What do we do? God thankfully blocked me from thinking that. All I thought as soon as my mind would venture there was, "He's got it covered." Thank you, Lord!
My mom was really worried about it, even though she didn't tell us that until today. Today we met with my transplant pulmonologist, who unfortunately is leaving her position to go into a different field. She was AWESOME, like for real, and a huge blessing! Anyway, we met with her today which I had been looking forward to all week haha and when she came in the room, the first things she said were about the right heart cath. She said that they are wavering that test for me, and that they've done that in the past, because they aren't going to risk my life to get this test done. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!! She also said my case is being presented this coming Friday (a week from today)! Pray for that please!
We were all relieved that I don't have to do the test, and that it's not a hindrance in moving forward in the transplant stuff. However, when I do get the transplant (again, not getting it now), they'd like to take the port out the same surgery because it can harbor bacteria from CF, and ya don't want new lungs exposed to that. BUT if they vegetation is there, they can't take out the port because that would definitely dislodge it. They said I might need some kind of surgery where they go into the heart and remove it, but that it's a big surgery and they would not do that the same time as the lung transplant. So.. here's the prayer request prayer warriors -- that HIS will be done!! Of course, I would really like if that means that he dissolves this "vegetation" and that the next time I get a scan to see if it's there, it wouldn't be and the docs would be astonished! And I know he can do that! I prayed it wasn't a blood clot, and the next thing I know, it's not! But... like I said before -- God gave me that comfort that HE's got this.. So if it's His will that He make it disappear, that's what I'll pray for. If he's got something else in mind, that's what I'll pray for. Also.. please pray for me to stay strong and faithful in being His servant in this. Thanks everyone!!
Also, I just have to say how I LOOOVEEE how God lifts me up. The name of Jesus is powerful! I was having a miserableeee day yesterday. Horrible, horrible mood, and not breathing well or feeling well at all. And in that bad mood, and not feeling well, I slacked on my duty of being his servant. I was angry at everyone, had road rage (evn though I wasn't the one who was driving haha), etc. I was so sorry that in this trial, I didn't seek his face, but instead complained and got angry. And yet, today, he still lifted me up, and helped me remember my priorities and my joy, and still remained my Protector <3 bahhh Jesus <3
Oh! and how nice is it that this risky clump of tissue on my port actually saved me from having to do the procedure I was scared of?! Is that Romans 8:28 or what?! "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." BAHH! If THAT's not working everything together for the good, I don't know what is!
Jesus even uses my "vegetations" to help me because God is love.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
not my usual happy entry.
Sometimes God's will doesn't involve the plans you think are best. When that happens, to be frank, it stinks... a lot. Thankfully, we are assured that HIS plan really is best, even while we're still going through the heartache of his grace being sufficient instead of our own plans being fulfilled.. which is weird because we shouldn't be feeling heartache, but joy. How awesome is it that God is SO great that just His grace is completely sufficient for us? Still... our minds trick us into thinking that our plans could be better, and it's disappointing (GOD IS NOT DISAPPOINTING, just the circumstances are disappointing.) I love how the Word always offers a hope, too. " 'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord." Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that HE knows his plans. Well.. maybe I should stop being so vague and just tell what's going on.
I want to be healed. I want one of those Acts miracles in my CF. To breathe like I never have before, to have new and working lungs -- without having a transplant. Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO thankful that God has provided transplant as a possible treatment for me. Really. Cancer patients can't get transplants, and I feel so terrible that they can't turn to that if they need it. But... I don't want to be so incredibly immune suppressant (sp?) the rest of my life. If I'm breathing, I want to be serving. And the way I long to serve, I wouldn't be able to do because of my lack of immunity. I want to go on mission trips. And I know, I can be a missionary here. But I want to go help build a home, or a church, or wells or something. I want to go into hospitals and pray over sick people. I want to nurse people, and help them. I semi-know what they're going through with IVs and all, and I know what hurts and what doesn't, and the anxiety related with everything, and the way to reduce said anxiety. I want to help the sick, not be the sick.
I've prayed before that I would be completely healed. I think I've prayed it wholeheartedly, totally expecting, like twice. Which is terrible because we are supposed to pray with expectation every time we pray. But it's almost like I'm not letting my guard down for it since God's answer was not right now the past times. Anyway, I prayed it last night. It was on my mind, and I tried my hardest to pray with the most expectation that I could. And I did. I fully expected to stand up after that prayer and walk out of my room with my new supernatural gift of breathing from Christ. I started to fantasize about what it'd be like. What would my reaction be? Would I jump and dance, now being able to with this new energy and breath? Would I just cry? Would I fall down in worship? Would I run out of my room and call my doctor? How awesome would it be to call my doctor and ask for an x-ray because I don't have CF anymore. She'd look at my last x-ray showing damaged, dysfunctional lungs, and then see this new x-ray with healthy beyond healthy lungs. How cool! But.. God's answer, like it was to Paul, was that his grace is sufficient for me. And that maybe, even though that's how I feel like I'd be serving (missions, nursing, etc) He wants me in a different mission field. So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to pray not to be healed, but instead for him to show me what he wants me to do. Trying to sincerely pray for his will, not mine. It's really hard. I can feel myself almost in a purposely apathetic mood because I don't want to be upset about it. Thank God for his love and grace that is holding onto me. I think it's so nice that I don't even want to like... face God... at the moment and he's just patiently waiting for me. It's not that I'm angry, I'm just still accepting his answer. So please pray for me, and please no one get the wrong idea here about God. God's plans are way better than I could even think -- remember the 31%?! He ALWAYS outdoes me! But, there's a time for everything, and this isn't my time to be healed yet.
He's SO nice, too, because I am breathing better. The past 2 weeks I've had easier breaths, and more energy. Like significantly noticeable. I don't have to do my therapy the very second I wake up just to breathe. I still have to do it, of course, but it's nice not to struggle so hard from the second I open my eyes.
Anyway, I felt like I should write about this.. and I didn't really want to. I started off the blog saying - this is going to be short.-- And typed not even a paragraph, but then God reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 -- and he used this entry, that I didn't want to type and wasn't going to expand on, to comfort me. Thanks Jesus <3
So.. please pray for me that I would have a heart for whatever Jesus wants me to, and to be able to serve in an environment that's safe and fulfilling. And that I would love God more. Thanks everyone and happy new year!
P.S. sorry if this was like.. a downer.
My God has bigger plans because God is love.
I want to be healed. I want one of those Acts miracles in my CF. To breathe like I never have before, to have new and working lungs -- without having a transplant. Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO thankful that God has provided transplant as a possible treatment for me. Really. Cancer patients can't get transplants, and I feel so terrible that they can't turn to that if they need it. But... I don't want to be so incredibly immune suppressant (sp?) the rest of my life. If I'm breathing, I want to be serving. And the way I long to serve, I wouldn't be able to do because of my lack of immunity. I want to go on mission trips. And I know, I can be a missionary here. But I want to go help build a home, or a church, or wells or something. I want to go into hospitals and pray over sick people. I want to nurse people, and help them. I semi-know what they're going through with IVs and all, and I know what hurts and what doesn't, and the anxiety related with everything, and the way to reduce said anxiety. I want to help the sick, not be the sick.
I've prayed before that I would be completely healed. I think I've prayed it wholeheartedly, totally expecting, like twice. Which is terrible because we are supposed to pray with expectation every time we pray. But it's almost like I'm not letting my guard down for it since God's answer was not right now the past times. Anyway, I prayed it last night. It was on my mind, and I tried my hardest to pray with the most expectation that I could. And I did. I fully expected to stand up after that prayer and walk out of my room with my new supernatural gift of breathing from Christ. I started to fantasize about what it'd be like. What would my reaction be? Would I jump and dance, now being able to with this new energy and breath? Would I just cry? Would I fall down in worship? Would I run out of my room and call my doctor? How awesome would it be to call my doctor and ask for an x-ray because I don't have CF anymore. She'd look at my last x-ray showing damaged, dysfunctional lungs, and then see this new x-ray with healthy beyond healthy lungs. How cool! But.. God's answer, like it was to Paul, was that his grace is sufficient for me. And that maybe, even though that's how I feel like I'd be serving (missions, nursing, etc) He wants me in a different mission field. So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to pray not to be healed, but instead for him to show me what he wants me to do. Trying to sincerely pray for his will, not mine. It's really hard. I can feel myself almost in a purposely apathetic mood because I don't want to be upset about it. Thank God for his love and grace that is holding onto me. I think it's so nice that I don't even want to like... face God... at the moment and he's just patiently waiting for me. It's not that I'm angry, I'm just still accepting his answer. So please pray for me, and please no one get the wrong idea here about God. God's plans are way better than I could even think -- remember the 31%?! He ALWAYS outdoes me! But, there's a time for everything, and this isn't my time to be healed yet.
He's SO nice, too, because I am breathing better. The past 2 weeks I've had easier breaths, and more energy. Like significantly noticeable. I don't have to do my therapy the very second I wake up just to breathe. I still have to do it, of course, but it's nice not to struggle so hard from the second I open my eyes.
Anyway, I felt like I should write about this.. and I didn't really want to. I started off the blog saying - this is going to be short.-- And typed not even a paragraph, but then God reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 -- and he used this entry, that I didn't want to type and wasn't going to expand on, to comfort me. Thanks Jesus <3
So.. please pray for me that I would have a heart for whatever Jesus wants me to, and to be able to serve in an environment that's safe and fulfilling. And that I would love God more. Thanks everyone and happy new year!
P.S. sorry if this was like.. a downer.
My God has bigger plans because God is love.
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